#this is ability

It's rare that I am impressed by myself. I've come to know what I am capable of and where my limitations lie (if at all). This week I started yoga at the local community center with a client I work with a few times a week. Not going to lie, I was totally nervous about how my body would respond to the yoga poses. I've used a pilates DVD since I graduated high school and have adapted that to my body. Its a work out I can do to strengthen my core without needed to have my prostheses on. We picked a 'slow yoga' class as we are both beginners and that was something to get used to. Holding a yoga pose was really the only thing that I could see improving. Right now I have a bit of a sore at the bottom of my right residual limb and so its hard for me to bend completely. See photos below. 

This is the year for me to do all sorts of physical activity. Starting with body pump and zumba and now I can add yoga to my weekly schedule. I love being active and getting fit seems to be an added (albeit slow) bonus. I have also put in a request to meet with a physical trainer a few times. It was nice to give the gym my requirements/limitations ahead of time so the physical trainer can adapt whatever workouts to suit me. Has anyone else (amputee) used a physical trainer? What were some things you did or some things you wished would have been included with your work out? 

This is ability! 

Can we just talk for a second about how absolutely ridiculous it is that I have never been declared disabled by the State of Wisconsin since turning 18. And have been missing out on benefits because I am apparently the most independent, disabled person anyone has ever met. Being independent does not mean I haven't been broke because of things insurance didn't cover. Things like the socks or liners I need to wear to fit into my prosthesis. Moving on...

I'm just going to be sitting over here laughing like the crazy person I am. This isn't even upsetting (ok, it's totally upsetting) but I am at the point where this is the funniest thing I have ever heard. I mean I have permanent handicap parking privileges....does that not equal having a permanent disability? I guess not. I mean just missing two of your limbs is no big deal - insert sarcastic, raised eyebrows Jess face here. 

2013 was a year of transformations for me. Finally receiving my new prostheses, accepting myself 100%, beginning my masters program and even joining a gym. I have been trying to think of a resolution I can do for this next year. I am coming up empty handed. So many great things happened for me this year and right now I don't know how much better it could get. I think I'm just going to keep up the positive attitude towards my life even when the negatives take hold.

I haven't worn a pair of shorts since May 2007. I made sure to buy the bermuda shorts from the Gap that year as I was traveling to Florida with my family. Last night, I went to the outlet mall about 30 minutes away from home and found two pairs of shorts and a pair of cropped pants. Now that my prostheses are more aesthetically pleasing to me I feel comfortable wearing dresses that I never would have and now I am attempting shorts. Anything shorter than my knee would reveal a bump on the back of my left leg. I was never sure why it was like that as it could have been discretely hidden but again I was working with people who just wanted to get the job done. Even if it wasn't done to my satisfaction.

I got the idea yesterday afternoon while at work that it was time to buy a few pairs of shorts. I had gotten some cash back coupons from Banana Republic and decided that would be the best use for them. After trying on about 10 different pairs I was getting frustrated. I didn't want to buy bermuda shorts since that's what I've had in the past to cover something up. At the last music festival I went to, I wore a skirt - which was great since it was warm and jeans just weren't an option. The only problem with a skirt is that when you sit on the ground and then need to leave for the next show you will show off your ass/underwear. I didn't let it stress me out as I knew there was nothing I could do once I was at the festival. Shorts will allow me to not be ungodly uncomfortable in the Kentucky summer weather while also not showing off my ass to complete strangers. I'll be sure to post photos to my instagram account once I have an outfit put together.

For the first time in my adult life I can be completely comfortable with the appearance of my prostheses and there is no better feeling than that. I don't want to say I regret hiding my legs all these years but at the same time they've held me back. I've overheated so many times because the only thing I used to feel comfortable in was jeans and in 90 degree weather with humidity that is not comfortable for anyone. On top of wearing jeans, I had to wear wool socks and  three pairs of cosmetic stockings and then jeans. I'm glad I no longer need to do that - now I just make sure my legs don't get too sweaty in the silicone liners. I will still wear the knit thigh highs I've grown to love only because cosmetic stockings are about $80 a pair and they snag so easily. I'm going to feel trendy to the max but maybe I'm just super trendy cool.

I have been adjusting to my new prostheses, had an allergic reaction to medical tape and then an infection all in the last 2 months. I'd just like to be able to walk without pain consistently. Most days I can walk just fine but notice towards the end of the day that it becomes harder and more painful to walk. Clearly it's my body's way of telling me to slow down. Last weekend I went to one of my favorite events, 80s versus 90s. The venue plays music videos on a large screen and everyone dances around. It's great. I wasn't really sure how dancing would go as I haven't really had the opportunity to try it out yet. I was excited to get out of the house to dance. It's hard enough to relearn to walk as 28 years old. This spring was really eye opening for me. Learning how to climb a flight of stairs, how to drive, walking down inclines, slippery floors, different shoes, etc. After dancing for about 2 hours my friend and I decided we'd go do something more mellow. I'm glad I didn't stay the entire time like I have in the past because I wouldn't have been able to walk the rest of the weekend. As we were leaving my very dear friend said, "If it makes you feel any better, my feet are killing me". It broke my heart. Not only did it remind me I am different from all of my friends but that any one of them thinks the pain from walking in high heels is anything like walking in prostheses on sore legs. I flat out said, "No that definitely doesn't make me feel any better but thanks." We dropped the subject and went to our next location - a bar where we could each sit down. 

I know my friends are trying to relate to me during this time or just in general and it's hard. I don't want my friends to think they can't tell me what's ailing them because I do generally care. Comparing it to something I am dealing with is what I find troubling. The thing about high heels is that it was a decision my friend made to complete an adorable costume for the night. It was a choice. If I want to walk my only choice is putting on my prostheses. The pain is definitely subsiding day-to-day but when I've done too much in one day it catches up with me. Side note: I didn't need to take any pain pills today! My feet will never hurt from walking in any type of shoes but my legs certainly will. My ability will always be different but I won't let it stop me from doing things I love. Dancing is one of those things. It's going to take me time to really get the hang of it again but I will dance and often. I think I confuse people with my blog name. I guess right now it is sort of true. Really, the story goes that my baby sister said this to me at the pool about 4 years ago and I just thought it was an adorable turn of phrase.