#thelightbulbman

I've had. troubling incidents with everytime I've come out with a specific label. maybe because the people who made a big deal about it, were people who didn't quite understand that everything is a spectrum. even other queer people. yk the type of people whod go like, nonbinary people cant be lesbian! And i'm right because I am a lesbian! Also for some awful reason people keep on assuming the gender and sexuality aspects of my identity. its probably because im a little freak and i like playing with my gender like a toy. so they get mad/confused/critical when i dont fit into either girl, boy, nonbinary. All of a sudden we've reinvented gender construct (bad). but nuh uh its not offensive because we have nonbinary! I've had multiple people accuse me of being a 'gaybaiter' because I once said I was bisexual and then they got upset when i clearly had a large preference for men. That one was rather insulting.

Throughout highschool, people ask me if im a lesbian at least twice a month. or even automatically assume. and that has gotten me into. many incidents. and a broken heart. because i couldnt pick up signs. oopsie. everytime I've felt the uncomfortable need to 'come out' or share my 'specific-er' labels its always those people. The people who are inherently supportive and don't mean harm, but still end up hurting me because of their ignorance, unlearnt social constructs and harmful stereotypes, that they've just rebranded it in their heads, and covered it up with 'PC' language. Its a lack of education and exposure to queer people beyond what they read in their BL's and manhwas and those romanticised 'oh... but our families say we can't be together.." which is another can of worms of how its frustrating that queer experiences are being constantly erased because a lot of society doesn't see it as valid if its not in a romantic/sexual lense. Most queer people my age or around my age are usually understanding. but that means the ones that don't are the ones that end up hurting me the most in these former years.

I've learnt since then that I am better off keeping my mouth closed. because people generally dont understand more complex identities. which not their fault. shrugs. I dont wanna be the one to educate usually. I dont like putting myself at risk like that. but i think all those experiences have made it very difficult for me to ever be comfortable with who i am. Luckily, I've found my people since then. People i can talk about this aspect myself with without judgement or it affecting how they see me. Theres also a lot of other reasons such as religon, family and culture that Im still. going through. mainly religon. Who would've guessed from my favourite religious psychosis band. it mystifies me how people are so okay and happy with who they are haha. Its been 5 years and this is my first time celebrating trans visibility day. or even acknowldging that I'm not cisgender to irl people who aren't my closest friends (tho i've been using multiple pronouns from day 1)

So um yeah. labels. they've made me hate myself more than they haven't which is why im hesitant to consider the aro label because I don't want it to ever be weaponised against me. However that one has the most positive memories for me from the past. II have a friend who once gave me a sticker of a bow with the text 'longbow aro' and i thought that was the funniest shit ever. and she bought me a dnd diceset with the aro colours. I stopped using the label in my mind because I had a massive crush on my friend and I was like. oh right this must be what romantic attraction is. i guess i do feel it then. cool, that aspect of myself has changed. But after all that, I don't even know what romantic attraction is meant to feel like without the accompaniment of a neverending sense of guilt and shame. Like was i actually romantically attracted to this guy?? can't tell because i was going through the horrors of the idea of a romantic situation ever occuring to me. (WIGGLES MY EYEBROWS BIGLY.) even though I was the one having a crush on him??? like gawdamn i was definitely physically attracted to this guy. but what did this mean for quince in a romantic lense? (another can of worms to quince's psyche.grimaces. this was an important crush because it was the very first time i met someone who I could actually date and had accepted that I am a creature with something complicated going on that wasnt . general. young person insecurities. and was willing to stick by me.)

And also for my descriptory reasons I think it'd be fitting for who I am at the moment. I have a weird horror going on in my romantic wellbeing. saying im aro will make people back off or if they're really interested, talk to me more about my preferences about dating because I am firmly sure that im just on that spectrum, definitely not fully aro. I know what I want in my future life. But that is what i want for now because there are so many horrors that i experience that i might as well lack the attraction because im too busy fighting myself. But definition wise idk if this is just a preference in life at the moment thing or an actual lack of attraction . Upon reflection, I have never seriously thought of being in a romantic relationship in 2 years. I think boys and some girls are pretty but I don't let myself to dream more than that. but that could just be cos i hate myself in this particularly aspect. shrugs. This is the part where I try comb through this and see if its a priority thing or an actual. lack of attraction. this usually takes 6 months to a year. nervously looks around.