#therapy queen

More Expresso, Less Depresso

It wasn't such a nice day. Then again, everyday had been a bad for Crowley since Aziraphale had left. At first, the demon decided he would sleep for the rest of eternity. Maybe at least in his dreams Aziraphale would be there. Yet even rest refused him solace. 

It had been two weeks since the fight. Two weeks, and Crowley hadn't slept a wink.  He tried to, he really did, but every time he shut his eyes, the scene would play in his mind. 

The image of an angel, his angel, looking at him with a look of shock, pity, guilt, and sadness. His posture straight and collar still ajar from when Crowley grabbed him.  Hands fidgeting together until they stilled, and Aziraphale had looked at him. And those eyes, the blue tantalizing eyes that gave him comfort. The eyes that had once gazed at him with such kindness and companionship, now wide with longing and agony. I forgive you.

Don't bother.

It drove him mad. He wanted to forget. He wanted to go back and change what he said, change what he did. Maybe then Aziraphale wouldn't have left. Maybe then they could have had their breakfast at the Ritz, fed the ducks at the St.James park, bicker over miniscule things, yet always seem to forgive one another in the end. 

Forgiveness

 Crowley hated forgiveness. He never wanted to be forgiven. He never thought he did anything wrong. He's a demon, the pure definition of unforgivable. Though it seemed he was always being forgiven.

Did his angel really think that little of him? That he was some evil creature who needed to be forgiven all the time? 

No, Crowley knew that's not how Aziraphale thinks. No matter what he said or did, Aziraphale would have gone to heaven. He had his own reasons, he had to. 

-------

Crowley slammed his hands down on the steering wheel of the Bentley, and the car rumbled to life. His plants in the backseat slid around as he turned quickly into traffic. They were well on their way to dying, leaves wilting and color fading. Crowley hasn't watered them since the day Aziraphale left. Typically, the plants would be too scared to let themselves die. Though Crowley barely even looked at them anymore, let alone yell at them. 

After a 15-minute drive of shouting at other drivers and stop lights, as well as almost hitting a few pedestrians, the car stopped. Crowley didn't really know where he was going, just trying to blow off steam. Yet the Bentley seemed to run off instinct. 

He found himself parked on the street next to a coffee shop and an all too familiar bookshop.

His eyes widened as he realized where he was. Grip tightening around the wheel, Crowley grimaced and glanced across the street. Through a window in the shop, he could see Muriel, pleasently working in their new human clothes while tidying up the shop. It had changed a lot in the two weeks since he had been there. There were no more piles of books and trinkets everywhere. It was neat and organized, almost like a proper library. The lights were brighter than he had ever seen Aziraphale turn them up, and quite a few people occupied the shop. They seemed rather happy, chatting away or flipping through pages of the books.

Wait... People? Customers? Shit. 

Crowley almost flew out of the car. Slamming the door shut as the Bentley miraculously turned itself off, a car almost hit him as he ran across the street. The doors to the bookshop burst open as Crowley looks at everyone, a sense of manic in his eyes. 

Everyone in the shop either gasped or jerked their heads towards him at the noise of it all. All except for Muriel, who happily waved at him before returning to work. Smiling almost maliciously, Crowley addressed them.

"Change of plan people! No books are for sale! Get out."

The would-be customers quickly gathered their things and filed out of the shop. Not wanting to upset the obviously crazy person who had just appeared, they mostly remained quiet as they left. 

Once all humans had evaded the premisis, Crowley marched his way over to Muriel who was standing with a confused expression. 

"What the Heaven do you think you're doing?!" He shouted

Holding up the feather duster in their left hand Muriel replied. "I'm dusting!" 

"No, not that! The books! Why were you selling the books!" 

"I'm running the shop like the Metatron told me!" 

"The Metatron" Crowley spat out his name like it was a curse. Sighing, he continued, "Aziraphale's going to be so upset when he comes back I-"

"But Mr.Aziraphale.. the Supreme Archangel..isn't coming back Mr.Crowley."

Oh...

He had forgotten. In all of his panic to protect his angel's precious books, Crowley had forgotten that Aziraphale wasn't there anymore. He was gone. He had left him.

Suddenly the shop didnt just look different, it felt different. The warm, homey feeling it once had was gone. Replaced by the stale and depressing silence of dread. 

He was silent for a long time, all he could hear was a ringing in his ears and muffled sounds of Muriel trying to get his attention as he stared off into nothingness.

"Mr. Crowley!" He had finally snapped out of it as Muriel grabbed his arm. "What's the matter?" 

He didn't respond, just blankly looked at her as he pulled him arm away. Stepping back, he grumbled out, "Just- don't sell the books. Tell anyone that comes in to piss off." 

Before Muriel could get another word out he was long gone. Leaving poor Muriel to stand alone in her confusion. 

Crowley was back inside the Bentley, looking up at the top of the car. He wanted to cry, to scream, to shout, to do something, but he just couldn't. Something inside him felt broken, missing, and he didn't know what. He didn't want to think about it, just wanted the feeling to go away, wanted to kill that part of him, wanted to kill-

A few taps came from his window, and he sighed and reached to roll it down. He expected Muriel, coming to find him after his outburst. He was shocked to look outside and see Nina holding a coffee cup and looking back at him with a pitiful smirk.

Once the window was fully down, the cup was quickly shoved towards him. 

"Hey expresso, you don't look so good."

Crowley just rolled his eyes and took the cup, drinking half of it - it was his usual six shots of expresso - before looking back up. 

"You don't say"

Nina returned the attitude right back, "Yeah, you look like shit."

It was true, his hair was grown down to his shoulders and it was a wreck, you could see the bags under his eyes from beneath the sunglasses, and there was five empty wine bottles in his passenger seat alone.

When all the response she got from Crowley was a dead stare, Nina decided to continue talking. 

"Look, I just closed up shop. Why don't you come in and we can get you a proper drink?"

Crowley mulled over the option in his head. He could just drive off and continue mopping on his own, but it that did nothing to stop the emptiness he felt. Hoping that it might distract him even a little bit, Crowley chugged the rest of the expresso and made a grumbling noise in the affirmative. 

Stepping out of the car he nodded towards the coffee shop and the two started on their way inside.

-----

Apparently, it is very difficult to explain a 6000-year relationship to a human. Nina kept questioning when and why certain things happened, why they didn't communicate clearer, why why why. And it didn't help when Crowley kept beating around the bush as to what happened right before Aziraphale left. Usually, this would irritate Crowley, but he was currently on the verge of tipsy as he lay spread out on Nina's leather couch she kept in the back. 

"Wonder what..what Warlock's doing these days.." he mumbled out, taking another sip of his wine glass that Nina gave him. 

Nina sighed as yet another one of her questions went unanswered. She was sitting at a table not too far from the couch, with the bottle of wine and her own wine glass close to her. 

"You still haven't told me what happened, Crowley." She spoke firmly, getting up and taking his wine glass from him. It was no use though, the demon just miracled himself another one. Still, Nina took that from him too. 

Groaning, he swung himself back to an upright position before looking up at Nina and replying. 

"What's there to say? I followed your idiotic advice, and now I'm alone!" 

"You know that's not what I meant. You've spent six millenia pinning after this guy, and it seems to me that it was mutual. Nothing that runs that deep just ends." 

It was silent in the room for a while, Crowley looked to be staring past her as she turned to put the glasses away. But as she was almost out of the room, Crowley responded. 

"..he wanted me to be an angel again."

Nina blinked a few times before turning back around. Setting the glasses on the table she spoke slowly, "and you didnt want to?"

Crowley took off his sunglasses, still staring out in front of him as he spoke. His posture was lowered as he leaned his elbows on his knees, holding his glasses in between them.

"Its one of the only things I wouldn't do for him

I've always followed him, protected him.. he's gone now, and it's like.. I'm not even me anymore." 

Nina took a deep breath, exhaling as she lsat down on the couch next to Crowley and leaned back into the cushion. 

"To me, it sounds like you need to figure yourself out.

Take a break, take care of yourself...

Also, stop living in your car. I have space at my flat if you need a place to stay." 

Crowley didn't know how he felt about that offer, but talking to Nina was making him feel better, and he was willing to give anything a shot at this point. 

Pausing for just a moment, he sobered himself up and finally turned to look at Nina.