#thingswillbedifferent

Adam David Thompson & Riley Dandy Interview by Big Gold Belt Media –Synopsis:In order to escape police after a robbery, two estranged siblings lay low in a metaphysical farmhouse that hides them away in a different time. There they reckon with a mysterious force that pushes their familial bonds to unnatural breaking points. In Theaters and Available on VOD: October 4, 2024 Official Site:…

Writer & Director Michael Felker Interview by Big Gold Belt Media –Synopsis:In order to escape police after a robbery, two estranged siblings lay low in a metaphysical farmhouse that hides them away in a different time. There they reckon with a mysterious force that pushes their familial bonds to unnatural breaking points. In Theaters and Available on VOD: October 4, 2024 Official Site:…

First look at Things Will Be Different

A new trailer has been released for Things Will Be Different, which is set to release October 4, 2024.

Hey, there... So... it’s been a while.

About 6 years to be exact. For a while I was posting pretty consistently on this blog. I was in college. I don’t know how I found the time, but I did. Anyway, I originally created the blog so that I could express myself in ways I couldn’t express myself otherwise; for fear of being embarrassed, fear of negative feedback from others, fear of the arguments I might create, fear of being wrong.

But I’m here to say: I’m done being afraid.

I’ve been reading a book that I found while I was in college. It’s called Heroes and Monsters: An Honest Look at the Struggle Within All of Us. A Christian author and speaker named Josh Riebock came to my private college and spoke about God (or Jack if you’ve read the book) and well, life. He spoke about his own life, which is exactly what this book is about. Heroes and Monsters is both his autobiography AND memoirs in one work. This is an important distinction, because memoirs are usually just about a person’s career, an autobiography is about someone’s personal life and struggles. This work is both, because his personal life and career were so intertwined. This book has had a huge impact on current stage in life. My perspective is at a complete 180. I am absolutely convinced now, that I was meant to put down this book almost exactly 3 years ago, only to not pick it up again this past week. This work would have spoken to me my senior year of college. But it is so much more meaningful, a gift even, reading it in full as an (almost) full-fledged adult.

I am currently stuck on a chapter about fulfilling dreams. There was a passage I read today that both inspired me, and filled me with dread. To paraphrase, it compared fears to flies. They’re an annoyance, but ultimately harmless. Also, these “flies are the great confirmation” that you are on the right path. It also said that, “the greatest freedom is found when you face your fears.” As I’m reading this, I feel a movement in my chest. As I am being pierced in the heart. I then take inventory.

WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?

That’s easy. Failure. I am finally finished with my bachelor’s degree (long story). I am currently on a track to prepare my application for grad school. I felt a long time ago, when I was on a school trip Guatemala, that I was called by God to become a school psychologist. I already decided that I didn’t want to be an Marriage and Family Therapist. The market is too swollen with MFT’s for someone with a bachelor’s in psychology. Did I want to do research? No, I barely passed stats. I wouldn’t mind being a part of the experimentation process, but I wouldn’t being able to put the results into terms of numbers and percentages. But I am fascinated by aspects of standardized tests and how they are created. This is part of what first attracted me to this specific field. But now, I am also terrified of one particular standardized test. The GRE. The college I originally chose to finish my education didn’t require this test because they had their own testing done at the end of every year, inquiring about subjects required that year. But I will no longer be attending that program. Turns out, it’s not accredited by the American Psychiatric Association.

Now, I’ve chosen a college that requires this exam, as well as one other. But it shouldn’t be this terrifying. I’ve taken standardized tests before, and I usually get (just) above average scores. However, to top it off, I’m being told that the exam itself is “actually not as hard as you think it is.” But does that encourage me? NO. It only makes me feel like the task ahead of me is even more daunting, and everyone around me that has already taken it (and moved on with their lives, gotten married, had babies, ect.) are simply more equipped than I am; Better students, more disciplined, more intelligent, and just better human beings in general. But somehow in the last 3 or 4 years I have come to dread this moment in my life.

Mind you, I could schedule the test at any time I want. It’s actually kind of dead in the summer, most people take the exam in the spring. So I wouldn’t be taking it around very many people. And I could use the time I have between now and the test to study. I just don’t want to. I feel like no matter how much effort I put in, I’m going to fail. Like I’ll take it ten times, paying over $200 for each exam, never actually passing, doomed to a life of a minimum wage job.

Wait, what is it I am actually afraid of?

I’m afraid of what people will think of me. If I don’t pass, if I don’t get in to grad school. My family. Potential boyfriends. My friends. What would they say? It’s almost like saying, “If I’m not making progress in this one area of my life, am I worth anything?” It doesn’t make any sense, but it’s how I feel.

And just because this is the way the world works, everyone has a job now. As a woman, if I want to continue to have the financial freedom away from my parents, and my future husband I have to a job. No, a career, right? I don’t know anymore. I don’t just want to continue working minimum wage anymore. But I am petrified at even the thought of taking this next step. And that only scratches the surface of how I feel about actually attending grad school. So this is it. I am taking the advice and mindset of Josh Reibock I will swat the flies and face my fears. Enough of the cyclical process of fearing failure and the unknown, only to never find myself trying in order to fail in the first place. The unknown staying unknown forever. No more.

My family’s opinions have a major impact on me, (especially that one uncle that asks me about school every time I see him), but I can control the way I respond to that. I will face this, but I don’t have to do it on their time. I’m taking my own time on this. It’s a part of my process.

And I cannot live my life for fear of not being accepted by a guy. Guys are guys, and they will always be around. Roughly half of the world’s population is made up of guys. And while there is always the possibility of me not finding someone, there is also the possibility of me not being able to be myself in a relationship because I am trying to it into someone else’s idea of an ideal partner. But that’s a story for another day.

And I know my friends will be there for me no matter what. And if I lose friends over this, hell, I’ll make new ones in school! To quote one of my roommates, “F*@& ‘em.”

Now, I know that this has been a long rant about my personal problems, but you know what? That’s fine. This blog isn’t for you. It isn’t for readers, and certainly not to get subs. It’s for me, the writer. If treating a blog as a personal journal is cliché, I’m perfectly fine with it. For all I know, you stopped reading after the second paragraph; you’ve grown bored. But it doesn’t matter. This is a contract for myself, a contract promising myself to stop being afraid of everything. To be okay with not understanding something, and being willing to learn from others. To get my damn test done. To lay my pride down and ask my professors for a letter of recommendation, even though it’s been 3 years. To move on with my life, out of this listless existence. I wasn’t made for this.

I wasn’t made to be a drone, to live a passionless life, a spiritless life, a purposeless life. Fear does not control me, nor does it dictate my future. I do. Me. The spiritual, passionate being that God made has a purpose. Maybe that purpose isn’t even my career but even thinking about my future is a start. A way out of this life, and on to who I am supposed to be. It’s funny, I didn’t used to believe in predestined things. Not even in romantic relationships or finding, “the one.” I’m a little too cynical for that. But now, I’m starting to have faith. And hope. Hope, that if I follow the steps that are calling me in this direction, that I will eventually find my identity-the identity that can only be found with time, and a walk with God. As Josh Riebock says, “I don’t need to possess armored-car faith. Maybe all I need is simply enough faith to hang on. I suppose that’s all faith really is... oftentimes faith means just barely hanging on.”