❛  DON’T.  ❜  emma’s voice is one hundred thousand things  ––––  immediate, hushed, & despite its demand, pleading, even.  her limbs possess the idleness of betrayal.  emma had sat in that hospital room for hours, images flickering one to the next, always in the same order: audrey BLEEDING OUT in her arms, the blood making audrey hard & harder to hold.  emma saying baby don’t go.  emma saying i’m right here, baby, i’m here, can you hear me sweetheart, i’m here!  emma crying out for help.  screaming.  audrey holding her hand so tight she nearly BROKE it.  audrey pulling emma down.  ear to audrey’s lips.  lips saying truths and saying emma, listen.  emma saying i love you till her throat went raw, till she could tune audrey’s voice out, till she could only hear phrases.  ( i brought her to lakewood.  i helped.  it’s my fault, em. ) beside audrey in the ambulance, holding onto her any way they’d let her.

emma had been IMMOBILE these last few hours, sitting stiff in the hospital room chair, straight-backed and nauseous, a statue.  a nurse had come into the room to check on audrey.  another had come in to check on emma, & she had repeated herself three times before emma had understood her.  ❛  can i get you anything ?  ❜  emma just shook her head.  the nurse was halfway out the door when emma grabbed the words, mid-air, and tossed them back out again.  ❛ will she be alright ?  ❜

the nurse had offered the smile of a mother to a child and the words:  ❛  we’ll know soon.  ❜

emma felt as though on a carousel, passing by blurry images of the truths of her life.  but despite the cut emma felt opening between her ribs  ––––  it certainly was there, and to deny it was to only let it fester  ––––  it was AUDREY in that bed.  it had been AUDREY in her arms.  it had been to AUDREY she had whispered the only miracle emma had known:  i love you  i love you  i love you.

emma stands, shakily, and moves to sit at the foot of the hospital bed, and her hand itches to hold audrey’s, but now isn’t the time.  ❛  REST.  you need rest.  ❜  despite herself, emma leans over, her lips brushing audrey’s forehead, feather-light.  ❛  we’ve always been a little happy and always a little sad, don’t you think ?  ❜  she smiles, kisses audrey’s nose, puts a hand to audrey’s cheek, forgets, for a moment, the HORROR.  ❛  rest now.  ❜

THE   TRUTH   was   finally   lifted   from   her   chest,   freed   like   a   long-kept   burden,   but   now   it   settled   deeply   in   the   pit   of   her   stomach.   it   brought   on   nausea   joined   by   a   strong   mix   of   heavy   pain   medication   & god   knew   how   many   stitches.   it   all   comes   back   to   her   in   flashes   the   longer   she’s   been   conscious,   with   nurses   pricking   at   her   tired   veins   and   checking   vitals   like   clockwork   and   all   she   wants   is   to   be   at   home   /   with   emma   /   in   their bed   so   that   she   can   fully   explain.   (   would   emma   even   want   her   in   the   house   after   all   was   said   and   done?   )   it   wasn't   like   she   could   blame   her   if   she   didn't. 

i   brought   piper   to   lakewood.   I   HELPED   HER.   it’s   my   fault.   the   words   play   like   a   numbing   mantra   in   her   head,   words   that   she   had   choked   out   admist   blood   loss   and   hands   pressing   desperately   to   wounds   in   order   to   stop   the   flow   of   blood   and   she   remembers   emma’s   voice   pleading   her   to   stay   awake,   promising   her   that   she’d   be   okay    ---    and   maybe   she   was   right.   maybe   the   physical   wounds   would   heal   and   life   would   move   on,   but   nothing   would   change   that   she   had   betrayed   emma   in   the   worst   possible   way.

be whiny babies, which was true of most men even before this meninism bs LOL