i am an emotional wreck and i really dont know what to do about it
this is going to be some personal bs and reiterating of heck lore ya'll probably don't care for, just as a heads up
tldr: my new psychiatrist sent me on one of the worst trauma-induced spirals in some time.
its made me... self reflective in a way.
ive been going to therapy since 2021 where i came face to face with Horrors(tm) and was in charge of a team that relied heavily on me to survive (either psychologically or physically). while i did a decentish job at this, i also dropped the ball on a few aspects that resulted in an ambiguous fate of a family that im now fairly certain did not make it.
when i returned from this deployment, i was not myself. i havent been myself since then. and thats okay, ive learned a lot about myself and have come to terms with it and kind of embraced my new self, broken bits and bobs and all.
i really think ive come a long way, all in all.
occasionally i have some quirks: seeing and hearing things that arent there, reacting poorly to loud, unexpected noises, being literally ready to Throw Down at a moments notice, highly vigilant ... you know the deal. but it hasnt been all that bad managing it, especially with my fiancé's and friends help.
recently i moved cross country and had to reestablish care through veterans affairs in this sector - which, because of the shutdown, was a huge pain and took way longer than it should have. i am now currently out of medication and could not get refills until i spoke to their psychiatrist - that was today's appointment.
last week i accomplished an intake with a nurse that covered my entire history and all trauma's associated with it. it was a two hour appointment and i was mentally prepared for it to be exhausting and extensive so that i wouldnt have to go through it again.
today, i got on the call with the psychiatrist and had to re-hash literally every event because she doesnt trust her intake nurse and wants to establish her own history.
which on the surface is fair. however, this was a 30 min appointment and it became glaringly obvious within the first 10 minutes that she did not read anything on my file what-so-ever. so we speed ran my trauma history with little to no context, nuance or detail. and she made assumptions based on that.
assumptions that ran the gamut of "maybe your military trauma isnt trauma that you think it is, and you might be having a psychotic break like your mother did"
my mother who, on purpose and with full understanding of what she was doing, using god as her excuse, locked me in my bedroom for twenty years and manipulated and abused me to the point that i had to runaway - as a 21 year old adult - and join the military.
i didnt like this assumption.
before i could voice this, the psychiatrist continued on to say that she would not, in good conscious, refill the medication ive been on for three years until i went through an intensive, four week long trauma therapy program because i am "not currently in therapy".
which.... im not currently in therapy because they ended my three year therapy program because i moved out of that specific sector. i have been out of therapy for not even a month.
but all she saw in her notes (that she didnt read) was that i was not seeing a therapist.
and assumed she needed to convince me to seek therapy.
