#thatdickhead

For me, it's always something in between.

The brothers with benefits vibe doesn't work for me because I think it eliminates a lot of their romantic coding within the text and acts like they've never had a romantic thought about the other which feels deeply untrue. This also tends to be where a lot of people imagine they have an open relationship and while I think sometimes that is true, I don't think that's what they actually want. Sam and Dean long to be monogamous pair bonded mates, but they're too scared the other one won't want that, so they're afraid to ask for exclusivity. I fully believe they get over their fears and become monogamous, but it is a journey to get there.

But on the other hand, functionally a couple often gets rid of their absolute weirdness that is important to their whole makeup. They brothers, lovers, soulmates, best friends, and parent and child; each layer and dynamic has equal weight. I see it less now, but sometimes people will write them as established and it will read like a generic m/m romance, which misses the mark of why they are special (at least, to me). I think there are epic romance in their DNA, but it's underscored by how much they are brothers and friends and how Dean was the one who raised Sam, so fundementally those parts cannot be removed to focus solely on the romantic aspects, they are intrinsic to what makes Sam and Dean unique.

It's why viewing the ship as inherently dark, fucked up, and abusive is also wrong because their love can be toxic and destructive, true, but their love can also save the world and move mountains. Their relationship is kind of indefinable because it's everything, which is why when I write established Sam/Dean, it's me trying to jugle all these aspects and remembering what they are to one another.

hi kissing u on the mouth

13. “i say this with all the love in my heart, but you look like shit.” + Q. love + 𓃟. the lush, indulgent foyer of a member’s only club

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The FIA gala is boring. It always is. And it's always fucking cold in there, and his stylist saw fit to put him in something gauzy and chiffon-y and fucking thin. So he did the only thing that made sense; he slipped out, and is now loitering outside the hall, trying to warm himself up.

"Oh, you're here too."

He looks up to find Valtteri walking towards him, grinning. "Hi," he says, arms crossed across his chest to keep himself warm.

"Hello, Lewis." He gives him a long, leisurely look. "Saw you leaving, so I thought I would too. And — I say this with all the love in my heart, but you look like shit."

Lewis laughs at that. "I know," he says. "One of the pins in the outfit came loose, I tried to fix it in the bathroom, but I think I made it worse, man. And I'm cold."

"Well, I can help with one of those things," Valtteri says, and before Lewis can process it, he's taking off his suit jacket and draping it over Lewis's shoulders. "There. Better?"

"Oh." It's warm. It also smells really nice. "Yeah," he says, unfolding one arm so he can wrap the jacket closed. "Thanks."

"No problem, Lewis." Valtteri smiles, and then gives him another long look, his eyes stopping at the collar of Lewis's shirt where the material is gathered untidily near his chest, pinned badly by Lewis in an attempt to fix it. "That, I cannot help with though," he adds, and the darkness in his eyes makes Lewis shiver a little.

"No?" he says, almost without thinking. "You sure?"

Valtteri looks up at him, surprised.

"I mean, it's a very loose pin," Lewis says, and now his heart is beating loudly, blood rushing in his ears. "Could come off easily."

Valtteri's eyes slip down to it, and then back up to Lewis. "It could," he agrees. "Maybe we should... take a closer look. See if anything can be done."

"We should," Lewis says, and now his body is so hot he cannot imagine he had been freezing a minute ago. "Bathroom's over there."

last song: bad at love by halsey

last book: im currently illiterate. open to recommendations tho. (especially anything under 200 pages cuz im either busy or half-dead)

last movie: nosferatu, and it was so sad :(

last show: the normal brothers show, of course. i'm pushing through s12 and the only thing helping is the randomness of my brain shipping dean and mr. ketch 💀

last thing i searched: sheila o'malley supernatural

favorite color: crimson, emerald green, black, beige, so on.

sweet/savory/spicy: spicy!

relationship status: single

looking forward to: getting back on my feet after a career setback, getting my damn driving license, going to syria.

current obsession: supernatural, writing, and music (always)

last one :P

everything <3

feel like he’d have one (1) singular appointment that sam made for him . and he’d also cancel that

Amused by you thinking this is a simple ask for me. I have so many thoughts and feelings about this topic and the various fic ideas to prove it. The answers to these questions vary based on what era we’re dealing with, what is the situation with Sam in that era, are there any pressing issues that need to be dealt with, and so on. SO MANY VARIABLES. 

Answering broadly, I think if they are in a good place emotionally and physically—bunker era mostly, but S11 and S12 especially—it would be hard to think up reasons for not keeping the baby. I think they are both a little unhinged and both would want to have a kid, even if it is an incest baby with possible genetic issues, or even weird magical baby because of their bloodline, and also possibly something their enemies could target. They have a stable home, albeit a weird one, which has created stability in their own lives, and they’re very much in their “we’re married brothers and committed to each other monogamously” era, so the arguments against keeping the baby become fewer and fewer, so it’s very easy for Dean to allow himself to have hope and go through with it. Sam would be very on board and very excited and attentive, but I think he would try and keep his enthusiasm under wraps a bit to cautiously suss out how Dean is feeling. Dean would be caught between a feeling of elation and absolutely terrified of what he is deciding to do, and constantly flip-flop between those emotions throughout the pregnancy. 

But on the opposite end of the spectrum, I think Dean getting pregnant in fraught time periods where their relationship is shaky also has the effect of fixing them. I am especially fond of it happening S4 and it derailing Ruby’s manipulations of Sam because he’s suddenly laser focused on Dean and both of them being hard to manipulate because they’re in their own little bubble (but I do think they end up killing Lilith and starting the apocalypse anyway, but more of a team effort because 1) Lilith is a threat and 2) they don’t know she’s the key to opening the cage). A pregnancy there has the added benefit of fixing some of their emotional issues because dean is constantly afraid that Sam just doesn’t want him around anymore and finds him useless and thinks he is damaged goods, while on the other hand it returns Sam’s focus back to the Dean who is in front of him, not the Dean he failed to save. During this era, I think Dean knows this is nuts and not a smart move at all, but he can’t let go of the smug satisfaction that at least he can do this still. 

Or on the flipside, a S9 pregnancy would be fascinating to deal with because of the messy emotions circulating that season, especially if it happens after Dean takes on the mark. They would both be in the middle of their cold emotional war, but this thing they’ve both secretly been wanting to happen for years—happens. I don’t think it’s an easy bandaid for their relationship and there would be a lot of snide comments and threats of abortion, but I think it would soften Sam faster to Dean than it takes in canon, and he wouldn’t help wanting to take care of him i.e. all the times he’s protective of him and saves him in S9 despite saying if the situations were reversed, he wouldn’t save Dean. I think Dean keeping the baby is interesting because I think it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense due to the situation, but oh, emotionally it makes sense. He wants to hold onto this thing that keeps making Sam pay attention to him and be kinder to him, but also he desperately wants to fix what was broken and while a baby is a terrible solution, it’s the only card he has to play at that moment. 

Dean choosing abortion would be a solo decision for the most part, which would happen during very dire circumstances and often a thing he would keep from Sam because telling Sam makes it very real and makes him reconsider everything. If he found out he was pregnant during S5, he would probably quietly take care of it (if it was post-S5, he would keep it as a “something to remember you by” trope) and never tell Sam what happened. I think miscarriages are more likely because they live a rough life and also they have a disdain for condoms and I doubt Dean is consistent with suppressants and/or birth control. I am also particularly enamoured with the idea of them having to make the hard decision to abort together because of timing not being right and Sam supporting Dean through the process.