#tw therapy

I didn't skip a single class period until second semester of 12th grade, which was when burnout from 5th grade finally caught up with me! I wasn't even skipping for fun, I was skipping to rest, to have a break, to sleep!

I didn't get to have a rebellious youth like my parents did! I didn't get to have the gap year to travel Europe like my stepmom did! I got divorced parents and ptsd and insomnia. I didn't spend the summer between high school and college having fun, I spent it trying desperately to recover from as much burnout as possible in 2 months. I spent it crying in my bedroom at all hours of the day and night trying to figure out how my emotions work because even if I didn't think I deserved that much, I knew damn well my boyfriend did. I didn't spend that summer with my friends, I spent it in my dimly lit bedroom trying desperately to cram a childhood worth of socioemotional development into 2 moths so that once I left for college I could pretend to be one whole person instead of the fractured amalgamation of 200+ people we really are.

Where in my teenage years full of navigating a divorce, harassment at school, recovering from parentification, trauma, multiple neurodivergences, and living on fucking food stamps for several months while my parents individually struggled to pay rent knowing I couldn't do anything to help either of them without it counting as self harm and then developing an eating disorder regardless, do you think I should have found the time to be reckless?

Was it in the months of saving up from my part time job to go to FanExpo in 11th grade? Was it in trying desperately to find a therapist who didn't make me feel guilty about talking to them or terrified to tell them my problems because I was afraid they would tell my parents? What about the 2 days I took off of school to recover from being hit by a car? Because those 2 days to heal that I ended up missing a math test for sure felt reckless to me. Spending that money on FanExpo, my first ever trip on my own that was Just For Me, instead of saving it for college sure felt reckless. Trying to find a therapist I thought I could trust instead of just staying with the one who went behind my back and told my parents something that should have been kept between us because it wasn't anything that was a threat to my health or that of those around me sure felt like I was being reckless with my dad's health insurance.

why does my parents' generation get to have "parties and concerts and sneaking out" as their reckless behaviour? why can't I have that? why do i have to have "wanted to spend the money i worked for on something for myself and wanted to feel safe addressing my Issues with a therapist and needing an extra day after spending all of the day before in the hospital for something that wasn't my fault" as my reckless behaviour?