#thisismybrain

I figured I’d write this passage as I’ve had a couple of people ask me what these drawing were about... I could tell they were confused, so I thought I’d take a moment to explain.

I started this one_A_day project to get me working again.  Throughout the last 5-6 years my art production had been disappointing.  Most of my attention had landed on photography, as I found it easier and more conducive to my everyday life.  I didn’t have to drag out brushes, note pads, paints, pencils, etc., all I had to do was have a thought and a camera.  A few minutes at the computer and I could share a moment with others, and I liked that.  Convenience was key, and for a while that was fine.  I found myself with the urge to create drawings again, and with the urge to put those drawings out in front of other people, but again was faced with the annoyance of convenience.  I decided that I would focus on working with digital drawings.  Much of our social interactions these days are done digitally, we share our special moments and things that make us happy by posting them for our friends and family to see.   These drawings focus on that notion, this digital go between between person to person and between person and ideas.  Digital drawing makes sense, but the medium can be very cold.  It can be rather hard to convey the warmth and life similar to that which comes from making actual marks on paper/canvas.  That’s what has had my attention with this work, making this digital landscape feel personable for me.  

My feelings are so misguided. I’m in the usual state of confusion, isolation, and over eating that accompanies drinking, but all I want to do is have sex. My vibrators are both out of batteries, and I’m frustrated in so many different ways that I can’t even begin to try to figure what to fix first…….even though it should be getting my ass to a meeting.

I feel bad about not communicating with G. I feel horrible about a boy. I’m seriously contemplating having sex with him so that we can be friends again, but that’s all kinds of fucked up.

Like if we tried to have sex and it was awful, then we could just go back to being friends, and it would be awesome. But what if that isn’t the scenario, and we actually enjoy fucking each other only I’m me, and I’m enjoying the sex part and not so much caring about who with…….per usual.

I hate that he isn’t talking to me. It sucks, and I wish I had someone to come over and smoke a cigarette with me. Those are the things that are important to me. Maybe he and I could work out some strange agreement. Like make a list of 3 things that we want or don’t want out of this whole thing. Like a weird experiment to see how bad this fucks everything up.

1. No discussing anything with coworkers, ever. 2. Respect me, don’t love me. 3. You have to come over when I want you to.

4? If everything blows up and is weird, you just have to deal with it, and we still have to be friends.

I have society  standing at my shoulder

Questioning my worth and pointing out my flaws

I sink a little lower into that depressive black hole

That I save for such emergencies

But it’s my reflection who is the biggest enemy

It haunts me and taunts me every time

The mirror reflects back my sadistic ugly side

And I morbidly mourn the loss of my form

Of life in this animated shell

I’ve always been afraid

Of what’s in the mirror

It haunts me through the day

Laughs and laughs at me

My pride is a hard task master

Who has me slapping on the make-up nice and thick

Doing my best impression

Of someone trying to successfully hide

Whats wrong with me

But it’s a poor attempt

And I’m guessing you can see

All the flaws I’m trying to hide

And you keep telling me to back away from the mirror

Unless you can see what we see

We know your pain, you shouldn’t have any shame

You’re beautiful just like me

But you assure me again

That you’re a major fan of mine

Because you love it when

I strip away my outer shell

And show the world my beautiful face

Everything you say gives me satisfaction

But no matter what you say or how many times

The mirror has a hold over me

It will take a lot to break it

So keep whispering ‘your’e beautiful’

It gets me through the day

And holds me in the night……