#thebeastinside

So here I am. At 4 AM. I’m doing some thinking about what has happened today and what has happened in my life. As the title says. Today was damage control after the nuke that was dropped on me yesterday. 

That one guy who is my Ex came over later last night. He came to apologize and say that yesterday, he acted out of anger. That it was just pure rage he was speaking out of, not thought. That he had just planned to let me have it all at once. Well he did. You can read my previous post and see that he did all that and more. He unloaded everything that he had in his head, whether it was right or not. I told him it was ok. He was speaking out of emotion and that it was him letting everything loose. I think he was relieved. I don’t know how to read him sometimes. He was either relieved, or so broken that he didn’t know what to do. Yeah, I was hurt by what he said, but I understood that it was out of anger and emotion, not conscious thought.

Then we had that bitch. Oh her, I am still mad at. I’ll get my revenge soon enough. She dropped out of the group without the huge splash that I thought she was going to make so I lucked out there. She did however try and tell a few people about “Staying Away from me because I was no good for anyone”. Well ok. I personally don’t think it is her. I think her boyfriend Ian is behind the whole thing. She is smart, but not this ballsy. She got it from him. It is not her nature. Anyway. Just another two people I will have to deal with down the road. Crap. More Burn control.

I covered all the bases I could. I talked to friends I could and tonight I will have to go to a meeting for the LGBT group I am apart and there I will have to do damage control. That whole group is falling apart. I don’t give it long at all. Maybe to the end of this semester. We might have new blood coming in next year. Who knows. It may just be jump started. Honestly, it is because of one person and one person only. I won’t name drop on here. I hate the guy, but I won’t let my rage get ahold of me here on this one. So this fuck has a sense of entitlement. I don’t know if it fake or not. Maybe he genuinely feels like he has to protect everyone in the group. But he feels like he the expert on everything [According to Zeke ;)], which makes it nearly fucking impossible to have a conversation with him because he always has to be right. He doesn’t know leadership, he doesn’t know how to control a group. This might be cold, but I would prefer to move the group on without him. He does need help. I will give him this. He has been through so much. I mean a lot of shit that would definitely fuck a person up. The thing is that he doesn’t reach out to anyone for help. That just can’t work. Either way. I want to take the group in a direction that I think will work. I feel like I have the cajones for it. I don’t know if the group feels the same way, but I will try.

AS for me? Tonight has been a long night. I haven’t slept at all. Not a wink. I need to but, that is what a mid day nap is for. 

So I sat here and I thought about my life. What I need to do. 

Let me set a few things straight.

I am a sex addict. 

I have a problem.

I suck at being intimate.

I cannot have a normal healthy relationship.

I have no idea what my sexuality is.

But most of all....

I am a sex addict. I live for the rush. I have a deep thirst for the pull in my gut and that animal like desire to chase down my prey. I do not control it, it controls me.

It has controlled my life for long enough. It is my beast that I have to control. It is the Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll. Sometimes, I am the proper gentleman and I look normal. On the inside there is a beast that will tear anyone apart that gets in it’s way. I let it loose for long enough. It is time I controlled the beast. I left it off the leash and it has done nothing but ruin it all. This beast must be tamed. 

What do I think created this monster?

Porn. I won’t blame BDSM. I just want to say thank god I learned what consent was before I started all this shit. I would hate to be in the same spot I was now and not know about consent within BDSM..... fuck. 

Maybe It was because I can’t communicate my feelings across and I feel like I have to use the sensual to fill in the holes in the relationship that I can’t fill with words, emotions, thoughts, connections. Maybe I am just a sociopath? Would I know? Why is it so hard for me to connect to others with feelings. I can’t have a good relationship? Why I feel like when I am in a relationship, I am faking feelings, that I am not feeling anything I am supposed to feel? Maybe it is just a combination of all of it. Maybe that part of my brain, the emotional center, is just under developed. Is it the ADHD? The drugs simply zapped off that part of my brain? I know I have emotions. I have rage, sadness, depression, extreme happiness. It is hard for me to funnel them sometimes. They just explode. Everywhere and I have no idea what to do with them. FUCK. UGH.

I can talk all day about what I think caused it. I would rather look at fixing it now. Before I gets out of hand. This is my demon. The next choice I have to make is do I kill it? Or do I tame it and keep it on a leash? 

Fuck, I just need to focus and go to sleep. Wake up tomorrow morning and get it all done. Figure out what I need to get done and get shit done.