#this rules!

[His heart’s racing] Simon watches with wide eyes as Gary comes closer to the bed, the relief that floods his insides at seeing him alive almost makes him dizzy. [His heart races]. If he wasn't already laying down he thinks he might’ve passed out there and then. But–

There’s also something churning in his stomach. Heavy. He can’t put a word to it. It makes him feel sick. The expression on Gary’s face makes him feel sick. There’s apprehension in his veins as he finally reaches the bed [His heart doesn’t stop].

He doesn’t know why.

“What were you thinking?” Roach spits out, venom dripping out of his tongue, heavy and acidic, with no restrain. Price’s eyes widen from the corner of his vision. Surprised that he was able to speak after the two week long silence. After a week of a catatonic silence. After not moving, not eating, thinking. He speaks steady, contained, heart hammering down on his bruised ribs.

Simon looks at him, brow furrowed in confusion.

He looks up at Gary.

‘What was he thinking?’ of the mission, of course.

He wonders if Roach might’ve suffered a concussion of shorts. He was there. He knew what he did and why he did it. They had a task to complete and he completed it. They signed for this. What if he almost died? He also almost died! But that’s what they're there for. To complete the task or die trying their damn best. He knows that. Roach know that.

He tells Roach as much

“I was thinking of the mission, and how it had to be completed.”

He sees Roach’s jaw tighten, there’s fury, actually fury burning in his expression. To the point where Ghost sees him shake with it.

He doesn’t understand…

“You almost died.” Gary says through gritted teeth and his voice cracks at the last word.

Why is his voice cracking

“It’s the job Roach! I had to take you to safety, you needed help! What does it matter if I die, anyway!? The mission–”

One moment he’s looking at Roach

The next his face is staring at the window to his right, cheek stinging painfully.

The sound reverberates between the four silent walls like a clap of thunder. It makes his ears hurt.

He hears Price do some aborted choked sound before–

“WHAT ABOUT ME!?”

Simon looks slowly back at him, he’s not ready to see tears, the same way he wasn’t ready for the outburst or the slap, for Gary screaming, for his voice to crack–

“DID YOU THINK ABOUT ME– HOW I WOULD– IF YOU?! DO YOU TH– THINK SIMON?! DO YOU THINK ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF?! HOW COULD– HOW WOULD I–”

There’s a weird type of ringing to his ears, not the type you get after a bomb goes out or how when the blood flows through the brain painfully quickly, not this feels like…

He thinks he might go insane because–

It feels like a breath of fresh air.

Realization.

As Gary dissolves himself into tears, hyperventilating his breaths and screaming his voice raw. Simon realizes something.

As Gary breakdowns in front of him he realizes he feels– feels

And he feels horrible.

He feels loved.

He cares. He loves– He loves him. Him– Simon Riley. 

Ghost almost left him because he couldn’t see that. No. He saw it and he ignored it because no one can love Simon Riley. He…He doesn’t exist anymore he’s not worth tears no one ever cried for him no one ever mourned him no one ever cared he’s not worth being cared for he has nothing to give back– He saw Gary and he ignored him, brushed him away, put him to the side, pushed him under the rug because– he thought–

He watches as Gary presses his hands against the side of his face, like a child. He did that.

His hands twist in the blankets because he feels lost.

He did this but he doesn’t know how to fix it.

Guilt burns his throat.

It burns fiercely until he reaches out, hand grasping a stained jumper.

He pulls him gently towards himself. Tugs him to come closer, please. Gary shakes his head. He tugs him again. He falls into his arms like he belongs there. He sprawls on top of him, legs hanging over the bed and sits on the mattress like he belongs there.

Simon wraps his arms around him, cradles his head to his shoulder, pulls him closer by the waist and hugs him. He hasn’t hugged someone in so long.

But he fits like he belongs there.

“Please, don’t cry.” His voice cracks and it’s awful. It’s awful the stinging in his eyes and the guilt on his stomach, “don’t cry.” Please.

His mind sticks to a loop of saying it over and over and over, over again until Gary hugs him back, until his arms sneak around him and squeeze. Hold him tighter and closer. Sobs louder, shaking worse. But…

He’s there, Simon realizes, he’s there and he could’ve almost lost him. Could’ve almost left alone. alone.

The tears roll down easily, they burn, they hurt.

He’s so sorry

“‘m sorry,” he says to Gary’s hair and then he repeats it again, again, again and again. And he’ll repeat them until he can’t anymore–

He almost lost him.

And since I’m not THAT mean have a little bonus of what comes after all...this mess xoxo

Roach is sitting on the mattress. Legs swinging back and forth as he watches the window. The hospital lights don’t really help with his appearance. Accentuating every bandage and crease showing just how exhausted he looks. He should go back to his room and rest.

Ghost watches him from where he’s propped up on his pillows. As he traces the curve of Roach’s jaw with his eyes his mind plays That day on repeat. They haven’t really talked about it. Roach hasn’t been able to talk after it anyway and his hands shake too much to sign anything correctly. Price says he had a nervous breakdown somewhere between that day and today. He traces a finger gently over Roach’s knuckles.

He watches his shoulders and how they slump with exhaustion but how his neck is filled with tension. He grabs the hand and squeezes.

Per hospital rules, masks aren’t allowed, no balaclava and especially not one with a skull mask sewn to it. He was allowed to wear at least a surgical one. Gary seemingly discarded it. 

When Roach looks at him he can see all his face, it’s set into a neutral one, tired and worn. His eyes are a little blank before he blinks. Ghost squeezes the hand again.

Gary hums and Simon looks at him. Looks at both of his eyes, down the slope of his nose and over the many bandages that litter his face.

He sits up more, ungluing himself from the pillows that are shaped after him, to sit by himself. Gary frowns a little at the movement. Simon doesn’t really regard his expression much, opting to stare down at the hand he still has clasped in his.

He uncurls the fingers with his other, swiping them gently and pressing his thumb on the center of the palm. He smiles as the arm relaxes.

His whole hand circles the wrist keeping it secure.

“Gary.”

He lifts his head as he says it, catching how Gary stares at their point of contact with heavy lidded eyes. He looks almost asleep.

Roach looks up.

And there’s a pause as Simon looks at his eyes again, his mind is made up but he was expecting his heart to race and speed up. It doesn’t. Instead beating comfortably in his chest.

He smiles.

“I love you.”

Roach blinks. Then his eyes widen and Simon feels a little fuzzy at the feeling of his pulse accelerating on the tips of his fingers. 

Roach– Gary knows what he means, that’s why his face falls almost immediately after the surprise. 

His hand tries to sign before he sees it’s shaking too much for that.

Gary takes a deep breath and Simon sees him mouthing his name, before his voices comes out shakly:

“I don’t– I can’t–”

“I know”

He smiles because Gary looks at him. Idiot.

“I don’t care.”

There’s a pause and Simon is ready for rejection. His smile doesn’t waver however, maybe it’s the drugs because he feels like he’s floating. The feeling of speaking out what he’s feeling and putting it out there, finally after so long... couldn’t really break with a ‘no’. He’s fine with rejection; he just wanted Gary to know.

Tears slip past Roach’s eyes, that makes him panic.

He cups the side of his face and swipes the tears with his thumb, using his bent index finger to swipe more of them when they come out in reverence. "What 's wrong?”

Gary shakes his head, and anxiety floods Simon, but then he huffs a soft laugh.

“Haven’t heard that in a while.”

His voice is sticky with emotion. That won’t do Simon thinks so he pulls his mask down and cups both sides of his face pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Roach slips down and presses closer to his chest, he presses his chin on top of his head and leans back.

He’s starting to comb his fingers through his hair when he feels a finger gliding through his collarbone.

‘Love you too.’ Puts my hands in my hips: MAN THAT’S A LOT OF WORDS [writes more]