#thefreakshow

hi im thalia, curator of this collection, theres a lot of shit in here i’ve learned over the yeaars trying to be kind to myself as best i can and enjoy life and be nice to other people and shit. this is what helps me do that i think. i have memory issues and this is all stuff thats been said before but i’m gonna put it in front of u in some somewhat neat somewhat messy piles. some of it probably has ssome academic backing or smth but i could never honestly tell you which parts i’m stealing and which parts im making up. try to read with an open mind lmao. that way i can really get my worms in u. i'm also typing this howeveer idrc my keyboard is weird sometimes n i jus let it do that if it wants. could also be my shaky hands. whaatever, call it a unique narrative voice

its gonna draw a lot on concepts i talked about with my class n they all probably have notes somewhere and they might notice similarities between this n like death of ivan ilyich, wit, trans a memoir, safe, the elephant man, stuff like 

disability (for me its h-eds, go google it, but like essentially its the youre in a doubtable amount of agony always disease its so fun)

transness

autism

ocd

cptsd

multiplicity

schizophrenia

depression / mania

borderline personality disorder

immune system / stress disorders

"hypochondria" (BULLSHIT concept)

mortality (confronting and embracing and resisting and whatever)

#thefreakshow (reassurance for able bodied folks that they are normal and not so unfortunate, a place for freaks to see themselves empowered through freedom from shame and monetary gain, an instance where someone is deemed abberant and laughed at, and all the cruelty that implies)

#caregiving the dynamic between a sick person (hi thats me) and their caretakers and people around them and doctors and such

#medicaldrive trying to become “healthy” in whatever that means

being #monstrous, inhuman, needing to be changed or fixed to be acceptable for society, having caretaking needs beyond what others are capable of, acting in strange or harmful ways, being visually unacceptable (elephant man)

#unseendescent living in a body you know to be certainly doomed while others insist on the lie of hope, refusing to mourn you with you before you leave (death of Ivan ilyich, butterfly and diving bell to an extent)

#butterfly having a vast internal life you have no way of externalizing, thru paralyzation of the body socially or physically (the diving bell and the butterfly, trans memior)

#intrainterpersonalvoid the great distances that can exist between a self, the surface of the self, and others (elephant man, the diving bell and the butterfly)

#selftorture finding joy in a monotonous or painful or humiliating or degrading or otherwise negative state of being (the diving bell and the butterfly)

self sacrifice for society, #martyrdom for academia and medicine and other institutions, the beauty of it when it is chosen and the horror when you are selected arbitrarily or otherwise for sainthood (wit, the silt verses)

#lonelyartiste dedication to a craft as isolative

#happyhermit isolative existences as bearable and free of judgement, but also as lonely and maddening

#amisafe drives for saftey, for hiding and running away from pain and fear and negativity and how that doesn't guarantee a better life, how it can easily lead to a more isolated life (safe)

#woundedchild disability feminizing all forms, how it makes one appear less strong or capable or trustworthy or autonomous, needing a caretaker (safe)

#woundeddog disability masculinizing all forms, driving us to seek strength and autonomy over others, to impose pain on them (death of Ivan ilyich)

#whereisme questions of where identity is stored in the body, whether it is the brain and the memories or the body and it's reactions

#dataerror dementia / alzhiemers, memory loss and the fear and distress it can cause the self and others

#erraticity parkinsons, mania, loss of control of the self and the body and the fear and distress it can cause the self and others

loving the body as an animal that once had a self attached to it, as a monument and memory of that self (a splinter of a dad is better than no dad at all from the diving bell and the butterfly

#interpersonaldependence, living in symbiosis / parasitism with those around us, communication and trust without judgement surrounding needs

#narrativizingillness telling stories, simplified or romanticised or wwhatever versions of the past, about ourselves to better understand how to move forward, relying on others to read that story and give us kind and helpful advice, sometimes by telling their own story

here's the playlist of songs that will eventually be featured on this blog for lyrical analyzation

questions of this text

which philosophical approaches help me to be kindest to myself?

which attitudes towards death and suffering free me most from fear and discomfort?

how can I inscribe my identity upon my body in a way that protects me from those that wish me harm and endear me to those who wish me well?

to what extent can my strategic mental frameworks ease and reinterpret my pain?

how do we find ourselves? through others? through experimentation? through reactive aversion?

how can we love those with monstrous qualities?

symbols to look for

things

houses - personification of the house, a body that is written upon and lived in, haunted by ghosts of all who have lived there, theres a great jacob geller video on this, bees are inseparable from beehives

technology - humans are inseparable from our technology, so it is part of our organism, the material world pushed through the filter of our consciousness, the computer as a part of the brain, a different storage location, medical advancements as facets of human existence without judgment, eg treatments and the states they leave us in eg prosthetics, plastic / top / bottom surgery, drugs like chemo, hrt, even medically unconventional drugs like alcohol and weed and such

burning / fire - self destruction / aggression, the stage before rebirth, the phoenix alight

life from death - flowers on graves, the stage after rebirth, the egg in the ashes, a new self from the old

eyes - perception and interpretation, scopophobia and agoraphobia as well as narcissism, desperation for it / repulsion from it

masks - the curated self as a performance for others, customer service voice, code switching, autism, the ability to be someone else with great effort

places

the void - you aren’t supposed to be here, biologically, socially, mentally, it is unsafe, if you're here you’re dead or dying, the further in you drift the farther you get from humanity at large, but we long for it nonetheless, the sea, substances, bliss, nirvana, euphoria from unorthodox sources, wonderful location for self destruction

the city - human community manifest, a place designed and intended for you, healing doctors and nourishing restaurants, togetherness, the further in you go the harder it is to get away from others, from perception, from judgement and laws

people

the internal family dynamics - seeing oneself as being made of the people who have been in your life, perspectives you have experienced the impact of, each can become overactive within the self, and overlap with the other in weight of presence at any given moment

inner caretaker - managing your self as one would a child, soothingly, that eases pain effortfully, operator the coping skills we have learned from others

inner child - the strong averse reaction to stimuli, the desire for petty comforts that must be indulged in from time to time, feels the things we need to cope with

inner aggressor - the averse reaction to self or others, Adrienne’s “dog” who tears at her sweater, the destructive responses to stimuli we have learned from others, death drive

inner protector

inner lover - the attractive reaction to self, others, or stimuli, the ability to appreciate and be drawn to, the positive, creative response to stimuli we have learned from others, life drive

inner animal - the unthinking, bodily response, the knee jerk, the growl of a stomach, the fur on your legs, the baseline default continuance, body without consciousness

feared self - the version of yourself avoided being, the most rejected version of the self, the negative aspects you think may be part of you, that you see in others and are repulsed by

desired self - the version of yourself striven to be, the positive aspects you don’t believe you have, that you see in others and desire them for

the monstrous - ways in which we are demonized and made to seem inherently cruel or evil, archetypes we are pushed into when we unsettle or harm others

werewolves - one who is inseparable from their feared self, inner animal, then inner aggressor, due to cultural pressures of perception and the confined space of the roles it is allowed in (dog or man), feral dominant dissociation during sex

dolls - one who is inseparable from their desired self, idealized moldable femininity, innocence and youth, due to cultural pressures of perception and the confined space of the roles it is allowed in (infant or maid) fragility passive submissive dissociation during sex

vampires - one who is inseparable from their feared self and desired self, inner caretaker, then inner lover, then inner aggressor, trust turned sour, an unbelievably talented and powerful and influential figure, plotter, schemer, keeper of eldritch knowledge that grants control of others, active dominant vocal intelectual presence during sex

sirens - one who is inseparable from their feared and desired self, inner child, then inner lover, then inner aggressor, alluringly talented in irresistible ways, love as illusion for predation, form that grants control over others, active submissive vocal intelectual presence during sex

parasite - any piece of the family dynamic can take this role and each do so in their own unique way, one who's interpersonal dependancy is greater than their capacity to contribute positively to those dynamics

Okay, so this is my first ever story on Tumblr, so be gentle. Also, you do not have the right to copy, replicate or publish my work for profit without my explicit consent. 

Warnings: Mentions of creation? Slight horror but not much, circus acts

The freak master was in his workshop, surrounded by masks, glass, mirrors, clocks, silks and satins, machines and tools and a whole lot of other odd things and parts. 

The workshop was dimly lit with only one light right next to the master, illuminating his desk at which he worked tirelessly to create his final master piece. He combined a lot of ingredients-glass, gold, satin, lace, the tears of the broken, a shattered heart and finally the secret ingredient, a piece of the heart of a dreamer. 

He placed her tiny palm-sized body in his antique ebony wardrobe. It had elaborate hand crafted gold designs, held together by gold. The inside was delicately lined with velvet, with ivory legs decorated with gold swirls. 

He closed the glass door and the room was flooded with golden light. Soon the light faded away and his creation came to life. She grew, to the height of an average woman or a live sized doll. 

 He called her 'The Marionette', she was his final masterpiece, so perfect and so broken. 

 She wore a black lace mask that covered the top half of her face. It was elaborately decorated with gold and a single black feather. She had long dark brown hair that fell in soft waves down her back. Her skin was as smooth and as pale as cold porcelain. 

Her body was covered with a black and white ballet dress. Her bodice was black, covered in black lace. A single purple jewel shimmered at the centre of her sweetheart neckline.  An embellished belt adorned her frail waist. Her tutu was skillfully crafted with white feathers. It was so delicate that it could be mistaken as the petals of a lily. Below the feathers was the black layer, adorned with jewels. Around the edges of her skirt were tiny little tear-drop shaped diamonds, that shimmered and lit up the world around her when she moved. Her head was crowned with a black bejeweled crown, adorned with black crystals and white pointed spirals with twirling designs at the bottom. 

 When she opened her eyes the master felt as if someone pulled out all the air from his lungs. Her eyes were golden, like a shimmering sun set or an endless pool of molten gold, drawing him in and keeping him locked in place. She tilted her head curiously at him while he continued gazing at her, his perfect, broken masterpiece. He extended his gloved hand out for her to place in his, she stared at his hand for a few moments then looked at her own dainty hands. Slowly, she realized what she had to do and tentatively placed her hand in his. He grinned at her and led her out of the workshop. She wobbled slightly, like a newborn colt, but she didn't fall. As they made their way through a long hallway with oddly shaped walls, covered in white, red and black, she observed him. His black tuxedo hugged his skinny body. He had a head full of curls, covered by his top hat. One of his hands gripped an elaborately decorated cane which was more for decoration rather than practical need. He looked no older than 20 years old. One of his eyes was decorated by a black four-pointed star that resembled a four pronged star, his mouth was cut at the edges to give him a bigger, wider smile. He carried himself with a poise and grace that took decades to master. After walking through a few corridors that seemed to be identical, they finally reached a dead end. She tilted her head, curiously at the empty red wall and then at the master. When she looked at him, she noticed that he was already looking at her. She stared deep into his eyes, trying to decipher why he would bring her to an empty wall when she noticed the wall changing. The wall started twisting and turning as if it were a sheet of rubber and something was trying to get out. Finally, the whole colour of the wall changed and it turned black. Slowly a red door seemed to push its way through the seemingly never ending blackness. When the door completely emerged, the marionette looked at the master in awe, wondering whether he made the door appear.