#this is closure

Isn’t he lovely?

I have a love hate relationship with the night. It can make or break me. I feel most alive while under the stars. I could stare for hours, eventually falling asleep. A peace washes over me when I realize how little my problems are compared to an entire galaxy that we barely know. I'm just a little peanut in this grand scheme of things. And suddenly I don't feel so bad. But the weight that the night also brings is crushing. The nights, like tonight, where I lay in bed and question everything. Where my thoughts eat away at everything I've built. How do you walk away from someone who supposedly meant the world to you? How do you just stop talking to them, get over them, then start dating someone else? All while they sit there wondering where the hell you were. Wondering how they could throw away forever, for someone new. But that's the thing, everybody wants what's new these days. We don't put in the work when it gets hard, we push people away until we can walk away. We had a deep love, something you don't find twice in your lifetime. But here we are with two different people. The difference between you and I is that you were still on my mind. All the fucking time. I reached out in every way I could think of, but you chose to ignore me. You feed me this "I didn't think you wanted me to come back" bullshit, but I never once implied that. There was you in everything I did. If you could see my social media, you were still there. Full of "This ones for you wherever you are in this world", "where did you go", "I miss you", and a fucking "happy birthday" every year you were gone. And you couldn't reach out just once? But you're going to tell me that you have "unresolved feelings" and then never talk about it again? You can't do that to me. This is my last attempt at making whatever the hell we have work. I will be your friend, and I'm always going to care. But it's gonna take a lot more than sorry to ease the abandonment that I feel. You are never around when I really need someone. And maybe that's because I don't tell you I need someone. Idk. But I think back and wonder if I romanticized something that wasn't even there, we always talked on your terms. Only when you had your mothers phone. And I feel pretty naive to think you were faithful. I've been damaged pretty bad in the time that you left, and it makes me question everything. If you had loved me you would have fought for me. You would've fought those thoughts in your head that told you I didn't want you. And maybe we would've ruled the world. Another night. Another dream wasted on you.