#thebugle

NEW

FUCKING

The Congressman's Penis is a writing game my spouse and I came up with after listening to Andy Zaltzman of the Bugle's faux noir narrative on The Bugle Podcast. 

We got to try the game at a party recently and it worked great so I'm posting up the rules and the results from our attempts. I hope others find this as fun to

Materials

a hat or bowl

pencils and pens

a note book

scrap paper (ideally of at least 2 colors)

The Rules: 

to start everyone takes scraps of paper (Ideally of two colors) and writes down nouns or subject phrases onto one color and verb or action phrases onto the other. In our version we used white paper for the subjects and blue post it notes for the actions

The Alpha and Omega is decided either by consensus or by a dice roll. This is the person who will is responsible for starting the story and for wrapping it up at the end.

The first person takes 2 subjects and 1 action from the hat. They then write a minimum of three lines on the notebook using the words they picked

The notebook is passed clockwise, the next writer picks as many scraps from the hat as they want but must pick at least one. They then write a minimum of three lines using all of the words they picked

The notebook is passed again but another scrap piece of paper is used to prevent the next writer from reading all but what the last writer wrote. The next writer takes as many prompts as they want and continues the process. The most important rule is that you can only read the part of the story that the person before you wrote and no more.

the notebook goes around the group as many times as is comfortable (for our group of 7 we found two rotations was good but larger groups may want to do less and smaller ones more.) It then returns to the story starter who finishes the story

The completed piece is read aloud.

Sample Result

 STORY THE FIRST

David Tennat awoke one day to find a gauntlet stuck on his left arm

“what?” said Tennat, “How did this happen? And when I have to spare in the British Celebrity Shirtless Charity Boxing Tourney!”

Pulling the babel fish out of its tank he inserted it into his ear on his way to his laptop. He signed onto twitter and sent an IM to his booking agent

                “Help, I’m a gauntlet short of a marvel film!”

A brief yet palpable pause ensued. The booking agent finally replied “how is that my problem figure it out” Frustrated David strummed his fingers against his Ikea desktop until he realized he had only one option left. Reservedly he walked into the kitchen, poured a glass of scotch, downed it and called The Kandyman on facetime.

                “Quite dicking me around, Kandyman” David yelled, “I know you have the documents. I know you have the flash drive with the colinswop virus. I know what you did in Prague!”

                “You know very well that I when I was shitting on the Soviet scum in Prague I was eating all the chicken and wearing the hat” he said.

                Then the cat wandered in . Realizing that it had entered the wrong room when it looked around for food but only found her owner yelling about some old communist. A loud meow resonated in the air.

                The cat then noticed a duck standing in the room not wearing any pants. It was mumbling about it’s nephews and seemed angry. The meow had belonged to the duck!

                “what’s wrong?” asked the cat.

                The duck patted the pockets of its tunic, “I hath lost my cigarettes” the duck confessed, “and I beith hopelessly addicted”

                “Have you tried e-cigarettes?” Asked the cat

                “Not yet” the duck replied, “I’ve been waiting for a charger adaptor that works in the TARIDS”

                David Tennant tapped his foot impatiently waiting for the plot to come back around again.

Some hours passed and David awoke from a deep sleep he hadn’t realized had fallen upon him like a blanket. Sleep h ad consumed him so comfortably that he dreamed of his days on tour as a professional “Harpsichord Hero” player. That was a long time ago, and presently David fond himself stuffing memories of old glory back into his mind and instead focusing on the intensifying smell of mountain grown coffee from the hills of Columbia

                Running a lazy hand over his bare torso he padded to the fridge. Opening the door he blinked into the electrically powered chill. Finding the bottle of Baily’s Creamer on the door he grabbed the bottle and returned to the counter that housed a steaming mug of coffee. He leaned against the counter shivering at the cold touch of the granite against his skin. He poured the vanilla liquid into the mug watching the swirling currents blending the cream into the hot black void.

                He posted moving gifs of the entire affair on to Tumblr. A lot of people hearted the gifs. Then he put the cat in the blender.

                David Tennant then drank the cat mix he had made basking in his new recipe

                “I think I will call it Meow-Mosa” he exclaimed as he looked into the mirror with a smile on his face. But sadly it was time to go, he stepped onto the TARDIS as the 10th Doctor and appeared on the Titanic. The End.

STORY THE SECOND 

  Steve the Crocodile Hunter entered the bathroom looking for his missing Camen (a small crocodilian reptile). He checked all the urinals to no avails. Suddenly, he heard an odd noise. Curiosity getting the better of him he glanced under the stall and saw Vladimir Putin vigorously fucking  a goat

“EGADS!” Exclaimed Steve, “The infamous Russian strong man is a goat fucker!?!?!”

                “QUIET” the fascist wanna-be declared wiping the goat poop from his hammer and sickles, “Or I will pistol w hip you with my x-box”

                “THAT IS NOT EVEN A THING!” Steve retorted fighting back tears.

                Steven threw down his controller and walked upstairs”

                “That asshole lost his mind after his 14th genital piercing” he thought to himself. And it was true. His friend *had* changed since then; he couldn’t even remember the last time they played Super Mario Brothers together. Steve let out a heavy sigh, resigning himself to the notion that his friend was just a giant douche and sat down as his favorite fantasy-porn started playing, “Game of Moans”

                Six hours later (halfway through the first act) Steve found himself in one hell of a position…LITERALLY. He had somehow stretched into “the pigeon” position (all the better to pleasure himself, my dear).

                “Sweet barn owl lichen! This movie is so hot it could shit on Putin!”

                “DOM LIFE!” He screamed as he came “DOM LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFEEEEEE”

                “Holy crap” He whispered as he felt his pulse pounding and his inner goddess trembling in …*~her “place”~* <3

                Just then Gandalf came in and saw Steve acting weird. He thought to stay something epic and bold but instead walked out and left Steve to his business. Once he stepped outside Gandolf thought, “by the belly of Brian Blessed, I must find a way to prevent Steve from bleeding!”. He whistled for Shadowfax rushing to get help.

                Sadly the only help Gandolf could find for Steven Moffat was Karen Gilian and her only idea was to pee in Steven Moffat. Karen Gillian’s magical pee healed Steven, only for the internet fanbase of Doctor Who to kill him again.

                “THIS IS WORSE THAN HITLER” posted user “AnneFranklover69” on Tumblr right beneath a fan art of Finn and Jake from Adventure Tiem having an orgy while pooping on Steven Moffat, “SHAME ON AMY POND!”

                “What even is this shit?” Gandolf asked upon seeing the fandom response.

 “I’m too old for this bullshit, Steve. Fuck I need to get laid” he added lighting his crack pipe.

Meanwhile, Loki was in the kitchen blending during and harpsichord parts into a theoretically delicious beverage. Adding a healthy slug of vodka he let it pulse until the consistency smoothed out, hoping the party hadn’t started without him.

The blending came to a finish not a moment too soon. Just then his roomate’s cat passed by!. Cat Benatar had been diagnosed with a sinus condition two months prior and just traversed the kitchen leaving a trail of snot behind her, much like a snail. Loki’s disgust was interrupted (gleefully) by the sounds of erotic friend fiction being shared from the living room.

Still disgusted he removed his pants passing them to Heracles as he went into the living room to give them a piece of his mind

“GURL! WHAT THE EVER LOVING HELL IS GOING ON! That is not how you tie a pearl harness and that is certainly NOT how you safely fist!” he grabbed the draft out of the trembling figure’s hands and tore it in half shouting with the clarity of a French horn “FORESKINS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY”

But no one was listening, and Heracles didn’t care. He was quietly pondering the falling of the acorn from the tree; a victim of gravity as are the rest of us, doomed to die under the pressures of life. This doesn’t matter, and foreskins are destined to be cut. So it goes…

“Three less characters, and then I can tweet it” said Heracles out loud. After spending a few minutes thinking of a hash tag, Heracles got bored and decided a leave, remembering to grab his fedora as he left.

But when Heracles stepped outside there was a time slippage and he fell through time!. Helen Keller was standing before him. Heracles watched as the clouds opened up and it started to rain Daleks. Heracles wept for he was powerless to save Helen Keller.

As the Daleks bludgeoned Helen Keller with their plungers Heracles farted and fell backwards tumbling thorugh time and space once again. He found himself falling out of a TV that was tuned to the BBC (which was playing the oddest episode of Doctor Who he had ever seen”.

“NOBAMA” The Daleks on TV screamed as it grabbed the whip cream.

Heracles found himself in a very posh bed room where his eyes fell upon quite a sight. On the bed an S.S. Officer Themed Clown was kneeled over and red balls deep into none other than Richard Dawkins.

SQUEACKY SQUEACKY HONK HONK went the clown’s balls as they slapped against Dawkins

“ZOOM ZOOM IN THE BOOM BOOM” screamed the politically incorrectly themed clown as he increased his rutting pace; his public hair becoming a rainbow blur.

“OH LACK OF GOD, OH LACK OF GOD” Dawkins screamed as the Clown blitzkrieged. A long cord of multicolored knotted hand cloth exited from Dawkin’s mouth.

The Clown slapped the noted scientist with his riding crop. He wiped the sweat off of his swastika printed red nose as he made a balloon animal out of the used condom.

“Anyone seen Putting?” said the Goat to Heracles as it walked through the door

“what the ever loving fuck?” The goat said. But alas it was too late as Heracles had hanged himself”