#theconsciousparent

I hope you are all doing well over there, experiencing joy and likely the opposite of that from time to time as well. Remember, it's perfectly ok and VITAL to experience all the things- they all play a role in the healing that is necessary at this time. So, be gentle with yourself and know that I am hugging you all hard Here are some little conversation starters for you, you and your higher self, you and your partner.. Whatever you are called to.  

Here are some take aways for me in the first couple of chapters, I hope you enjoy!

To Connect with Your Children, First Connect with Yourself  (Chapter 1, pg.6)

"If you want to enter into a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority. By not hiding behind an egoic image, you will be able to engage your child as a real person like yourself."

-Where in our relationships with our children are we projecting a superior demeanor? 

-Where can we establish more of a partnership with our children and equalize the playing field in our families? 

-Where can we allow ourselves to step off our pedestals of dominance? 

How Can a Child Awaken an Adult? (Chapter 2, pg.15)

"A certain child enters our life with its individual troubles, difficulties, stubbornness, and temperamental challenges in order to help us become aware of how much we have yet to grow." Dr. Shefali shares the story of Jessica and her mother Anya on page 16: "The only way we could unlock the unconsciousness that Anya's daughter triggered in her was by revisiting her past, in particular her family of origin...How can we guide, protect, and provide for our children in the physical world, yet rigorously relinquish all sense of domination of their spirit, unless we have nurtured a free spirit within ourselves?"

This is our work as the adults in your children's lives. This can be a difficult and painful experience for us to reflect on. Please know that you are held and it is safe to explore and be curious about your past. 

-What are some of your own wounds from your childhood?

-When was the first time you felt that wound or shadow side of yourself? 

-Sit with each one (list below) for a moment and observe what emotions arise when you say them to yourself. Where do you feel it in your body? 

Remember that no emotions are bad, our bodies reaction to these are our invitation and portal into determining our wounds and fears, ultimately opening the door to our healing.... 

Abandonment, Rejection, Shame, Guilt, Jealousy, Envy, Rage, Worthiness, I am not good enough, I am unlovable, My feelings are not valid, I must take care of everyone around me

-Go back to a time in our life when we felt most vulnerable. Who was there? What did you feel? Sit with this for a moment and take in any messages that come through...

-Where can we nurture ourselves more, cultivating more of a free spirit within us?

"Unless we consciously integrate the unintegrated aspects of our childhood, they never leave us but repeatedly reincarnate themselves in our present, then show up all over again in our children." 

I am with you all, you are not alone. I am grateful and truly honored to do this work with you at this time!  

With so much love,

Pertama membaca buku ini beberapa bulan yang lalu, saya merasa ini buku yang ringan. Hahahaha, sombongnya. Awalnya karena saya membaca buku ini berbarengan dengan beberapa buku lain yang rasanya lebih susah dipahaminya, tapi buku ini sangat mudah dipahami, membuat saya tercerahkan tanpa perlu pusing apa maksud penulisnya. Wkwkwk

Karena buku ini akan bercerita (baca: membicarakan) tentang kesadaran, tentunya dimulai dengan menceritakan terlebih dahulu kisah yang menggugah kesadaran kita. Pikiran kita, seperti monyet yang senantiasa melompat-lompat dari satu dahan ke dahan yang lain. Karenanya kita perlu belajar untuk mengendalikan pikiran, tapi mengendalikan pikiran dengan cara kamu harus selalu memikirkan A dan hanya A, kadang tidak langsung berhasil. Kita perlu berusaha memahami terlebih dahulu arah “perginya” pikiran kita dan pola perpindahan pikiran kita dari satu hal ke hal lain. Dengan rutin belajar “melihat/ memperhatikan” pikiran, kita akan belajar bagaimana pola gerakan pikiran kita.

Diawali dengan cerita tentang uang yang dibagi dua sama besar, karena di era modern uang menjadi satu hal yang sangat sentral dalam kehidupan banyak orang. Ungkapan, “Uang memang bukan segalanya tapi segalanya butuh uang” menjadi tren yang diulang-ulang di sosial media selama beberapa tahun belakangan, dan tentunya ungkapan dari dunia maya itu kemudian berpengaruh pada dunia nyata.

Memilih contoh tentang uang sungguh menyadarkan saya bahwa memang di kehidupan modern ini, meskipun kita merasa kita tidak menghamba uang, pada kenyataannya uang menjadi alat tukar yang tidak terelakkan fungsinya. Tenaga kita dihitung dengan uang, waktu kita pun dihitung dengan uang. Cita-cita manusia pun kini diukur dengan uang. Jadi, ketika Ibu Shefali menggunakan uang sebagai contoh, ini sungguh dekat dengan kehidupan kita sehari-hari.

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Saya suka judul sub bāb pertama, Kita membesarkan sebuah spirit yang berdenyut dengan ciri khasnya sendiri. Anak bukan sekadar anak, tetapi adalah rūh Tuhan, sebagaimana kita semua manusia juga ditiupkan Rūh Ilahi dalam diri kita. Tapi apakah Tuhan berada dalam pusat kesadaran kita? Bahkan kesadaran kita pun seringkali terombang-ambing dalam kegiatan dunia yang tidak putus-putus dan ditambah dengan ego yang tidak juga terpuaskan. Saya juga sangat menyukai pembahasan Ibu Shefali tentang ego yang nanti saya ceritakan juga.

Saya lebih suka menggunakan kata bercerita daripada berbicara, karena bercerita membuat saya merasa lebih bersemangat. Walaupun kenyataannya terkadang kata-kata yang saya gunakan tetap membingungkan. Oke skip.

Membicarakan tentang spirit ini Ibu Shefali menceritakan tentang anak adalah pribadi yang berbeda dengan kita, orang tuanya. Bagaimana pun kita berusaha membuat mereka menjadi kembaran mini kita, anak tetaplah pribadi yang mandiri, ia memiliki jiwanya sendiri, kesukaannya sendiri, dan tentunya kehidupannya sendiri. Ada banyak orang tua yang membuat anaknya menjalankan kehidupan orang tuanya, anaknya menjadi pemenuhan keinginan yang dahulu tidak pernah dirasakan oleh orang tuanya. Dan ini terkadang bukan menyenangkan anak kita, malah meracuni mereka.

Dan kenapa ini bisa terjadi? Karena kita melakukan segala sesuatunya dengan otomatis dan tanpa pikir panjang. Misalnya ketika menghadapi anak menangis, hal otomatis yang kita lakukan adalah mencari cara untuk membuat anak berhenti menangis. Kita tidak terlebih dahulu mencari tahu mengapa anak menangis, tetapi kita malah mencari cara membuatnya berhenti; karena tangisan itu mengganggu, karena kita takut tangisan anak mengganggu orang lain seperti tetangga, atau bahkan (alasan yang mungkin kebanyakan tidak kita sadari adalah) karena tangisan anak mengingatkan kita pada puluhan atau bahkan ratusan tangisan kita di masa kecil yang tidak bertemu dengan jawabannya—yang sama seperti kita sebagai orang tua saat ini, orang tua kita pun terburu-buru mencari cara menghentikan tangisan kita dulu. Kita lupa bahwa tangisan adalah media komunikasi bagi anak, kita lupa bahwa ketika anak menangis ada yang berusaha dia ungkapkan tetapi tidak bisa, belum mampu, tidak paham bagaimana caranya atau apa kata yang tepat, atau dorongan emosinya terlalu kuat hingga ia tidak bisa berkata-kata. Ada banyak sekali alasan menangis, dan tiap kali menangis bisa jadi dengan alasan yang berbeda pula, tetapi kita lupa bahwa kita pernah menjadi anak-anak dan pernah menangis untuk membuat dunia bisa mendengar apa yang kita harapkan.

Saya menggunakan kata lupa untuk menggantikan kata tidak sadar. Dan Ibu Shefali menggunakan kata kesadaran untuk mengingatkan kita. Kita berangkat dari tidak sadar, kita berangkat dari lupa. Melupakan masa kecil kita menjadi jalan keluar terbaik untuk melepaskan kita dari luka-luka masa lalu. Saya pun demikian, melarikan diri dari masa kecil yang tidak menyenangkan dengan melupakannya. Kita lupa karena mungkin kita tidak siap menanggung lukanya yang hadir kembali dalam kehidupan kita.

Ibu Shefali mengingatkan kita bahwa kita sebagai orang tua, sebagai orang dewasa kita kehilangan kompas kehidupan kita. Seperti yang saya bilang tadi, kita tidak lagi menjadikan Tuhan sebagai pusat kesadaran kita. Sehingga kita kehilangan arah, kita terbiasa melakukan sesuatu tanpa menyadarinya, otomatis dan tanpa banyak berpikir. Padahal mungkin kalau kita mau meluangkan sedikit waktu untuk memikirkannya, kita bisa mengambil keputusan yang lebih bijak.

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My all-time favorite “parenting” book is The Conscious Parent, but The Awakened Family is a close runner-up.

Focus on self-growth when having academic discussions:

“I know you want to succeed and do your best, so let’s work on this together.”

“Let’s try to figure out what your strengths are, and the areas you need help in.”

When your child brings up body image or weight:

“I see you’re upset with your weight and feel pressure to look different. Can we talk about this?”

“Let’s look at our relationship to food, and ways we can engage with greater mindfulness and balance.”

When your child is being disrespectful (after giving both of you space to cool off):

“Are you operating out of your highest self right now?”

“Is there another way you could express yourself so that your needs can be met?

Observe and highlight their good behavior:

“I love how peaceful you are right now.”

“I feel so connected to you when we simply enjoy each other’s company like this.”

I hope you are all doing well, settling into your own routines (or lack thereof) and finding some peace in the ebb and flow of it all.. Remember that we are all riding the waves... sometimes very gracefully, and at other times falling flat on our ass. It's ok to enjoy the thrill of both. 

Release Your Children from the Need for Your Approval (Chapter 3, pg. 25) "Who are we to judge them? They need to know that by simply being on this Earth, they have a right to approval of who they intrinsically are. We don't confer this right on them." 

Chapter 3, pg. 27 "Whether you have an infant or a teen, your children need to feel that just because they exist, they delight you. They need to know they don't have to do anything to earn your undivided attention." 

-What are some ways that you let your children know they are accepted simply for themselves, apart from what they do? (Dr. Shefali gives several suggestions of how you can do this on pg. 27) 

How Does Ego Function (Chapter 4, pg. 40) "We find it difficult to sit with the knowledge there may be a piece of us that is contributed to whatever negativity we are experiencing in our life, preferring to place responsibility for our situation on factors in the world around us." 

Chapter 4, pg.42 "If we free ourselves from our ego and simply observe our children's development as life spontaneously teases it out of them, they become our teachers. In other words, living authentically allows us to cease looking at our children as blank canvases on which we can project our image of who they should be, seeing them instead as fellow travelers on the journey, changing us as much as we are changing them."

"To live authentically instead of in ego is to embrace continuous evolution, realizing we are always in flux, always a work in progress." 

-Have you unconsciously projected any images of who you thought your child should be? Can you release those and embrace your child's is-ness?

-What is something that your child is opening you up to seeing about yourself? What is your child teaching you? 

If the answer doesn't come to you, take some time for yourself in a quiet space (without any guilt! It is important for your children to see that you take time to care and connect with yourself, and that you have boundaries around this. By doing this you are modeling it for them)

-Breathe deeply for 3-5 breathes, grounding yourself

-Once you feel grounded and connected, set your intention...Here are several suggestions of what you might ask:

What is one thing that my child is teaching me? What am I meant to learn from this experience?What am I being called to heal at this time?

For example, when I was in the classroom there would come moments where I was literally in my head saying "What the hell is going on here?!" and in that moment, trust me, a lot of big feels and resisting the situation would come up for me. But I was taught- all it takes is one moment, one breath to come into complete awareness. And from that moment and breath I can now act and come from a place of consciousness, rather than reacting from my own wounds.

Chapter 4, pg. 51 "Wielding power over others through control, criticism, reprimand, guilt-tripping, judgement, or demonstrating our superior "knowledge" is an indicator not of a superior soul, but of an impoverished soul... Growing up stifled in this way, we stop ourselves from exploring, taking risks, and thereby making mistakes. We fear the disapproval of our parents... With this egoic imprint, our tendency is to view power and control as a means of security."

This resonated with me so much, as I have been continuously put to the test through my life experiences as an adult to relinquish my desire and need for control. I had truly felt that control meant security, and security meant I was safe. Through my relationships with others I would make plans and mix them with concrete in hopes that they would provide a foundation for me to build all my hopes and dreams on. However, without fail, this foundation would crack, chip, and sink into a deep abyss which time and again left me feeling weak, alone, fearful, and abandoned. I had to learn that I was the one who created all of this, on the belief that I could control everything- and be safe. Because my inner child was so afraid and felt "out-of-control" she tried to control everything around her. I have had to become my own loving, compassionate, and supportive parent to my wounded inner child. In this process I have learned (and am still learning, and will always be learning, haha) about being with the as is of the moment. Bringing me to my knees with the gift of presence. Being with children has shown me the ultimate gift of what presence feels like, and how nothing else in the world matters outside of the moment I'm in. 

"In the presence of gratitude, fear cannot exist." - Samqurashi

Love,

My invitation to self-transformation and growth began years go, perhaps after the shock of finishing undergrad and not having a clue what to do next However, in the past few years it has been thrown into overdrive, never ceasing to stop, and always propelling me into deeper awareness and most profoundly, healing of my own childhood traumas. Do I wake up some times and say "Universe, please don't teach me anything new today!”... why yes, I do. And yet, the lessons pour in, and I am humbled by it all. The past several years I have turned towards my family to heal deep generational wounds, and although it has been difficult, emotional, intense, and painful, it has brought my family peace, unconditional love, and has liberated us all from the years of pain we harbor within. We know it doesn't end here and that there will always be work, but we are committed to the vision of healing for all and all to come after us. We are committed to shifting family dynamics that no longer work, and be it messy as hell, we trek through the shit.

Why am I sharing this extremely personal story... you are likely asking yourself at this point, haha. Because I woke up this morning extremely emotional, and I honor the tears because they are a release and an expression of mourning what no longer serves us. Then I began to fill my cup with some reading that I know would speak to my soul, The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. The children I have walked this journey with have given me the ability to go within and heal my own childhood traumas (which we all have to certain extents), and this book is depicting the exact ways that I have been able to do this, while honoring and seeing the light in each child. They are all so unique and beautiful, and the most forgiving and loving humans - I'm sure you've noticed! 

My invitation to you all, if you feel called to embark on this journey of self-healing and going in deep through the sacred relationship between you and your children is reflection through some curated text and questions from The Conscious Parent. This is an invitation for self-reflection really, and continued cultivation of the powerful and profound relationship that is between you and your children. Since many of you are spending more (a lot more, haha) time with your children at this time, it is a beautiful and special opportunity to explore this. Being quarantined with your loved ones will bring up a lot of stuff, and if I can extend an invitation to you all to look at those "triggers" with curiosity and playfulness. My hope is that it will become a healing period for you all as well. 

I will post some questions and practices that you could either respond privately to me, comment for the collective to see, or just have it be a discussion between you and your higher self, you and your partner.. whatever you feel called to. Remember this is for you, so if this is not the time for YOU, there is nothing wrong, nothing to feel guilty of, nothing to be ashamed of. You are whole, you are worthy, and are completely held from any and all judgement so please don't feel pressured at all. I love you all unconditionally.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you all. If you know someone who might also be interested please feel free to forward this to anyone. You are not alone, we are in this together!

With all my love,