I am a trans man (22m) and this younger trans man (19m) is making me uncomfortable. I would like advice on how to approach this.
At first, when my partner (m22) and I went to this guy's house (I'll call him G), he was really nice to us. He offered to make us food, and was showing us the cool things he had in his house. It was chilled. Then, I started feeling uncomfortable when he asked me a question in front of my partner and our other 2 friends. G asked "hey [my name], do you have this?" He then pulled his shirt aside to show me his binder strap. I was a bit confused at first, and then I said "oh, a binder? Yeah I have one." We talked about where we got our binders and then moved onto something else. Later, while our friends were playing video games and my partner was looking at something on the other side of the room, G came up to me, pulled down his pants a little bit, and said "do you have boxers like these?" I was kind of speechless, and managed to say "uh, no I don't.." and then things moved on. My partner and I ordered an Uber half an hour later, and when the Uber was like 1 minute away, he kept tapping me on the shoulder to show me a manga. I kept saying that we had to go, but he kept insisting I read the page he was showing me. I felt uncomfortable after that and tbh I kind of blocked out those moments with the binder and the boxers. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then, we hung out with G again, alongside some other friends. G mentioned at some point that he has Netflix from his parents and that unfortunately, his parents refuse to let him change his account name from his deadname to his new name. I said that was awful. Then, G tapped me on the shoulder and showed me his deadname. I have only met this guy twice, and that made me feel really uncomfortable. I didn't want to know his deadname. Then for the next 2 hours, he proceeded to show me a bunch of music (not even the full songs, just 30 seconds snippets in succession of different songs) and then when I wanted to show a song or do something else, he would keep interrupting me and show another song. I told my partner about how I feel about all of this. While talking to him, I suddenly remembered the thing about the boxers and the binder, and both of us were extremely weirded out looking back on it. My partner suggested that I talk to him about this. I would like to, but also I don't want to break his spirit. I know he's probably excited about meeting another trans guy, but those things he did made me uncomfortable, and while I dont want to sacrifice my comfortability for him, I don't want him to feel embarrassed or something. Any advice as to what I should say to him? We are planning to visit our friend who lives close to G, so we will probably run into G today if we go see our friend.
First off, I want to say his behavior is inappropriate, and it makes sense to be uncomfortable with it.
Second, it appears you're not very assertive at all. You should do some assertiveness practices* with your partner because this is a skill that is only going to behoove you throughout life. You should practice so that when people like this boy make you uncomfortable, you can simply say that. And since you want to give this guy a chance, this is a good opportunity for some real life practice.
"I don't want to see your underwear. Please put your shirt down/pull your pants up."
"That's private information actually. I'm not comfortable answering that."
"We don't know each other well enough for that."
"Er, why are you showing me this?"
"Okay, I've seen enough songs. Please stop showing me songs."
"Interrupting me is rude. Please stop that."
"No, you've showed me about 10 songs in a row now. I'm happy to have a conversation with you, but I'm not interested in just sitting here hearing about your music. Can I show you a song? Otherwise, I'd like to [go join the group playing Mario]."
If he feels embarrassed, that's his responsibility to manage, just like you've been managing your discomfort. Managing your discomfort hasn't killed you. Feeling embarrassment isn't going to kill him. Negative feelings are a part of life, and it's important that we be able to manage that for ourselves - and if not, that's something we 100% need to work on. I promise, he'll live if you say "no" or "stop that". And you might just build a stronger friendship as a result.
*Basically, just practice saying no and verbally setting limits. This should start off easy and low stakes. Your partner can practice saying things that make you uncomfortable (you could just use the scenarios you gave here as examples and your boyfriend could do that for you to respond to), and you practice saying "no". As you start, your partner should have an agreeable response to you saying "no", such as apologizing and agreeing to stop. As you get more comfortable with this (and the roleplay in general), the practice can have raised stakes to help you become more comfortable with standing your ground. Your boyfriend can gently push back when you say "no" ("aww, but I'm still wearing clothes, so it's fine, huh?" "oh, but you're out as trans, so this shouldn't be private, right?" "just one more song, please?") so that you have to practice saying "no" two or three times. The easy mode here is him agreeing after a couple of nos. The challenge mode is him not agreeing and you having to stick to your boundaries by walking away and choosing not to engage with him ("Okay, well I'm not okay with that, so I'm going to leave. Please don't follow me." and that can be the end of the roleplay because at that point you'll either be going to a friend or your boyfriend for a buffer or you'll be walking out completely). This will help you become comfortable doing this in real life with people you really need to say "no" to.
