#thoguths

What it was.

Okay, this might probably sound stupid, but i feel stupid all the time, so that’s not a big deal. It’s probably just next level bullshit, so please bear with me,I’m just so sick of people sugarcoating me. I know what happens was terrible and scary, but I hate it that people were worried about scum like me. It’s a hereditary disease and tit hit me for the second time in my life and probably will a third time. And most likely that will mean no return to normal. It means probably  something worse then death. I just hate that everyone is worried and scared and shocked and tries to tell me to relax and enjoy the little things and so on and it’s nice, but  I feel like a burden to everyone. I try to act like everything is as fine as possible, but it’s not. In fact its worse  when people try to cheer me up or think they understand how I feel. They don’t. Even most doctors don’t have  more than a small clue of whats going on, there is a handful of specialist, and even they are only trying to buy me as much time as possible. It can be years, it can be months, it could be seconds.  I am filled up with medication, that makes me feel like shit, but that’s the only thing they really can do. Melas can’t be cured.  so I prefer to enjoy whatever time is left, until I’m dead or nothing like a crippled  shell of myself, that can’t do anything. anymore. I prefer to spend my time with the things  I can do and with my friends and family, but for fucks sake...I want them to treat me as normal as possible. Not like something delicate or something that is almost broken. Treat me normal. Treat me like the piece of shit that I’m. Is that to much to ask for? All those nice words are tiring me out, make  me more distanced, than I want to be. I just want to be treated normal, even nothing is or will be normal, but I’m the one who have to carry on with this. Not you. Not anyone else. I try to put my shit together and it would nice if anyone lese would do too. I just felt the need to spit out  m thoughts and I probably sound like a jerk...but it was frustrating me for weeks. So...Sorry...

The things is, I'm not even surprised if people leave anymore. What's more surprising to me is when someone chooses to stay despite seeing who I really am as a person. Those are the people that I truly appreciate the most.

Just because she's quiet it doesn't mean that she's not hurting. Sometimes she just chooses to keep it to herself instead of telling it to other people because not everybody cares and not everyone understands.

When someone tells you that they are "busy", it's just a friendly way of saying "Oh you're not my priority so I'm gonna tell you I'm busy so you won't get mad at me". No one is actually busy. It's just a matter of how important you are to someone.