#theetanthai

Biting as a love language

Do you think Tanthai used to come to Thee every time he had a scrap, every time he got scolded by his father? Was Thee, a little older, maybe just a little more serious, always there to wipe his tears and put a band-aid on his knee, to take his hand and run away with him to hide and play in the garden until his father calmed down? (Do you think the gardener knowingly kept silent about the mess they made in the flower beds when they played ball, indulgent ?)

Do you think that's why, despite Thee's current silence and inaction, despite how he accuses him of only staying by his side for money, Tanthai still seems to trust him? Why he keeps turning to him, keeps asking him again and again and again to please take him away from here? - like Thee is the only who could.

They were friends, and now Thee looks like he can't even touch him, taking a step back when Tanthai moves like he's going to reach for him. What happened since that picture? Did Thee grew up, a little faster than Tanthai, realizing that what he felt was changing? That the way they were with each other would start to attract disapproving looks and comments? Did he add this to the awareness of his situation regarding the Senator's family, of propriety and what was acceptable, and realize that this could not happen? That he had to distance himself (as much as he could, because despite it all he knew he couldn't go away)?

Did Senator Thatthep notice the comfort his son found in Thee, the closeness between them that was becoming more than the friendship of young boys? Did he take Thee aside, did he leverage the debt Thee feels he has toward him, did he threaten to send him away from Tanthai? What did Thee have to promise to be able to stay by his side? (would he have promised anything to not have to live with the emptiness in his chest when he thinks of not being around Tanthai?) Always be professional, follow Thatthep's order, never, ever forget your place and think you can even pretend to be anything more than a loyal bodyguard to Tanthai. Come back to him ready to protect him with your life but never showing him any form of tenderness, of kindness that could be seen as inappropriate. And so Thee did as he was told and kept his distance.

(Is that why when Thee finally reaches for him, his hand a gesture of quiet worry, Tanthai breathes again?)

Is that what Thee remembers, when he looks at the photo of them as children? All he has given up to be with Tanthai, in that shadow of a relationship, only to see him miserable, suffering, and hating himself. Is that what will finally make him decide that just being there isn't enough? That he has to give Tanthai more than mere presence if he wants them to make it through it?

Because he was happy for the first time in his entire life, a kind of happiness that needed to be shared, otherwise his heart would explode.

Because he never received love, affection, or care from his abusive father, and in that moment Thee was filling the void in his soul.

Because this was Thee's gift, to make Thaenthai feel truly seen for the first time in his life, beyond the money and power, beyond the bad-boy pose, and to make him know how much he is worthy of being loved.

Because he's just a boy who could never really be a boy and who let himself sink into the false freedoms of being an adult (parties, drinks, money).

...both finding someone who will believe in their inherent goodness no matter how badly they behave.