#thataspdfeel

ok well there’s a difference between the tragic story example you gave and being a bad person, in my opinion

i don’t care what happens to other people. genuinely. i understand there are always going to be homeless people and they’re always going to suffer. but just because i don’t personally care if someone else is starving doesn’t give me an excuse to be neutral, or god forbid, kick these people while they’re down

they’re human just as much as i am and deserving of dignity so it’s my duty to promote those donation posts, to give money where i can, to hand a homeless person some water or my own burger. i can find another meal. fuck, i can eat ramen if i absolutely have to. but there people may not be able to do that and they deserve kindness

like i may not cry or feel anything when i see human suffering or hear about tragedy, but that’s one thing. it’s not acting “edgy” at all. it’s just the reality of things. what’s “edgy” is when you turn your “i don’t care” into “it’s not my fault i’m punching you because i have a disorder” that it becomes an excuse to be a bad person. you’re not taking responsibility for your actions

frankly, so far as morality goes, personal motivation doesn’t exactly matter or at least not nearly as much as people think it does. i’m personally motiated towards neutrality in all situations because i just don’t give a shit. jontron’s a white supremacist? doesn’t affect me so who cares, right? motivationally, it doesn’t matter either way if i continue to watch him or not

but, objectively, it does matter. even if i wasn’t queer, mentally ill, disabled, etc it does matter because it does effect other people. there are consequences to mortality even if the consequences aren’t my own. it doesn’t matter how it affects me. the end result is negative even if my actions were neutral

i mean i’m not saying motivation doesn’t matter at all. after all, it is much better to do good things with good intentions than bad things with good intentions. the end doesn’t justify the means, after all. but with your intentions neutral, or even leaning towards bad (ie hurting people because their reactions are funny or it’s just downright generally entertaining) the action itself is what matters

this is what i mean when i say i don’t use my problems as excuses. i don’t force my trauma onto other people and i don’t blame my actions on my own issues. certainly they explain them but, at the end of the day, cool motive still murder

this is a really relatable mood. i didn’t really feel anything about the abuse my ex put me through until i was out of that relationship entirely

ok so alex and i have talked about my disorders and we’re pretty sure i have bpd and a conduct disorder as opposed to aspd like i was diagnosed. i’ve been debating about if i should continue this blog since i don’t necessarily have full-blown aspd myself but just the conduct disorder. but there isn’t really anybody on tumblr other than alex i’d trust with this blog because there are way too many Edgelord Pure Psychopath™ people floating around. y’all can draw blog names out of a hat and probably find one, frankly

that said, my wife is an empath and it’s absolutely debilitating for them. it’s kind of refreshing for them to be around me, someone who has no empathy because they’ll describe a problem or situation they’re having socially and i’ll respond in my usual way (fuck that guy, he’s a dick; i’m going to steal her kneecaps; why is that bothering you exactly?) and they’ll realize when they’ve been treated poorly versus when they’re overreacting to things and when they needs to disengage. instead of trying to process their emotions like somebody else with empathy and then “respond accordingly” ie filter it in a way i think would be best for them, they can tell from my blunt responses what the truth is by seeing the middle between their reaction and mine

alternatively, i’ll be bothered by something but not care enough to say or feel it’s not important and they’ll be able to tell and tease it out of me. i’ll also encounter a situation where i’m PRETTY SURE someone is treating me poorly, but won’t be sure due to autism or a slew of other issues, run it by them and they’ll be able to confirm or deny. or i’ll be having a tense situation with somebody, they’ll sense our emotions, see both sides, and mediate effectively. that tends to be more exhausting for them but like it’s a huge boon for the other people involved

this is a double-edged sword, however. i have SO MUCH TROUBLE filtering things to sound non antagonistic just because i’m very blunt about how i feel. i’ve been slowly working towards saying things like “i feel neglected lately so maybe we should spend some time together” rather than “i feel neglected when you don’t spend time with me” which places the blame on them for my own feelings “you need to spend more time with me” which doesn’t explain how i feel but commands a solution that, to my wife, feels like i’m just rudely demanding something of them

this has led to a LOT of fights especially recently after i moved in with them. part of it is indeed my own inability to communicate in a “polite” manner (which i’m working on with my therapist!) but part of it is their empath sensitivity feeling like i’m purposely attacking them whenever i try to bring up an issue. it’s a complex problem but because my wife can’t turn their empathy/sensitivity off, it’s up to me to make sure i’m communicating as effectively as possible in order to minimize conflict with each other and maximize effort towards a solution

so like, as far as my own experiences go, it’s both good and bad like most other things. if i’m not careful, i can be not just toxic but outright abusive if i’m not curtailing my own blutness and words. in turn, my wife can easily miscontrue how i feel and drive a wedge in our relationship. if we’re not very careful with how we interact with each other, our relationship can turn into a toxic waste dump of nuclear power

so far though, we’re both hyper aware of this as we’ve both been in abusive relationships. i myself have been both victim and abuser so i’m especially aware of how easily i can turn into something i don’t like. but we’ve known each other for almost 10 years now, and been together romantically for somewhere in the vicinity of almost half that. we’ve grown apart then back together again over the years. we’re imperfect individuals but our love has kept us going, cheesy as that sounds, it’s very much true

google was no help and i’ve had this ask for months trying to figure out the answer to this

i dont know that specific feel because i casually sleep around until i feel that kind of connection i need to date somebody cause im on the aro spectrum