#markstory

“After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, ‘Why couldn’t we drive it out?’ He replied, ‘This kind can only come out by prayer.’” - Mark 9:28-29

This kind can only come out by prayer. Only by prayer. Prayer. PRAYER. 

Last night, I missed the usual Wednesday bible study but I ended up creating my own mini (and by mini, I mean two people) bible study! With who, you ask?! With my sister! Actually, I didn’t create it but my sister came up to ask me if I wanted to have a bible study session with her. I know you’re thinking: “Oh, cool. That’s nice!” But you probably don’t understand why this is worth the excitement. 

For those who don’t know, my sister and I don’t really have a close relationship. We don’t squeal over boys together. We don’t talk about our problems. We don’t share our opinions and thoughts. There'll be those super rare moments when we share our problems but that's only when there's absolutely no one else and we're in deep desperation. But overall we’re usually polar opposites and just don’t interact with each other much. Almost like two strangers living in one house, except that we’re connected by blood. But that slowly started to change last year. A prayer that I’ve been praying since 2012/2013 (yes, I know the year) is for my sister to come to accept Christ and for her to have a desire to search & reach out in faith. I've been praying for us to have an open intentional relationship and opportunities for us to do so. And trust me, it was so damn hard. I want to be intentional with her so many times but every time I try, it always end up as me walking away awkwardly. And when she tried to reach out to me, it was so weird to me (because the idea of my sister sharing was foreign to me) that my first automatic response was to jokingly say: “Ew, who are you?! So weird.” I know that I like to joke and play around a lot… but that was the one time I regret doing so. It was just hard to get close. It was hard to be real to each other. It was also especially hard because we were on different journeys in life… we had different values and morals. We had opposite opinions on things. Even our faith was different - she wasn’t sure of Christianity for the longest time, whereas I was sure.

But praise the Lord for how our relationship is shifting. If you told me that she confessed her struggles in front of everyone, I would be like “Are you sure it was my sister?” If you told me that my sister told me she looks up to me, I would laugh in your face (although I don’t know why she would look up to me… I fail so many times as a sister and friend). If you told me that I would be the one to keep her accountable, I would laugh spitting in your face. If you told me that we would start having one-on-one bible studies, I would laugh harder in your face. If you told me that we were going to have late night talks about faith, boys, and life, I would be like “HA. STOP JOKING.” But here we are in 2016 - sitting in our rooms, discussing Genesis together. Here we are, studying the bible together for the very first time last night. Here we are, sitting at 3am, talking about faith, struggles, boys, and life. Here we are, on the couch where she said that she looks up to me and she’ll miss me when I leave for school. Here we are, joking how there’s no one to sleep talk to her in the middle of night. Here we are, joking how she won’t wake up to my awesome presence (lol jks). 

How did we even get to this point? What happened in between? A prayer that I’ve been praying since 2013…. I am finally seeing it come to harvest. To life. And I didn’t even do anything. Well, I tried to do tangible things but it never worked. But through prayer and through God, something happened. 

It’s like when the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn’t drive out the demons. They can try all they want but at the end of the day, it was only through prayer and Jesus that the demon could leave the guy. This kind can only come out by prayer. 

Three years of praying. Three years of waiting (and I’m still waiting because I know this isn’t the end). Three years of many awkward attempts to grow closer. Three years. I am now seeing that prayer come to fruition… wow. Just wow. Do you see why this is so exciting now?! And if you still don’t, well then… at least pretend to share my excitement haha. 

So friends…

“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“’It’s not what goes into your body that defiles you; you are defiled by what comes from your heart... It is what comes from inside that defiles you. For from within, out of a person’s heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these vile things come from within; they are what defile you.’” - Mark 7:15, 20-23

Note to self: Check yourself. What’s on your heart?

I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. I was bawling my eyes out yesterday by myself and now I’m sitting here laughing out loud to myself. I must be crazy. 

God, you are so crazy. Crazy good. You know what else is crazy? Well firstly, how much I’m using the word “crazy” is ridiculous and so out of context of its actual meaning. And secondly, it’s crazy how one conversation with a friend or one intimate moment with God can really change how you see things. I feel like a lunatic, walking around my house laughing to myself right now (I’m not even kidding you). Anyways, beware of a very long post.

So for the past three months now, my roommates and I have been keeping in touch in regards to prayer requests, challenges, and sharing. We challenged each other to go do something intentional and have been updating one another ever since. So long story short, my friend in Anguilla has been praying for a friend for weeks, and one day he was sharing how he made a choice to change his lifestyle. Seeing how she has living with a heart for God, he realized how the way he was living was not right and he wanted to reach out & do more within the community because God has been really convicting him. It’s really encouraging to see how God’s working even in another country and how he cares for us!

Which takes me to Mark 6:30-42. I read this yesterday and I was crying. But today, I’m reading it and now I’m laughing. Laughing in awe and wonder.

So Jesus wanted to go rest, but then a huge crowd followed him. Seeing the crowd when he landed:

“…he had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.” – Mark 6:34

Okay okay okay. Lets stop there for a moment. This line just hit me right in the core. Who is Jesus? He is our shepherd. What does a shepherd do? Psalm 23. Bam.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes me soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me… Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

That’s who our God is! Because he’s our shepherd, we lack nothing. And yes, we are humans who are so weak and we fail all the time but even in our darkest moments, we will fear no evil. Why? Because our shepherd… our Lord… our Father is with us. No matter where we go, his love… his goodness… and his presence will always be with us. But why does God want to be our Shepherd? No offense but I don’t think sheep is all that nice and good (besides the fact that they’re soft and fluffy). Sheep seem like animals that are so afraid all the time and runs away whenever wolves come lol.

So next Psalm. Psalm 24. Check out the first line.

“The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters.” – Psalm 24: 1-2

Well would you look at that? Why does our Father care so much as our Shepherd? Why would he tend to a flock that wanders all the time? Because we are His. Everything in this earth… from the trees to the waters, from the skies to the ground, from the stars to the moon, from my house to your house, and everything in between… it belongs to the Lord. God has created this universe. Just as a father and mother that love their children who are their own flesh and blood – their creation – I believe that all that God has created is his baby. His children whom he loves oh so much. We are His. We belong to Him. We are his sons and daughters. We are made in His image. 

Doesn’t it make so much sense to why Jesus would have so much compassion for the crowd that lets him have no rest in Mark 6?!

“When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd…” – Mark 6:34

Yeah, we are sheep who are weak and fragile. We wander off all the time. We get scared easily. But Jesus sees our needs and shows compassion. He’s our shepherd that guides, leads, and loves us because we are His. He’s the shepherd that we need.

So Kim, what the heck are you even doing right now?! I sit here laughing at my stubbornness. Two questions that I’ve been asking myself lately are: “Kim, who are you serving right now? Are you serving yourself and your fears, or are you serving God? Kim, what are you trying to save right now? Are you trying to save the church or are you trying to save people?”

HA. As much as I wish to say that I’m serving God and his people, I’m not. I’m serving my fears. I’m letting my fears make my judgments and decisions. I’m truly trying to save a church building. I keep thinking that if I had more power… if I was a leader or if I joined worship team, then maybe… just maybe, I can do something. I can get people to come back. I can get people pumped up for God. I can initiate a bunch of things. I can work with the Vietnamese congregation and do something.

But no. That’s not it. I mean, those things aren’t bad things but my motives are bad. I’m not here to save a church. Church isn’t built within the four walls. Church is the people. We are the church. And if we are the church, then doesn’t that mean that the church belongs to God too? Because we belong to God? Yes. Everything on this earth is His.

So Kim, again. What the heck are you even doing right now?! You don’t need to be a “leader” in title to do God’s work. You don’t need to desperately try to come up with strategies and plans to save a church because you don’t do any saving. It’s God. Remember? God is our shepherd that saves the wandering sheep.

If we look at the rest of the Mark 6, we see Jesus telling the apostles to go feed the 5000. Immediately, they’re like:

“That would take more than half a year’s wages! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?” – Mark 6:37

And what does Jesus do? He blessed the 5 loaves and 2 fish… and fed the five thousand people with that. What seemed like a humanly impossible task was possible for Jesus. The apostles were helpless and powerless, but Jesus isn’t. Jesus could have shooed everyone away, but he didn’t. Because as our shepherd, he genuinely shows compassion to his people. His – not mine – people.

His people. His church. His sheep.

Remember that if God so genuinely cares for the birds of the air and the wildflowers, God will definitely care for us. Aren’t we not much more valuable than they? (Matthew 6).

I feel like I’ve just been slapped in the face this morning. After weeks and weeks of wander, conflicted feelings, and being all over the place, I feel like I have a clearer mind and heart now. The realization that I am His child brings this peace into my heart. Because I’m His child, I know that He’ll take care of me as my shepherd and father. Just as He took care of the Israelites, of Abraham, of Noah, and of my roommate’s friend. And this is the same for everyone else within the church. I’m here to be the church… not save a church.

And God, you’re doing something. Just as you fed and care for the 5000 people with such limited resources, you’re going to feed and care for the 10 people who are still remaining at this church. You’re going to feed and care for the people who are at the new venture. You’re going to feed and care for the people who have moved on elsewhere! 

I know You are. And I know You will. So I will wait on You.

This morning I came to the realization that I’ve been laughing at God a lot. Even through my conversations with people about God, I talked as if I’m almost laughing at him. I know it sounds kind of weird but it’s true. My conversations with God nowadays are mostly like:

“God, I need Your help.” “Okay trust me Kim.” “(laughs) Okay. I trust you… I think.”

“God, why aren’t you helping me? I need you.” “Okay trust me Kim.” “(laughs) Okay okay. I do… I am. I trust you… I think.”

 “God, I’m so stuck. Seriously. I need you more than ever.” “Okay trust me Kim.” “(laughs) Yo I do! Like I really do. I trust you… I think. I trust… you.”

You’re probably thinking that I’m silly but all this time, when I say that I trust God, I think a part of me is laughing at him. Probably scoffing like: “Yeah right… I trust you but… nothing’s going to happen.” I feel like one of those people who just crowds around Jesus, curious of him but not truly believing in Him.  Like in Mark 5:21-42.

Jesus is on his way to heal Jairus’ dead daughter and as he goes, a large crowd follows him. People are touching him everywhere, pressing against him. But one woman, with constant bleeding, touched him and was healed instantly. Like what?! Then Jesus is like: “Who touched my clothes?” (Mark 5:30). Everyone is basically laughing at Jesus, thinking: “Why would you ask such a stupid question? Everyone is touching you right now. What do you mean by ‘Who touched me?’” (LOL). Don’t you think it’s so weird? Everyone is touching Jesus yet only one woman in the whole entire crowd is healed. And Jesus noticed that one woman and says: 

“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” – Mark 5:34

The story doesn’t end here. Lets move on. So Jesus got to Jairus’ house and told them that his daughter isn’t dead but just asleep. And what do they do in response?

“But they laughed at him.” – Mark 5:40

They’re probably thinking: “This guy is crazy. The daughter is clearly not moving or breathing… she’s dead. But yet he says she’s asleep?! Like who are you?” (LOL). Again, don’t you think it’s so weird? Every single person sees that the daughter is dead yet Jesus says the opposite. And he immediately takes her hand and says:

“Talitha koum! (which means ‘Little girl, I say to you, get up!’) Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around.” – Mark 5:41-42

Just what is going on?! I think this scenario is exactly me right now. With this transition at church, my heart has been heavy. It saddens me to see our church crumbling down, bit by bit. I pray and ask people to pray for God to help my church. For God to use me in any way. For God to lead us with a kingdom mindset and a heart like His. 

Each time, God tells me to trust him and I tell him that I do. But at the end of the day, I don’t. Instead, I laugh at him just like the people who crowded around Jesus.

“God, how can you use me at my church right now? I trust in Your power and will... … oh, but wait. I’m leaving in a month so I guess I can’t do much. … oh, but wait. No one wants to be led so I guess we’re not moving forward. … oh, but wait. We’re all dead anyways so I guess no one wants to do anything. … oh, but wait. They’re going to make up excuses and not care so I guess there’s nothing to do.”

I see that I’m reaching out and touching Jesus but not actually touching him (if that makes sense). I’m simply reaching out in curiosity to see if God can really do what I heard that he can do but I don’t really fully believe that he actually can do it. I’m secretly laughing in disbelief.

But…

Each time the crowd laughed at him, Jesus stopped and proved to them who he was.

“Your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” “Little girl, I say to you, get up! Immediately, the girl stood up.”

Jesus’ miracles are like a wake-up call to the people who laughed at him. It’s as if he’s saying: “You were laughing just a minute ago. Now look at what I’ve done. This is who I am. I am the Son of God. I am one with my Father. So don’t be afraid; just believe.”

Like what am I doing?! Can I really call myself a believer and a follower… or just a follower who simply follows but doesn’t believe? Shouldn’t my prayers be more like:

“God, how can you use me at my church right now? … I’m leaving in a month but still use me. … It feels like no one wants to be led but still use me. … We’re dying but still use me. … No one cares but still use me.”

It’s not me that will move this church. It’s not me that will bring the dead back to life. It’s not me that will bring peace and freedom. But it’s You. Use me for your Kingdom. Use me for your glory.

I don’t think I have the right to declare who’s dead or alive. Nor the right to declare who can or can’t be saved. (Although I admit that lately, that is how I’ve been thinking about church and it’s wrong for me to think so). But if Jesus can heal the impossible and bring the dead to life, then hearts of stone and hearts made of old wineskins can be moved and be made new. I know that most of us see the exact same thing right now - a dead church. A church with no future. But Jesus is telling us to “not be afraid; just believe.” It’s a matter of true surrender and to watch our infinite God be all that he says he is. 

So dear self and others, are you going to sit there reaching out simply in curiosity and laugh in doubt whenever things seem impossible? Or are you going to reach beyond curiosity and laugh in satisfaction and wonder at what God’s going to do?