#therapy reflections

First time I have ever heard my dad be called a narcissist. Actually quite a shock to hear someone call him that, especially from a trained individual.

Relationships can often mask a lot of things - be it loneliness or other issues, so many people see people in relationships and assume everything is hunky dory. When it isn't.

What people think is my "overthinking" is me actually paying attention to actions and what people say and noticing what is actually going on - or not in some cases (I am quite an over active listener)

While we joke about mum's taste in men, mine is also questionable - avoidants.

I actually need structure to stop the overthinking and spiralling so I have been told to go back to work 😅 (back tomorrow 🙃)

When I say I overthink, its not in that traditional sense. It is literally thinking over and over and over again.

Also not in my head with someone's behaviour. As evidenced by a lot of shit today. Performative birthday post ✅️ but posting it after viewing all my stories and being first to view the one I posted not long ago? ✅️

the ssris stifle the tears that usually keep me company in this state, so i am left all alone now

i feel like i am always taking one step forward and two steps back

this sharp pain in my chest reminds me that every time i give, i am not accepted

a lesson never learned, i suppose

there was once a time when i would have given everything, but there is so much less of me now

so many small breaks have only enforced the walls i keep around myself

if i never give, then i can never be rejected

i can’t help but try to love and i have never met anyone who tries to love me too

tonight it is just me and the sound of the air filling the humid summer evening

i wish for someone to love me the way i should be loved but i fear it will never come

i am so tired and ready to give in to the depression again