Quite frankly, I feel like shit right now... And I need to vent somewhere, so I apologize. You can ignore this. It might disappear tomorrow, as I’ve done other times.
Since my best friend moved to Berlin early in the summer I’m so fucking lonely in Madrid. I seldom think about that but we were supposed to meet today for some beers because she was in town and she had to cancel - health problems, I understand, I’m not blaming her -, so I don’t know when I’ll see her again. And that thought just hit me like ton of bricks. I’ve lost people along the way these past years, which I guess is only normal, but I just realized 90% of the people I love or interact with on a daily basis live fucking far away.
Worst of all, one of the few “friends” I had left here has been ignoring me on and off over the last couple of years, so... I haven’t heard a word from her in over a month. It feels great. Great. I spent six months half-dying over a very important research paper, I graduated... She didn’t even asked about the topic of the fucking paper. She doesn’t know what I’m doing right now. I doubt she cares. But then she says I’m her best friend, and very important, and I’m supposed to buy it? Fuck you, L.
I don’t have to go to uni anymore either, so no classmates, no teachers, no nothing. I’m studying online. I only physically talk with my brother most days because we live together - and sometimes I feel more like his nanny slash cleaning lady than his sister slash flatmate. And I’m trying to save money for a Master’s degree - which my parents will have to afford anyway because I have no job or prospect of finding a decent one soon, hence the extra courses - so I barely spend money on food and that’s it. Plus, living in Madrid is becoming even more expensive than it was because rent has skyrocketed thanks to speculation. I feel guilty just for living here knowing I wouldn’t be able to afford it without my family’s backup. But returning to my hometown is even more limited - but I have my cats.
I was thinking about going to watch Venom tomorrow, clear my head a little, but it may also make me feel guilty for the unnecessary expense. Heh.
I feel so fucking useless lately it hurts. But I didn’t think I would reach this point.
