PS: *I think Herobylers noticed these scenes but I'm not sure.

Parallels with “all knowledge is precious” from Hector

One of the worst things about making poor decisions is that their effects will spread forever. I might never be able to apologize to all the people I’ve hurt and I’ll certainly never be able to heal all of the hurt I’ve caused. I’ve lost count of the apologies I’ve given and the ones I’ve yet to give. If anyone who remembers the way I acted in the Mianite days wants an apology from me personally, please seek it out, or at least try and take this message to heart. I don’t want to keep bad relationships with anyone. On the other hand, I don’t expect everything to work itself out. I realize there are some things we have to let go. I finally apologized to X33N a few months back, but I still haven’t done it properly. The way we ended our Mianite days wasn’t good. I was envious of him moving into the streaming world and threw some bitter darts thinly disguised as advice. From the bottom of my heart, I’m so happy for him and so glad that he’s been able to get the message of positivity out there through his streams. There were other conflicts in the Season Two team that have become known to the community. I’m sorry that I didn’t bring myself to love my teammates better as we did our work. I’ve always struggled with impulse control, sensitivity, and self-esteem. Cutting people off, using them for what they have to offer, and inflicting pain through words are all things I’m tempted to do when I feel like I’ve been betrayed, deserve better, and deserve to make someone else feel my pain. My late teens and twenties have been marked by incident after incident in which I realize that I haven’t mentally equipped myself for what life is gonna throw at me.  Now I’m in a place where a good number of people might never accept anything I do in the future because of things I’ve done in the past.  Admittedly, I’ve forgotten a number of those things. While I’ve tried to resolve many of the issues I do remember, a few in particular could use another look. Some of the choices I made in the writing of the Mianite series and its after-lore were awful.  The way I played pre-Krys Martha was weirdly lascivious and I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea. I don’t recall my reasoning for it, aside from tasteless fun, but it doesn’t sit well with me anymore and that’s not how I want anyone to see Martha. As I’ve said countless times, I’m grateful that Krys took control. As a note, I would never suggest that the characters I played were somehow more important than the ones played by the rest of the cast. Krys, X33N, MadSpy, Ral, and others played amazing, heartfelt, and widely loved characters. A lot of what they did was either loosely connected with stuff I was doing or totally free rein. They – not I – made Season Two come to life. It would’ve been a dreary and skeletal tale with no NPC’s apart from the handful I controlled. Back in the vein of bad taste, the Ianite tree story had some sexual themes and I regret a few of the descriptions. They weren’t necessary for the portrayal of Ianite’s wanderlust and lovesickness. Someone thought that my line about the diameter of the tree increasing with age was an innuendo, and I can see what they mean but it actually wasn’t meant to be one. I’m sorry if that worsened their impression of an already flawed story. Andor should never have gone back to my brain at the end of the Clear Sky Hermit. I should’ve left it open-ended. I don’t think that was a huge issue for a lot of people as much as it was boring and predictable, but nonetheless, it’s something I regret. If I haven’t addressed the Andor fan art and fan fiction issue enough, here’s another stab at it. When people were making certain interpretations of Andor, I was upset about Mianite winding down, my spotlight narrowing, and my control over that amazing universe diminishing. I took it out on the beautiful creations of beautiful people, and that’s one of the things I might never be able to forgive myself for. I hope that anyone who was hurt by my attacks has either been able to read my previous apologies or find healing of some other kind. Within bounds of legality and acceptability, anyone can make any interpretation of any character they want. If I ever try to go against that statement again, please smack the living daylights out of me.  This isn’t an apology – just an explanation – but my interest in Sparklez was purely a narrative one. He interacted well with my NPC’s. I had never watched his content before Mianite and I rarely watched it afterward. I never developed any kind of obsession with Sparklez. The behaviors of Andor and Ianite weren’t expressions of any such obsession. I’ve said some things outside of Mianite that need resolving too. I never tried to convince anyone that incest was okay and I certainly never tried to suggest that it was “on the same level as homosexuality.” I can’t find the old posts, but all I meant to say was that in fiction, and ONLY in fiction, a very shallow exploration of something like genetic sexual attraction might be okay. It’s a thing that can happen to people who lose contact with a family member, remove the association of family from that person, suddenly see them again, and experience strange feelings. Even in fiction, I never want to read about such feelings acted upon in any way, shape, or form and I’ve never written about such feelings being acted upon. I’m not interested in incest in fiction or in real life. If you’re gonna read or write incest, don’t let it leak into real life, don’t show it to me, don’t show it to other people who shouldn’t see it, and stay healthy. That’s all. Case closed. As for “on the same level as homosexuality,” no. Just no. I’m pretty sure I was trying to draw some kind of strange parallel between the way my bigoted father viewed gay people and the way some people viewed FICTIONAL incest, but thinking back on it, I can’t imagine how a single word of what I said made sense, and if I said anything more than what I remember, I wholeheartedly throw it in the trash. It was ridiculous. I’m sorry. That was one of those cases when I wrote something and awhile later looked back and said, “Wait, what? I don’t even know what I was trying to say there and I certainly don’t believe it. I think I just wanted to assert myself.” I don’t support Notch’s political views and I agree with the removal of his name from the Minecraft credits, but I do thank him for what he’s done, wish the best for him generally, and hope he lets a little more love into his heart. I don’t wish him dead. I’m not apologizing for that, lol. The past two years hanging out in a subsect of the old Mianite fandom have given me a lot of healing. One of the big things I’ve taken away from that group is that forgiveness is astonishing. I could never have believed that anyone would accept me so fully in spite of such flaws. It’s made me want to extend the same kindness to others. I don’t think I’m very good at being kind.  If you’re reading this and still have some beef with me, I just want you to know that I love you a lot and will continue to do my best to be the type of person you would accept an apology from. If you can’t meet me in that place or don’t think I can meet you there, I’ll understand. People have their own journeys and need to keep themselves safe.  Again, I’m really sorry.