#therapy fun

(Listen, I get there in the end, okay?)

I just thought that was really helpful because (1) that just goes to show how much the meds are actually helping me and (2) it reassured me that I’m not having some other random issue on top of the anxiety and it should get better once I take my next dose

me: *tries to figure out how to get out of going to therapy because I’ve spent the last 6 months talking about everything EXCEPT the thing I went back to therapy for and now I can’t avoid it anymore*

On the advice of my therapist, this week I've tried not to restrict any emotion I feel. What I've learned is that I'm one fucking emotional person. When I cry, I wail. There is no cute sob but pure unadultered sadness but when I laugh, I vibrate. What it has taught me is that in order to feel the positive emotions strongly, I also need to feel the negative ones as well. It's not fun and it hurts a lot but if it means there are more days where I can feel the happiness in my bones, I'll take it. Emotions aren't bad. They are part of the human experience and without them, you aren't really living and nor do you feel like it. So go ahead and ugly cry. You'll feel better.

So they tell you you need a degree but no one ever tells you how to get the job after that. I'm sorry but I just graduated and the job market is shit. What am I supposed to do now? I'm both overqualified and yet underqualified for everything. With the push for degree, I somehow lost myself along the way. I found myself acting way older then I actually am. I'm only 21 for fucks sake. Why the hell do I need a 9 to 5 job now? That doesn't exactly fit in with my therapy or doctor's appointments. I have no idea where life will take me and why should I stress about it now? I'm not 30 and it's about damn time I stopped acting like it. I'm young, dumb and broke but in the words of many songs these are the best times of my life and I'm going to start living it. I hope everyone else my age who is struggling with this like I am does the same. Live your life huns, you only got one and make it a hell of a ride.

The best way to describe how I feel is that I've taken all this magic and shoved it in a jar. I'm constantly trying to shove this magic in a jar because I was told that was where it belonged. Now, I'm in a place where I've been trying so hard for so long to put this magic in a jar that I'm tired, so tired. I can no longer do it as well and because of that my body doesn't know what to do with all this energy that is pulsing through it. I'm still fighting to put the magic in the jar even though it's useless. I just don't know how to stop even though I want to accept all the magic. I want to accept all that I am but how do you accept the thing you've been fighting all your life?