I hate how I make life so difficult for my mother. Like I'm 18 so she doesn't even legally have to house me but she doesn't kick me out. But most days my head calls her abusive just because she doesn't wash up (which would allow me to have food or drink but she's not even legally required to provide that) and asks to borrow money a couple times a week (it's not her fault I'm too mentally ill (I keep thinking she'll do stuff to me like hit me when she never has) to say no and i'm not sure she even knows that)
And when she asked me to wash up just now, I turned the hot tap on and when there was no hot water, I fucking went to my room and started crying and even thought about killing myself for a moment. Now the water's back on, I'm fucking laying here sending this Tumblr ask instead of going to do it when all I have to do is stand for an hour at a sink. Like yeah, I get dizzy AF but I've never actually passed out. And even if I do, this woman fucking houses me when she doesn't have to and I don't even do a few chores
Sometimes I think her life would be so much better without me in it but then I remember it's selfish of me to die and I think it'd just be better if I didn't exist in the first place. I want to tell her I'm so sorry for being here but that would sound like a guilt trip and I'd be a horrible person for that
this is internalized hate.
anon, you deserve to exist, I can promise you that. I’m terrible at giving advice, so I’ll just say that this sounds like something you should go to a professional about
🫂
