#therealz

Here's my attempt at lip biting....

There are several reasons why I am afraid to fall in love. Actually there's a lot but I'm only gonna name a few for this blog. Maybe from future blogs the other reasons will come through. Anyways I don't like getting too emotionally attached. I'm the kind of person who hides their emotions and I'm pretty good at it. Got everyone thinking I was the happiest person on Earth. Even my friends in high school think I'm so happy. I am happy don't get me wrong. Ugh this isn't the point of the blog! Second reason I don't believe in the "one" or finding "true love." It just doesn't make sense. My real grandpa died long before I met him. My grandma loved him. But you know what? She fell in love again. My other grandparents fell in love. They got a divorce. Both of them fell in love with someone else. There is never one true person you are meant to be with and falling in love makes you believe that sick fantasy. I don't believe in it and it's the reason why I freak out when a guy tells me he's in love with me and he finally found "the one." I smile and be flattered like a normal girl but inside I'm screaming my fucking lungs out telling myself to run away! And I start to look for ways to let him go. The third reason why I'm afraid to fall in love...is because I don't wanna get hurt. I hear way too many sob stories from friends and saw a bajillion chick flicks about heart breaks. I don't like watching chicks cry their fucking heart out or guys looking all depressed. Jeez who wants to go through that? Not I...not again. So now that I named a few of my fears I can bet a guy would read this and come along saying something cliche about changing my mind. Well here I am screaming at the top of my lungs: COME AT ME BRO! I'M SINGLE AND READY TO FALL HOPELESSLY IN LOVE! And y'know the funniest thing about this is every guy I know would say "you are a great and beautiful girl. you will find someone." Why can't you be that someone? Huh? I mean I get it, from this blog (tHeRealZ) I am pretty fucked up to fall in love with but why say it if you wouldn't give me a try? And for those of you who think I am out of your league go fuck yourself. I have standards but I'm not shallow. Give me something to fall in love with and I can guarantee I will be happy to date you. Am I saying all this because I'm lonely? No. I still think I don't need a guy in my life. But y'know what I'm tired of staying out of the loop. My friends all fell in love and got their hearts fucked up and I'm not sure if I am able to love but I'm gonna give this a try! They say love comes to those who keeps their doors open to it. So I'm throwing open all the doors and windows. COME AT ME AND GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!!

Some people in my past believe I am a good person and deserve the best in life. And there are others who believe I'm a heartless bitch. That was then and now, respectively, they know me as a cold-hearted bitch and one of the greatest person to ever exist. So have I changed? Or was it the perspectives of the people that changed? I think in some ways I'm still who I am from the past, just a bit more mature. And in others I have changed. I would like to believe I was an angel that fallen but that's far from the truth. I'm one with the devil trying to do good. How is it that I'm stuck in the middle? I'm sorry this was another blog about my inner sides, good and evil. Just thought and figured maybe the people who believe I'm a good friend should really think if I am or not. Maybe I'm not. I think to highly of myself. Well that's it for this er..blog entry. Until next blog...BYE!!! -tHeNinerZ

That would be my boyfriend. Part of our 2 hour long conversation. Not everything was word for word but pretty much got the gist of it. The idiot makes me laugh and darn him for being so cute >_>

I would like to believe I'm one of those extremely complicated girls that only one guy alone can make me happy. I'm starting to think I'm not as complex as I make myself out to be. Maybe in reality all it takes to make me happy is to whisper the words I long to hear and lifetime supply of chocolate. Mmm. But who wants to believe any guy could make you happy? Not I. So to hide the simple person I am I built years of layers, different personalities for myself to hide who I am from the majorities eyes. In the process of doing so I lost track of who I really was. Uncovering all these layers...what was it that I've been covering up for all these years? After graduation I was set on finding the girl I ought to be and learn to finally accept it. But I encountered a formidable foe..myself. How could I possibly defeat myself? It's like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object (quote from Dark Knight) it is impossible for either side to win. Why am I stopping myself from revealing the girl that should be? Maybe I am an extremely complicated girl. Perhaps the only way to find out if I am simple is if someone can navigate through the maze I become and undo the layers of personas I had created to fool the crowd. Break me down to my raw format if you will. Self discovery...probably the first step any young adult should take before entering the adult world. I've entered the world skipping the first step...now watch as I fall behind trying to figure it out. That's it for this blog!! And until next time...BYE!!! -tHeNinerZ

Love…what a strange and funny word it is. It could mean so much and nothing at the same time. I can’t say how many I had fallen in and out of love. Was it love? Yeah it was…just the ones that never lasts. I’m not looking for love. Not sure if I even want it. All it is going through endless heartaches till you found what you are looking for. A game I got tired of playing. To be honest it’s pointless. I’m not bitter from losing someone, no I’m not. It’s just not worth the amount of time needed spent on it. I could live without shedding a tear and heartaches. Living the good life. Anyway I thought I loved someone, every moment wishing it was spent with them. Recently found those feelings I had for them wouldn’t be returned. Admittedly I was crushed even though I knew it wouldn’t be returned. To have it confirmed though was the worst thing anyone could do. Anyway I’ve come to realize…I am here living without them. I did it for so long what does it matter if they are in my life or not? It doesn’t. Everything will eventually perish. Nothing on Earth lasts forever. Love eventually dies. Thanks for reading this new blog entry. Still got a bit to relieve from my chest but I’m done with this blog. If you have a different opinion about love then let me know! Anyway till next blog…BYE!!! -tHeNinerZ

The problem with having best friends is when you slip and hurt them. You know you’ve done it good when they say nothing at all. The silence stretches so long you begin to forget what it was that caused it but you can’t forgive it. Filled with rage and hurt there’s no room for forgiveness in your heart. What heart? Yeah you did open your home to me, you gave me a place to stay, and I appreciate it. There’s a small fortune on the dining table if it wasn’t discovered yet. But why did I come? I was filled with fucking guilt because I made you promises to see you again and I kept fucking failing to follow through. It got you thinking you were never gonna see me again and gave up on me because I was a fucking flake. Going against my parents will and against myself I flew to where you were. I had imagine when you were there to pick me up it’d be just you. Then you say Anthony was coming along and will take the front seat since he too is leaving and you wanted to spend some time with him. What I had wanted was just you and me, our time to talk, my first few hours back to spend with you to just talk it up, making up for the past fucking three years and that fucking two years of fucking silence. But I kept my mouth shut and even though I didn’t fully say my obvious dislike of having him there I agreed. But what do I find? You and three other people, it was nice seeing them but I had wanted my first hours to be spent with you and you alone. Oh and what more almost every single fucking day your friends came over. That or you were too tired and didn’t feel like doing shit! I wanted your attention, it was what I wanted. I panicked. I was gonna be so mad at you, more than I would ever had in my fucking life. I couldn’t get mad I needed to stop myself before I really did hurt you. So I went into my “defensive” mode. Acting super ditz and acting completely retarded. And that bullshit I gave you during that “deep” talk? Fuck the past, I knew it was fucking gone when it seemed like you didn’t want me around. I couldn’t let you see how mad I was at you. I fucking tried to keep it inside, kept it together enough for us both to fall asleep. Those tears weren’t of sadness they were angry tears all bottled inside. I needed time away from you. I was so close at my breaking point, never before came close to it. Not even with Mo. He was close to my surface self. I allowed you to come in, deeper than anyone I know, closer than my sister. Anyway I went out on my “walks” time with other people to laugh and break free. My trip wasn’t what I had imagined it would be. I came back home. I was relieved. I didn’t even care when my parents lectured me and took my dog from me. I was glad to be far away from you now at a distance where it’s safe for me to calm down and not hurt you. At a distance where it’s easier to hide. I knew our relationship has changed. I didn’t want to let it go. I want to keep you in. I love you, there’s no doubt about that now. But with all this “I need someone to talk to” and “I give up on trying anymore” statuses. I was thinking I had failed in being there. And because we haven’t been talking as much you have no idea what’s going on now. I put up a status and you had automatically agreed to it when it wasn’t directed at you. And I reached out to you, wanting to help. It’s in my nature to help and give it unconditionally. Didn’t even give me the chance to. Slap my hands and broke it down saying I was useless because of the fucking distance. When I was there you didn’t fucking talk to me! I was right fucking there every fucking night for you to talk to. No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t worth talking to. No. Marchelle was there for you, wasn’t she? Your friends are there for you, aren’t they? I’m no longer the one to turn to, am I? Because I still allow a douche bag to be in my life, is that it? I wasn’t there because I was so mad at you I needed to get away from you to keep from hurting you, is that it? Am I wrong? Who’s fault is it anyways? Is it mines for not keeping you up to date? Where were you to keep me up to date with yourself? Doesn’t matter who’s fault it is now, does it? Best friends…we choose not to be any more. And this would be the last you will hear from me. And now…let the silence stretch till we forget but never forgive. -tHeNinerZ PS: On a much lighter and happier note I'm glad we are no longer friends. I'm okay with not having people being close to me. I don't need them to be nor do I want them to be. I promise I won't be miserable and I won't regret it :)

You don't talk to me anymore? I stop caring anymore. I can't waste my time trying to reach out and talk to you when you don't meet me halfway. Waiting for me to start the conversation? I'm always starting the fucking conversations. To be honest I'm sick and tired of it. Why don't you start the conversation for a change? It's nice to have someone else take the rein every so often. This silence will create a rift between you and I. Shockingly enough I don't mind. Surprised? You shouldn't be. You let it happen. And now watch me walk away leaving the silence forever in between us. It's a bit sad that some friends I once talk to every single day are now people I don't even say hi to anymore. I know it's hard being so far away and all but there are means of communication within our reach. Well that's it for this blog...so until the next one...BYE!! -tHeNinerZ