#themarginalist

Capter 1 v1 _2 8 J U N E // T H E O T H E R N / G H T_

He told me that I was deteriorating. That he cannot trust me with my self. He continued to say that he could not rely on me nor kiss me, touch me or be with me. He had said all of this because to him, I didn’t need any of it, especially from him. I didn’t need it because I didn’t deserve it. This lead to how I only worried about him for a few hour’s meanwhile he has worried everyday about me since the day we met…well, that was what he said, at 22:22 in the evening. Every awakening. But who do you choose, someone who taught you unconditional love or someone who taught you how to fall in love with your worth?

His name, what was scary was that I knew but I didn’t know. And all he ever really wanted was for me to stop forgetting. Stop forgetting my light because that is something no one can save. The beautiful thing with this man (understatement) was that he said he didn’t love me, he didn’t hate me and he didn’t like me. He didn’t because he knows where he is constant and that is when I look at the moon. I just don`t know how it is possible for one to lose pieces of themselves with someone they love meanwhile the other is still whole. I mean, is that something worth deserving?

“What do you want from me?”

“I want what wants itself. What do you want?”

“I want nothing. Nothing because I have everything in myself...”

And then there was our silence. Our silence was the most intimate gift they could ever give to each other. “Don`t you get it by now?. I mean, how many times have we spoken about never needing to speak because we have already done all of that. This time, we only have to share our silence. Why does this feel like it is has needed more effort to do so?”

“I hear you.” I kept saying this a lot of times but something told me that I might never get to hear him again. My essence grew louder that all I could do was to be silent. This is a soul that I have had a privilege to know and understand, Yet I am still curious. I actually remember once, telling him that he came close. To my explanation, closer than the rest. Of course, he said he was far but that actually opened up the realization that I was not close for with him. It felt like my eyes were cut but because of that, I was able to see beyond my eyes, almost as if having hundred eyes.

It was a cold night and we had been sitting in the car for over two hours now. So again the silence broke but this time he was asking for a hug. “I don`t deserve to. I want to but I can`t. I just can`t. Now I feel like I have never earned it”. I guess I just felt overwhelmed about how to feel but feeling like I could never feel these feels, get what I`m saying?

Like having to choose between being your best with a certain individual or being your worst with someone else. It is actually crazy how many of us settle because we think we deserve to have someone`s “worst”. No one deserves to have the worst of someone. I sort of get that now. The energy of one serving two souls can really tire the body because for how long could he have been the best every day for the both of us while I was mostly in my worst? It is even more crazy to think that my soul became unhealthy for him over the years because I kept changing.

I could not blame him for staying the same as we had both always known that we are for each other, we don`t have to be together to prove it or understand it. We don`t have to strip away from what already exists which is the present, this moment. I must have forgotten his consistency because of how I forgot mine. While the street lights started flickering in a creepy way I just stared at him. Thinking that I feel him tire. I have actually tired my only light, how? Thinking to myself how do I gain back the time that they have lost because somehow knowing me has given them a loss, or at least that is how it feels like?

“Good night.”