#the5000

I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. I was bawling my eyes out yesterday by myself and now I’m sitting here laughing out loud to myself. I must be crazy. 

God, you are so crazy. Crazy good. You know what else is crazy? Well firstly, how much I’m using the word “crazy” is ridiculous and so out of context of its actual meaning. And secondly, it’s crazy how one conversation with a friend or one intimate moment with God can really change how you see things. I feel like a lunatic, walking around my house laughing to myself right now (I’m not even kidding you). Anyways, beware of a very long post.

So for the past three months now, my roommates and I have been keeping in touch in regards to prayer requests, challenges, and sharing. We challenged each other to go do something intentional and have been updating one another ever since. So long story short, my friend in Anguilla has been praying for a friend for weeks, and one day he was sharing how he made a choice to change his lifestyle. Seeing how she has living with a heart for God, he realized how the way he was living was not right and he wanted to reach out & do more within the community because God has been really convicting him. It’s really encouraging to see how God’s working even in another country and how he cares for us!

Which takes me to Mark 6:30-42. I read this yesterday and I was crying. But today, I’m reading it and now I’m laughing. Laughing in awe and wonder.

So Jesus wanted to go rest, but then a huge crowd followed him. Seeing the crowd when he landed:

“…he had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.” – Mark 6:34

Okay okay okay. Lets stop there for a moment. This line just hit me right in the core. Who is Jesus? He is our shepherd. What does a shepherd do? Psalm 23. Bam.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes me soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me… Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

That’s who our God is! Because he’s our shepherd, we lack nothing. And yes, we are humans who are so weak and we fail all the time but even in our darkest moments, we will fear no evil. Why? Because our shepherd… our Lord… our Father is with us. No matter where we go, his love… his goodness… and his presence will always be with us. But why does God want to be our Shepherd? No offense but I don’t think sheep is all that nice and good (besides the fact that they’re soft and fluffy). Sheep seem like animals that are so afraid all the time and runs away whenever wolves come lol.

So next Psalm. Psalm 24. Check out the first line.

“The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters.” – Psalm 24: 1-2

Well would you look at that? Why does our Father care so much as our Shepherd? Why would he tend to a flock that wanders all the time? Because we are His. Everything in this earth… from the trees to the waters, from the skies to the ground, from the stars to the moon, from my house to your house, and everything in between… it belongs to the Lord. God has created this universe. Just as a father and mother that love their children who are their own flesh and blood – their creation – I believe that all that God has created is his baby. His children whom he loves oh so much. We are His. We belong to Him. We are his sons and daughters. We are made in His image. 

Doesn’t it make so much sense to why Jesus would have so much compassion for the crowd that lets him have no rest in Mark 6?!

“When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd…” – Mark 6:34

Yeah, we are sheep who are weak and fragile. We wander off all the time. We get scared easily. But Jesus sees our needs and shows compassion. He’s our shepherd that guides, leads, and loves us because we are His. He’s the shepherd that we need.

So Kim, what the heck are you even doing right now?! I sit here laughing at my stubbornness. Two questions that I’ve been asking myself lately are: “Kim, who are you serving right now? Are you serving yourself and your fears, or are you serving God? Kim, what are you trying to save right now? Are you trying to save the church or are you trying to save people?”

HA. As much as I wish to say that I’m serving God and his people, I’m not. I’m serving my fears. I’m letting my fears make my judgments and decisions. I’m truly trying to save a church building. I keep thinking that if I had more power… if I was a leader or if I joined worship team, then maybe… just maybe, I can do something. I can get people to come back. I can get people pumped up for God. I can initiate a bunch of things. I can work with the Vietnamese congregation and do something.

But no. That’s not it. I mean, those things aren’t bad things but my motives are bad. I’m not here to save a church. Church isn’t built within the four walls. Church is the people. We are the church. And if we are the church, then doesn’t that mean that the church belongs to God too? Because we belong to God? Yes. Everything on this earth is His.

So Kim, again. What the heck are you even doing right now?! You don’t need to be a “leader” in title to do God’s work. You don’t need to desperately try to come up with strategies and plans to save a church because you don’t do any saving. It’s God. Remember? God is our shepherd that saves the wandering sheep.

If we look at the rest of the Mark 6, we see Jesus telling the apostles to go feed the 5000. Immediately, they’re like:

“That would take more than half a year’s wages! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?” – Mark 6:37

And what does Jesus do? He blessed the 5 loaves and 2 fish… and fed the five thousand people with that. What seemed like a humanly impossible task was possible for Jesus. The apostles were helpless and powerless, but Jesus isn’t. Jesus could have shooed everyone away, but he didn’t. Because as our shepherd, he genuinely shows compassion to his people. His – not mine – people.

His people. His church. His sheep.

Remember that if God so genuinely cares for the birds of the air and the wildflowers, God will definitely care for us. Aren’t we not much more valuable than they? (Matthew 6).

I feel like I’ve just been slapped in the face this morning. After weeks and weeks of wander, conflicted feelings, and being all over the place, I feel like I have a clearer mind and heart now. The realization that I am His child brings this peace into my heart. Because I’m His child, I know that He’ll take care of me as my shepherd and father. Just as He took care of the Israelites, of Abraham, of Noah, and of my roommate’s friend. And this is the same for everyone else within the church. I’m here to be the church… not save a church.

And God, you’re doing something. Just as you fed and care for the 5000 people with such limited resources, you’re going to feed and care for the 10 people who are still remaining at this church. You’re going to feed and care for the people who are at the new venture. You’re going to feed and care for the people who have moved on elsewhere! 

I know You are. And I know You will. So I will wait on You.