#the-thing

Images from an unpublished Thing miniseries by Barry Windsor-Smith. The comic tells the story of the Thing, who is going through depression and feelings of loneliness. One day he receives a letter with an offer to participate in an advertising campaign. Realizing that perhaps this is his chance to find himself in life, Thing begins to prepare for a future interview.

I do not know how to feel about this. I am a child of horror. Horror became a twisted form of therapy for me where I used that and the history genre as a sort of escapsim from the real-life horrors in my neck of the woods. As I got older and I accepted the life I was born into, I was still an avid horror fan. When I re-watched The Thing, I got more curious about the source material and the first adaptation so I got to watch the 50s The Thing from Another World and read the Who Goes There? novella by John W. Campbell. Needless to say, I appreciated John Carpenter’s The Thing more. So I am not sold on the whole idea of rebooting it.

First thing’s first. If they are going to do a reboot, why not instead do an adaptation? The novella is nearly a hundred years old. It is not a long read and it can easily be adapted into film (although I would prefer it to be adapted it into a miniseries. Out of the two adaptations, it is John Carpenter’s The Thing that captured the claustrophobic and terrifying features of the novella, but it still changed the nature of the monster. *Spoiler alert!* In the novella, while the parasitic monster can split himself and each part of it is ‘alive’, it does have a form. And let’s just say the form is ... the stuff of nightmares. That is all I will say. With today’s CGI + good old practical effects (like those used in The Thing), I can see this horrific creature come to life. The only thing it would fall short would be crafting a killer score to beat Ennio Moricone’s score for The Thing.

Okay, okay, this is a monumentally important issue, so maybe I should cut it some slack, but this cover raises SO many questions:

1. What is turning invisible faster going to do, when you're already grabbed by green man. 2. Nice namedropping the team, Johnny. But it's at the top of the cover. 3. Nice namedropping yourself, Ben. But it's in the box on the right. 4. Where the fuck did those ropes come from? 5. To anyone who doesn't know Reed's abilities, that just looks like a shitty off-model drawing. 6. They barely fight this monster in this issue. He appears on another splash page, and then the actual fight was like, 2 panels, and not worth me even including.

I know they really had no idea what they were planning with this, but even so it's such a weird fucking intro. Time for me to assemble my superhero team I've never assembled before by announcing our name in a cloud of gas in the air!

Also, "Central City". As all geographers know, New York is the centrallest of cities.

And then we introduce Sue as someone openly oblivious to her own superpowers.

That's right, the one thing I love more than cars is melting the shit out of cars.

Johnny somehow attracts the attention of the military.

Thankfully, Reed is here to harmlessly toss a NUCLEAR LOADED DEVICE INTO THE WATERS OUTSIDE NEW YORK CITY.

Yes, that's right. We're going to hint at and later show their first adventure; but first, we show their origin story; but before we even did that, we have to show them acting accidentally like jackasses and causing mayhem. That's what will really help us establish their characters.

At least we can show those commies what for!

Earlier in the issue she was both amazed that she "really was invisible", and that she could activate it at will. She really never tried to use the power between the incident and the calling? Never tried it in front of a mirror?

Johnny discovers he can fly and decides to burn down a national forest.

Not pictured: The Mole Man.

A series of bizarre cave-ins all located around areas of dense radioactivity. Surely the best team to help a scientist out is his girlfriend, a big guy, and a teen; and not, say, more scientists.

I’m sorry, what?

Also, I left it out, but earlier in the issue Ben got the call and abandoned his “disguise” to make his way here. Where did a new one come from?

On this completely undiscovered island: actual monsters, apparently.

Also Reed, what are you wearing? What’s with that hat?

You just HEARD there was a giant three-headed creature? From WHO?

Luckily, this deux ex cave-in saves us from thinking about the plot much longer.

Okay so... I’m no scientist, and I just googled this, but I can’t seem to find any reason why a collection of diamonds would be producing light. One, they would need a light source. Two, unmined diamonds don’t really sparkle at all, that’s caused from when they’re cut by a jeweler. And finally, how is light so powerful it knocks someone unconscious, and why do they need full body suits just to protect their eyes?

Also, Mole Man’s shades are rocking.

Sorry to put a whole page, but Mole Man’s backstory is by far the most relatable thing in this entire issue. We’ve all been shunned by jobs and love, and opted to find a mystical land in the center of the Earth, right?

His “first fatal mistake” never comes up again. Mole Man and Reed spar with sticks and Mole Man wins; the sticks don’t ever come up, Mole Man’s heightened senses aren’t mentioned again in this story, nothing.

Okay, I know it was the 60s, but “Before I slay you all, behold my master plan”? REALLY? Also, that plan doesn’t make any sense. Why are nuclear plants the one thing that are an issue from his mole creatures a---wait, mole creatures? He has never mentioned mole creatures before and they don’t appear later in the issue, but I think they might in later issues? Anyway, whatever.

Also where did Ben get ANOTHER coat and hat from??

Moments before this, they were trying to escape with the Mole Man. But eh, whatever; we might want him in a later issue, but we still need to closure, so sure, he blew HIMSELF in.