#the three rules

Dr. Madeleine from “Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart”.

Concept art by Stephanie Martinez http://www.stefmartinez.com/en/

This past Monday, I was eating lunch with a friend, their spouse, and their child, Abby. Abby wasn’t interested in lunch, in fact more interested in coloring and putting stickers on things, but these pursuits let Abby sit anything but safely in the chair.

So, I told them about the second rule, and the second rule is “SIT SQUARE IN THE CHAIR” which is very safe. So, Abby sat square in the chair. A few seconds pass and they ask “But what’s the first rule?!”

Well, now I had to explain that there are three rules. The second rule, as I already stated, is to sit square in the chair.

“The first rule,” I began, “is ‘WATCH OUT FOR POSSUMS,’ of course.”

“Hey Jules, you know how they say that your relationship with your Dad will affect your relationships with other men? Well, it’s kind of true."

  I've noticed that I’m terrified of hurting boys. So scared. I walk on eggshells around them all the time and it actually messes things up a lot. It’s so easy for me to be super straightforward with guy friends of mine and say exactly what I mean and bring up the conversation topics that aren’t necessarily going to be fun. But with boys who like me… It scares the shit out of me. Just the idea of having those conversations terrifies me. I really need to learn to get over that.

  I molly-coddled my Dad's feelings for years, always watching what I said and what I did to make sure that I wasn't offending or hurting him. Looking out for signs that he would snap and give me the grumpy silent treatment for days. He used to make things so unpleasant sometimes. This over-cautious consideration has apparently translated to the way I interact with guys who are interested in me. 

  I don't really know how to fix it. I guess the first step is knowing that there's something to fix.

  I’ve been thinking too much about boys. Which inevitably leads me towards a Boys Are Stupid phase. Which doesn’t help anyone.

  Knowing that sooner or later that night, I needed to have a conversation that I didn’t really want to have but had to have. Saying that I’m going outside for some air and knowing that he’ll come with me.

  You say too late to start got your heart in a headlock.

  “I am inexplicably attracted to you.”

  I don’t know how reply to that so I just sort of smile awkwardly and look away.

  I hate the fact that I’ve managed to mess this up so badly. I really do. I’m going to find a way to fix this. Somehow. Maybe I’ll arrange for coffee next week or something.

  “I’ve had enough heartbreak and to be honest, I don’t really need more of it. My shrink told me that I set myself up for failure - at least, when it comes to girls.”

  I hate myself so much right now but I have to just take the plunge and stop this. Even if I don’t want to.

  “The three rules are something I refuse to compromise on. I have them for very good reasons and I believe that they determine the kind of relationship I want.”

“But you’re inhibiting yourself so much.”

“I don’t think so. This is what I want. It may not seem like it but it is. No one is telling me to have these three rules – I chose them. And I still choose them.”

“So is there any room for testing out the waters despite your three rules?”

“No, not really. My three rules test the waters for me.”

“Should I pursue this?”

  What can I say to that? I want to say yes because I like you and I like spending time with you but I’m not that selfish. Except maybe I am because I couldn’t really bring myself to say no. I think you got the message anyway. It made me really sad.

  “But Chloe! Why do you do this to me!”

I wish I hadn’t. I’m so, so sorry.

Hormones suck.

  It really is me. I want to be able to talk to whoever I’m dating about what happened in church and to have them really understand where I am spiritually. I hate drugs. I really, really hate drugs. I don’t want to have to sit by and watch – I couldn’t handle the illogical feeling of complete betrayal. I would feel so very betrayed. No sex is a thing. I will not have sex before I’m married, for various reasons. I’m not expecting whoever I date to be a virgin but I do expect them to completely respect my physical boundaries and never push me. This is how far I will go and that’s that. Our relationship will be far more emotional than physical and I want that. I don’t want casual sex with the same person over a sustained period of time. I really don’t. I don’t want the emotions that I’m feeling for you to be largely based on a chemical reaction my body has after sex. I want to love you because of you – not because the after sex glow made my brain go haywire.

    I’m a romantic cynic, if that makes any sense. I am a romantic but not in the way that a lot of people are romantics. Do not give me flowers – I hate flowers. Plant them in a garden instead and let them be beautiful there. I definitely do not want anything with hearts on it. Do NOT buy me chocolate or cake or anything you find in Cardies. Listen to what I say and what I like and buy me something you know I’ll appreciate. That’s the kind of romantic I am. I completely believe in life-long love with one person. I’m waiting and hoping that it doesn’t come in the next few years.

  Or maybe deep down, I really want it to come but I’m so fucking terrified of it happening.

  There’s so much of me that he doesn’t know and so much he might never see. I’m so shy, so private. I’m terrible with talking to boys. Mostly, I just want to sit there and be quiet and hope that everything magically sorts itself out.

If you want to go somewhere in life, you'll need to follow the three main rules in life...

You will need stand up for what you believe in, chase after your dreams or you dreams won't come true.

Always ask no harm will come from it. The worst that will happen would be the answer "no" but if you don't ask the the answer will always be no.