#thishasbeenapost

When yall are out of weed and turn to resin hits do you hit all the holes? I'd be smoking out of all the holes. When you pull through the mouth hole and the carb there's a lot of built-up gunk in there and it lights up so nice

This has been a giant run on sentence stream of consciousness post.

was Easter. It didn’t feel like it though. Jake is gone, and we did a mini-Easter celebration yesterday at my SIL’s but with Jake gone AND my MIL gone it was just my Aunt-in-law (who I have issues with), Cousin-in-law who is rather quiet but I also have had issues with, Jake’s Grandma and then my SIL and nephew. It was verrrrrrryyyyyy small and just didn’t feel like it should have. 

I didn’t even get the baby an Easter basket because Jake wasn’t going to be here and we weren’t going to go to Easter church with family because all my family is in Texas and all the family I would’ve gone to church with here was gone too. Idk. It just wasn’t really a holiday or special day for me. So I decided I should keep myself busy so I wouldn’t dwell on it.

So as soon as the baby and I woke up this morning I packed him up (Pack and play, activity chair, and toys) and off we went to my school. I spent the day working on my classroom and cleaning/organizing because my classroom has been a wreck and needed it in the WORST way. I was irritated to find the WHOLE office locked up so I couldn’t make ANY copies for the week which was frustrating because my planning periods are consumed with pumping basically right now so I rely on making my copies first thing in the morning which is fine but I was excited to be able to be fully prepped again like I used to be pre-baby. I got some stuff organized and decided to implement a new system for my library because my Kinders have been having a hard time with the system I’ve been using. I didn’t get as much done as I wanted because baby, but I DID get some stuff done and felt accomplished with what I’d done. 

Next we went to Walmart because I needed to get some stuff for school for the upcoming week as well as groceries for myself while hubs is gone. Talked to my mom and MIL about the upcoming week and then fed and put the baby down. Then I messed around in the front flower bed. I have 20 volunteer blue bonnet plants that have sprouted so I’ve been trying to nurture them and while I was at Walmart picked up a few seed packets for some other perennials to add to the front flower bed. After that I mowed the front and back yards because Jake and I haven’t been the best at taking care of our yards and to be honest they’re like 80% weeds 20% grass. I wish my Dad would’ve taught me how to prep yards and when. He just did that stuff when I was younger and then when I was old enough to really care to learn my parents were divorced and my mom was living in a place with yard services. Jake isn’t much of an outdoor chore person. He mows but only when he really HAS to, and the only cure I know for getting rid of weeds is mowing frequently, so I decided this year now that we have a little one that will (hopefully) be running around in the backyard soon that I would make sure the yards got mowed AT LEAST 1x a week. I mowed last Sunday and I plan on mowing again next Sunday after Jake and I get back. Hopefully this will help. 

Okay.

I seriously think the media has gotten a hold of this one and spun it out of control.

Honestly. 30 deaths in TEN YEARS. That’s 3 a year. MAYBE.

Andddddd it’s been reported that it’s because the babies were UNRESTRAINED and able to flip over.

Okay. Hang with me. The restraint goes BETWEEN their legs. Soooo they’ve gotta work pretty damn hard to flip over if they’re strapped in.

3,500 babies a year die from SIDS. Which can/does happen when babies are sleeping in their cribs! Sooooo basically more babies die a year sleeping in their cribs than have died a year sleeping in the rock and play.

I understand issuing a safety warning about using the restraint but I think the recall is taking it a little toooo far.

I also think it was only issued because the press blew the whole thing up in the first place. But that’s just me. I plan on saving ours and using it for our future babies. I think as a parent you’ve just got to use your best judgement and if you let EVERY news story about something “possibly/maybe/what if” could happen then you’ll drive yourself nuts. And I don’t have the time or energy for that.

I enjoy nursing.

I’m so glad and thankful my body is allowing me to provide for my son. I know I am lucky.

I’m proud that we’ve had a good, consistent, and successful breastfeeding relationship for almost 5 months.

But yall.

This post is mainly for me. Nothing to see here. Just needed a little self-preservation. I just needed to get these out of my head for a bit.

-Recently found out the positions we *thought* were open for Jake in the south of the state are not actually available

-I feel like I’ve had a door slammed in my face. I was starting to feel like we were going to be able to move back towards my family and friends and I feel like that opportunity has been stolen from me

-Read an article today called “Parenting without a village” and it VERY much resonated with me. Growing up I had family friends and family where I could go if I was sick so my parents could still work. I grew up attending family events-games, concerts, ceremonies etc. This is just not how Jake’s family works and it crushes me. I think I’d be able to live here better if it was that way but they live too far apart, despite being “close” and in general that’s just not how they do things.

-I’ve expressed to Jake a want to to able to do those things and for Calvin to grow up doing those things and he basically said it sounded like a nightmare (See introvert status) and wanted to know why he and Calvin couldn’t/wouldn’t be “enough” for me

-Overall our marriage is good. But this is definitely something I’m silently struggling with right now. The other aspect is he doesn’t want to work for anyone other than the employer he has now. I don’t know if it’s because the benefits are pretty good and he’s worried then won’t be elsewhere. I don’t know if it’s an introvert thing-that he’s comfortable where he is and doesn’t want to have to go through building relationships all over again. I don’t know if it’s a fear of the unknown thing or a combo of all of the above.

-Then I remind myself-that this life I’ve come to love-husband, home, family, dogs-is all something *I* wanted. And I was willing to move here in the first place to achieve that happiness so why can’t I just appreciate the beautiful life I have and let go of the location.