This clip from Doctor Who played a big part in my life, I feel

I was always The Weird Kid. Maybe one too many head injuries (I had a penchant for bouncing my face off of things) or maybe growing up in a cult, maybe genes, idk. I was weird. I didn't fit in anywhere and I still kinda don't

But I am, despite my mum's best efforts and thanks to my dad's genetics, autistic and I fixate on the number 4. I have since I was a small child. I like things to be in multiples of 4. I don't know why. But my entire life, inside my head, constantly counting, 1234, 1234, 1234

And then add in the niche trauma of growing up in a cult. For years, for most of my life, it was normal. I was just The Weird Kid. That was my role. It was just me and everyone else was so very normal

But the years went on. And the trauma got worse. And the autism went untreated. And it started to hurt. It hurt so bad. But it wasn't real. Nothing but a symptom of my own insanity. Nothing I couldn't cover up and smile through

Until it wasn't. It hurt too much. It was destroying me

And then I met someone. Someone who is now a very good friend. One of my best friends. She was the first person I told the whole story to. And she listened. Like actually listened

She heard it. And at first, she looked at me the same way the Doctor looks at the Master. But I could only react the way the Master does. Whatever it may be bringing, it's real! It's real! It's not just me.

Bear in mind TEOT aired in 2010 (I was 13) and I met this friend in maybe 2018? (I was like 21). I watched it a lot (yay for vhs taping off the telly) but not enough for it to live rent free in my head the way other episodes I've watched far less have (see Turn Left, that one holds and lot of real estate and I've watched it maybe 3x). I didn't even really think about that episode until like last year after like 2015 (and even before that I was more in other things)

My point being, that episode, that 2 or 3 minutes, really encapsulated what it's like to feel validated. Even though it's horrible news for everyone in the Doctor Who universe, it's literally the end of time itself, it's the worst thing the Doctor could have found....

An incredibly traumatised man finds his incredibly (differently) traumatised peer and is validated. A man who had spent his whole life thinking he was insane has been proved sane, it was never his fault, he was always just a pawn in a greater game, the pain was caused by someone else

And I had that moment. She could hear it. It wasn't just inside my head. It was real. The beat of 4 that has punctuated every second of my life has counted my pain and my healing. And the relief. It's real. It's not just my own insanity. It's real