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@daisyslifeadventures
My War
How dare you tell me that I know nothing of war
For over two years I fought in a war
That I shouldn't have had to fight
And didnt even know what I was fighting
Except that I had to fight
Fight for my life, fight for my body
Even when the physical war ended
I still had to fight
I had to fight to know what had happened to me
I had to fight against my head for it all
So don't you dare tell me that I know nothing of war
For at least you knew what I was fighting
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I'm sorry if my chronic pain is too much
To make some accomadations for
I'm sorry I was born in a body that constantly attacks itself
And expect some understanding
On the days where I want nothing more
Then the pain to just stop
I'm sorry that I can't do normal things that you expect me to
I'm sorry that hurts to much some days to live
But you don't get that
And wont understand that everytime I have to say no it hurts me too
Little boys like you: a talk with my therapist
I had an interesting talk with my therapist today
We talked about how the other night
You told me you didnt want to have sex with me
For a while.
Something you couldnt grasps the gravity of the hurt
You inflected on me in the moment
You threw a cleaver at me
And then expected me not to bleed.
Then my therapist listed another girl
Who's boyfriend told her it was boring
Everytime she was on top
Who then proceeded to cry on my therapists couch
Saying "I'm boring. He thinks I'm boring"
I remembered a colleague
Who told me her man expected a blowjob
Every. Single. Morning.
And then was upset with her when she didnt want to do it.
She took it to heart and was crying at lunch
All of us girls, young women and old
At some point let a boy just like you
Critic our femininity and tell us we weren't good enough
And then wonder why sex had died down
Like the knives you threw weren't expected to hurt
Words have consequences
And maybe that's why sex has lost it's fun with you.
Fuck, fuck, fuck
"I just wanna fuck you"
Well I dont want to be fucked
At least all the time
Sometimes I want to feel more then a blow up doll
Sometimes I want to feel wanted
I just want to feel like you love me
Instead of just loving the idea of me
And just loving what my body can do
And maybe then, I'd want you more too
The Little Ship of Us
Don't complain to me
About things
That you can't offer a solution too
If you have problem with it,
Fix it yourself
I'm doing all I can
The reality is I'm struggle to keep
Us a float
If you have a problem with the boat
I'm rowing my hardest to keep
Pushing us forward,
Either offer a hand
ilInstead of complaining
Or jump ship
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Conversation Starters
How exactly do you start a conversation
With a man who turned his back on you?
Who raised you like his little girl
But then decided you were too much?
How exactly do I start a conversation
With a man who can't even look me in the eyes?
Tell me
What is it I have to do
To make you aware of my mental health
And how bad it is right now?
Do you just not think of me
And how everything affects me
Because in your head its not as bad as yours?
Repatation didn't work.
Crying didn't work
Begging didn't work
Tell me,
Will it take me screaming for things to stick?
Will that be the only way it penetrates your head?
If I go Richter scale?
Will then you think of me and what I need?
Or will your head remain firmly planted
Up your own ass in your own world
Where my needs don't matter?
Way to throw the one thing I ask for,
In my face.
That was real classy of you.
Normally, I don't care what you say or do
But when you throw the one thing
That I've had to fight for with you
Not even for selfish reasons
But for my own sanity
Was a low blow.
You did it to hurt
And congratulations it did.
Here's your gold medal.
Hope it was worth it
Because I'm over it.
I'm collapsing and you're standing still
What so I need to do to prove to you
How bad things have gotten inside my head?
What do I need to show how badly I need the things I ask for?
Tell me,
Do I need to break my knuckles punching a wall?
Do I need to rip my hair out in chuncks?
Tell me,
Do I need to starve myself to the point of concern?
Do I need to slit my wrists?
Is that the only way you'll take my needs seriously?
Is that the only way you'll take my mental health seriously?
Because if so,
That's fucked up
For those are real urges I fight everyday.
My Gut
I almost had forgotten the feel of hopeless
The empty stomach that held your heart
As the news hit
The moment you said you were going divulge
In another drink after three days of non stop
I had just spilled my heart out and my guts
About my anxiety and my paranoia
The feeling of helplessness returned
I guess I'm still not a priority
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What's ironic of this entire situation
Is that you're so worried you're going to hurt me
With all of your issues
But as things turn out
I don't think you can handle mine either
Because guess what love,
You're not the only one here with issues
And voices in your head
If these smalls things send you running
What are you going to do when it gets bad?
Guess it wasn't me who couldn't hang.
My heart hurts
And my eyes sting
I feel so alone
Even though I'm staring at your face
Through a computer screen
Witchy Woman
There's a magic inside me,
Pulsing in my viens,
Ready to explode.
This magic has been inside me
Since I opened The Book of Shadows
And now, I won't hide it.
I'm a witchy woman
Who knows a couple spells
That can rock your world
If you don't believe me,
That's fine.
Just don't accuse me of being a crystal queen
For this magic inside me has been around
Way longer before it was on trend
To worship the moon
And if I showed you my Book of Shadows,
I think you'd understand
Just how powerful I can be.
Day #7 of Therapy Repercussion
So my lovely therapist suggested that I start talking to my partner in detail about my anxiety. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety which means it's always there. Now, I've always talkrd to my boyfriend about it was bad but never how it was the rest of the time. My partner has always been supportive. We both suffer from mental issues but they're just different from each other and this was a way to show him that I'm just as fucked up. He said he wanted to take this on and stand by me through it, so I held nothing back. Now what's frustrating is that he hasn't been doing anything to help on the day to day. My number one fear is death. It is losing someone I love or dying myself and not knowing what happens next. Now I totally get his head issues and why he does the pure stupid shit he does. I've put up with it for a long time but after going to therapy, I'm tired of fighting sleepless nights, nail biting, anxiety, upset stomach because his dumbass self wants to go running in the woods at night and not communicate with me at all when this is going on. I love this kid, I do but sometimes I would like to be a concern for him or even someone he takes into consideration when he does this shit but he doesn't. Last night, he decided it was a swell idea to go drive to the gym to workout because he was in a bad head space. Cool, fine except maybe WHEN THERE IS A STATE OF EMERGENCY IN AFFECT BECAUSE OF SNOWMEGADEN(aka the giant storm that hit where I'm from with a foot of snow). Like I get that the roads might not look bad to you or whatever but you can be arrested for doing that as well as hi, I panic over the thought of you dying like no one's business but he fought against me so hard. Like he didn't care that I was fighting off an anxiety attack at the thought of him crashing (Like he did 2 years ago in similar conditions). I totally get that he was in a bad head space and I offered him numerous other suggestions but it wasn't what HE WANTED so therefore it was fine to then trigger me into a bad head space because at least he'd get what he wanted. It hurt a lot because I just finally opened the flood gates of this shit and this was his first response to me pleading with him. My family stepped in because they love him and they love me and didn't want him to do something stupid and hurt himself. Yes, I realize hearing my step dad tell him if you want to do this you'll do this without the support of this family hurt him hard but at the same time, he didn't mind hurting me. My family was thinking of how I, in my fragile mind space, would deal with something bad happening to him. Yeah it sucked for him and it sucked for me to but he didn't do it and honestly that's all my anxiety needed him to do so if that means he won't talk to me for days, so be it. At least he is alive. //end rant
Day 6 of Embracing Myself
On the advice of my therapist, this week I've tried not to restrict any emotion I feel. What I've learned is that I'm one fucking emotional person. When I cry, I wail. There is no cute sob but pure unadultered sadness but when I laugh, I vibrate. What it has taught me is that in order to feel the positive emotions strongly, I also need to feel the negative ones as well. It's not fun and it hurts a lot but if it means there are more days where I can feel the happiness in my bones, I'll take it. Emotions aren't bad. They are part of the human experience and without them, you aren't really living and nor do you feel like it. So go ahead and ugly cry. You'll feel better.
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The Sun, the Moon and the World
A world without it's Sun and moon
Can never produce life
For it will be perpetually surrounded by darkness
To know you'd be willing to leave me in the dark,
As someone who is supposed to be your world,
Hurts.
It hurts a lot.
My chest feels an ache of loss
To know that this world
Isn't worth your light
When I never doubted the worthiness of your light for me
But you doubt my planet
If I am your world,
How can you look me in the eyes
And tell me you want to die
When you are my sun and moon
Whom I've given everything to ?