#this impossible year

Impossible Year by Panic! at the Disco (Lyrics)

Late 2018 I was so hopeful, so eager to see what the new year would bring me.  

And then 2019 turned out to be an Impossible Year.  There hasn’t been a single day this year that my heart hasn’t hurt, not one day that I haven’t had tears in my eyes and a deep, desperate longing for things to be different. 

I’m baaaaaaack! I’m so excited to bring y’all my newest fic: This Impossible Year. While this fic will revolve around Feysand it will also heavily include the inner circle. There will be a couple crack ships that will eventually be rectified (I began writing this before ACOWAR). Each chapter will revolve around a song. Sit back and enjoy the ride! I will try to update as often as possible!

WARNING: This fic will deal with sensitive content. I will tag each fic with trigger warnings - but proceed with caution. This first part has physical/emotional abuse.

Summary: Feyre is trying very hard to hold on to her image of a fairy-tale relationship as she slowly falls apart. As a violet-eyed musician slowly makes his way into her life, Feyre has to make some tough decisions about her future.

Song: Hey Look Ma I Made It - Panic! At The Disco

I swear Mor had a sixth sense for when I needed her.

Are you busy tonight? Her text had lit up my smashed phone screen a few minutes prior. I was still sitting on the floor, staring at the pieces of my mother’s vase strewn across the floor. The vase that he knew was one of the only things I had left of her. But that didn’t matter as he chucked it at the wall in his rage.

At least he didn’t hit me this time. 

Wiping the tears off my face, I picked up my phone and responded No, what do you have in mind? The remnants of Tamlin’s rage still stained my apartment. I would have to clean it up if she wanted to come over.

Az is playing tonight!! You coming?? Ah yes. Mor’s beautiful, brooding boyfriend performed in a popular local band, and she had invited me a million times to see him perform. I had always declined, as Tamlin didn’t want me to go. But Tamlin wouldn’t be with me tonight - he never said sorry until the next day, unless he hit me of course. So I had two choices: spend a night alone, thinking about all the things I had done to make him angry, or....

I’ll be right over I texted back as I grabbed my coat.

The House of Wind Theater was a sight to behold. 

Mor had told me on the drive over that this was a very important show for The Illyrians. Since their sudden jump to fame a few years ago, they had toured all around the world. However, this was their first tour since their separation from Hybern Records - a highly anticipated tour that would apparently determine the fate of the group’s future. Mor was practically jumping with excitement as we entered the House. 

Azriel had ensured that we had front row seats to the big show. As we waited for the show to start, I slowly took a look around. Had a been a painter I would have loved to capture the beauty of the House. Huge vaulted ceilings soared high above us covered in murals of clashing beasts in bold colors. The dark beasts grappled with the shining monsters in an apparent battle of good and evil. I pondered why the artist decided to depict the ‘good’ side as monsters as the lights started to flicker in a signal for the show to start.

The opening bands for the Illyrians were very talented. One of them, The Summer, especially caught my attention. If I was being honest, it was mostly due to the gorgeous lead singer Helion. I almost wanted to laugh as I saw Mor blush more than once from the knowing glances he threw her way. Some long forgotten part of me wondered what was going on there, but was soon forgotten as the memory of a shattered vase flashed through my mind. 

I was lost in thought of how I would make my mistakes up to Tamlin as the lights again faded to black. The energy in the air became palpable as the crowd collectively held their breath in anticipation. Suddenly the first chords of a song rang out, and the crowd lost. Their. Shit.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Almost everyone in the theater began screaming as the lights slowly began to rise. Two figures stood among the shadows, barely moving beyond the strumming of their instruments. As the lights came to full power I immediately recognized Az from Mor’s pictures. The other man with long shoulder-length hair was possibly Cassian, if Mor’s descriptions were to be trusted. The two began jamming out the opening to one of their more famous songs. Still, the lead singer had yet to appear.

“ All my life been hustling, and tonight is my appraisal” A voice boomed out from the speakers. The crowd somehow began screaming even louder at the sound of the singer’s voice (though it had a distinctly more female tone to it). I looked around, and suddenly he appeared.

I heard the stories of how stunningly handsome Mor’s cousin was, but was forbidden to even look at his pictures by Tamlin. While I never felt the urge to look, I had always wondered why Tam felt so strongly about my seeing of him. And now I understood. 

Rhysand was beyond handsome, and beyond words. Here in front of me was the most breathtakingly beautiful man I had ever seen. His body seemed to be carved out of the finest stone, and has face a gift from the Gods themselves. However, all of his beauty was nothing compared to his eyes. At first they seemed to be blue, but on deeper inspection they showed to be the brightest violet. I looked upon them and felt speechless.

“Are you ready for the sequel? Are you ready for the latest?” He sang as if he was putting on a personal show for every single person in the room. His voice made you feel like you were the only one in the room.

“Hey look ma I made it!” everyone cried out with him. My foot began to tap to the beat as the room continued to go wild. As much as I tried, I could not take my eyes off of Rhysand. His energy was infectious. I seemed to be the only one who noticed when it guttered.

“ And if you never know who you can trust, then trust me you'll me lonely” for half a second, Rhysand seemed to deflate at the mention of trust. It was gone before anyone else could notice, but it left me wondering what was going on in his head.

No, I thought to myself, no you can’t do that. He’s none of your concern. Still, I found myself searching those eyes for the pain I saw before. As the song came to a close, I was beginning to think I had imagined the look. Maybe it had been a sad projection of my own feelings -

“Hey look ma I made it...” as the final notes rung out, he tipped his head to the sky and sang the final sentence as if someone above could hear it. And there- there was the pain of before, glittering in his eyes. I blinked, and it was gone, replaced with a sensuous smile that had the females - and some of the males - in the room swooning. 

And then our eyes connected.

Never in a million years would I ever be able to explain the emotions that came crashing through me the moment his eyes met mine. My very soul seemed to awaken from its slumber as his eyes stripped me bare. His eyes widened slightly as he read whatever was shining in my eyes. I forced myself to look away from the intensity that radiated from him. When I looked back towards him his eyes were again toward the crowd, as if nothing had ever happened. 

My hands hovered over the keys of my grand piano. I sat there, hoping emotion would come pouring out of me in the form of music as it did before. It had long since stopped coming from me. 

“Damnit” I whispered “please work” I begged my hands, as if it would somehow get them to begin expressing everything that was bottled up inside me.

I don't run from my problems. I take breaks.

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