#these dinguses

Laura: (showing off new merch) They're really cool. I've worn them to the gym, and I got many compliments, and nobody knew that they were CR—

Travis: (feigning jealousy) WHAT compliments?!

group: *gasp in faux concern and dissolve into laugher*

.

[Brennan asks Josephine about a feature of her character that might let her cause more damage, but misremembers which option she has.]

.

Brennan: (mimes pushing glasses up his nose) I'm just trying to get my clients every bit of—

Aabria: I love a rules lawyer.

Erika, Aabria, & Brennan: (in unison) Pro bono rules lawyer!

Aabria: (faux seriously) It's a noble profession.

Jasmine: People hate lawyers, until they're on your side.

Brennan: Exactly.

Aabria: (pointing emphatically) We will fight for *you*.

Brennan: (in a low-budget advertisement cadence) "Have you been injured in a combat or encounter?"

Erika: (joining in) "Are you getting all the points of damage that you *could* be getting?"

Brennan: "Call Iyengar and Mulligan today!"

Jasmine: "Make the most of your proficiency bonuses. Has your DM asked you to roll Athletics when it was clearly an Acrobatics check? Call us today. We charge a million dollars."

Erika: (stilted testimonial cadence) "I was constantly forgetting to use Hunter's Mark. But with Mulligan and Iyengar's help, now every time I remember who my Favored Enemy is."

.

[Caduceus is attacked by a massive water elemental while trying to flee the battlefield.]

.

Matt: Against you, Caduceus, that is a… (rolls) …a nineteen.

Taliesin: (excited) Oh my god! I have a reaction to that.

Matt: Okay.

Taliesin: I'm going to… (checks his character sheet)

Travis: (joking) "I'm appalled!"

group: *laughs*

Taliesin: (feigning umbrage) "How DARE you?! How dare you? I've encountered many bodies of water in my life. But never–!"

Matt: Man, Grave clerics get all the good abilities.

.

[Laura stands up to admire the tiny potion bottles on the battle map. The end of her ponytail falls directly into her mug, but she doesn't notice until after she sits down.]

.

Laura: Did I dip my hair in my coffee?!

Marisha & Travis: *chuckle*

Liam: (sympathetic) Did you get the whole caboodle?

Laura: (quietly distressed) Did my husband just laugh at me?

Sam: Yeah. Yeah.

Matt: Yup.

Travis: Yup.

Marisha: Sorry.

Liam: (mock concerned) Is that a first?

Laura: (mock sincere) Yeah.

Liam: (dubious) Are you sure?

Laura: (laughing) I think so.

.

Liam: Were you playing [according to your] stats, or were you playing *you*?

Marisha: Yes.

Travis: I was playing me.

Ashley: I was playing me.

Marisha: Me.

Ashley: Which is a little scary, I guess.

Brian: Yeah. Can be. Can be for the bad guys.

Marisha: Oh yeah, no, I'm an utter dumbass. Like, I'm–

Ashley: (chiding) No, you're not. You're so smart and wonderful.

Marisha: (to Travis) I'm an utter dumbass.

Travis: (cheerful) You are. You're a fucking moron.

Marisha: Yeah. So I was playing my dumbass self.

.

Matt: (to Travis, slightly garbled) Stay put, or…?

Laura: Did you say "Stay porn"?

Matt: (enunciating) "Stay *put*".

Sam: (to the camera, pointing jauntily) Stay porn, everyone.

group: *childish giggles*

Laura: www.fleshtree.com

Liam: Is it Pornsday yet?

Sam: Happy Arbor Day. Go fuck a tree.

.

Sam: (out of character) I'm gonna give my little one a hug goodbye.

Luc: Okay, Mom. Are you killing more things?

Nott: Yeah, I gotta go back to work. But I'll be back in a little while for another check-in.

Luc: Okay. What else did you shoot while you were…?

Nott: Oh! Um… boy. Have we…?

Yeza: (pushing Luc behind him) Uh… Luc, it's okay. Your mother–

Nott: (to the group) What was the last thing we shot–?

Yeza: (to Nott) You don't have to answer that.

Beau: What *was* the last thing we shot? (to Nott) You shot *me* in the fucking ass.

Nott: I did! (to Luc) I shot Beauregard.

Luc: That's awesome!

Beau: *realizes she swore in front of the five-year-old* (to Yeza) Sorry, sorry.

Yeza: That's, uh… *nervous dad laughter*

Beau: (to Luc) D'you wanna see it? I still have a wound.

Fjord: NO! No. Nooo.

Beau: I'll show you.

Fjord: (despairing) She will.

Caleb: (to Beau, deadpan) Keep your butt-hole closed.

Beau: (resigned) Okay.

Yeza: (dreading his son hearing any more) Luc, go inside.

.

[The gang has a carnival-game-type contest to decide who gets a new magical item. Jester wins, but can already do what the item does, so she gives it to Beauregard.]

.

Beau: This feels like a consolation prize. Am I being pitied?

Fjord: Yes, absolutely.

Beau: Do you want it?

Fjord: Yes. Thank you.

.