#thingsicantsay

Sometimes when your sleeping and your mind starts seeping into the thoughts of him,

The feeling of the pillow against my head starts feeling like his chest.

Dreams start becoming tangible to a point where if you align my love with yours like constellations in the sky, it feels almost too real to be a dream.

Almost too real to wake up

But you do, wake up.

You feel your heart beat too fast and then begin to pace itself to its own lonely march it has to endure for the rest of the day.

The point im trying to get across is that your wrapped your arms around me and kissed my forehead like you loved me but none of its real.

And i dont know how to handle the pain of being lonely.

There are no visual reminders of you left to haunt me, only hazy memories and the occasional night terror. Everything is gone. All but one single letter and photo that I carry with me at all times. Not to reminisce on the good times, no it's not like that. It's to remind myself of why I'm pushing myself through hell and risking all that I have, physically and mentally.

I do not blame you for what has become of me as I have grown much stronger, so strong in fact that in the absence of the one I needed most, the one I yearned for and silently begged to return. I realize I don't need one single person on this earth to continue living my own life. You are no longer the morning sun on my face or the sand between my toes but rather my window left open in winter, cold and unapologetically.

This letter serves as a reminder. A reminder that all the sacrifices I'm making, all the life threatening risks I'm taking is all in the name of love. The facade is very convincing but nothing I do, I do for fun. I don't enjoy having to self medicate as the only means of temporarily escaping the emotional trauma I carry. You taught me how to feel things and now all I feel is pain so please forgive me for erasing it the best way I know how. I don't enjoy knowing I'm creating more of my kind to benefit my future but someday I will provide for a family with everything I wanted to share with you.

The white picket fence will be the first thing you see from the window seat or the creeping vines from any of the many floor to ceiling windows. There will be house plants with polished floorboards and the dog WILL be inside. A fire place in the living room where we can sit with hot chocolate in winter. Light milk will not exist nor will canned vegetables. Our home will forever be full of love and laughter. There will be a garden at either side of the backyard. On one side will be a garden full of flowers of all vibrant colours and on the other side will be a veggie patch that we will use to teach our daughter patience and that hard work pays off.