This isn't a condemnation by any means, it's just that I feel I see a lot of online rhetoric that only encourages self-focused practice and leaves out the abundant joy of projecting those same schools of thought to others.

Do I mean to be evangelical about it? Not one bit. But if the entire basis of my magick is intention, I can pack intention everywhere else too.

All that takes is curiosity and a pause. Why do I want to do X, what is worth sacrificing for Y, will this matter to me in ten years or is Z more important to me and my core values?

_reflections on my beaten path_

Once again doing a diary-style blog for no reason other than it feels like when I play solo on an MMORPG (running around a vast world with other real humans doing their own things while I go about my business) and I'd like to shout into the void. I am well aware that the internet is forever, so I'm basically giving into part of the dilemma I'm about to dissect before I even look at it, but this is where I feel like rambling today.

I want to post about my practice, but I am terrified of being perceived. "Why not just do it in a physical diary?" one may ask, I just have no good answer. Maybe it's because my hands cramp up, or that I can't sit still for long enough, or that my handwriting can't keep up with my stream of thoughts. Plus I fear it's dangerous, especially now, to post about Pagan spirituality and religion online in general. But I have already done so for years and the folks who would care already have plenty of evidence to run with, so that shouldn't be my concern. Outside of that, if I only speak about these things with myself I fear creating an echo chamber where the only voices present are mine. I know no human is an island, not one of us holds all of the answers, especially not me. Then there is a fear of my path being debated, which should be a non-issue, no one is to walk it but me. Then I worry I am simply too unstructured to put it all into words. Maybe it is meant to be for me and no one else? Who knows.

But outside of this, if I am meant to find my place in the world, maybe this compass points inward.

I asked my uncle on a recent family trip what he thought of my feeling that I was constantly running at an invisible stone wall. He asked me, "What is inside of you that is getting in the way?" and I still have yet to find an answer.

Well, actually, I've found a myriad of answers, just no solutions, no tool or weapon to break through this wall. I have deep wounds from a past I fear separates me from the gods I love. I am weary of working, weary of searching. It feels like I've spawned in an unfamiliar forest, with a task to find an antidote to something, but no clues as to what I'm looking for, nor an idea to what exactly it is I need to heal. I can stare at these old wounds every day, but I still don't know what caused each of them, and how to care for them best. Hell, worse, I don't know if it matters.

The amount of answers I've found in this lifetime have been vast, but I've unravelled as many threads as I've woven. My hands are tired, and so is my mind. How am I so young and left feeling like I'm running out of thread? Am I just blind to it all?

My gods have not left me. I know that. But in all of these years I've yet to be consistent in my connections. I had excuses then, what now? Where do I go from here? Have I handled so much lack that I don't know how to hold on anymore? What do I do with the beginnings of abundance? How do I keep moving on? Where do I go from here?

_my thoughts on gods and doubt_

This definitely won't be comprehensive, just me starting a little blog journal of my thoughts. This topic is one that's very present for me now that I'm in my own space with time to think, and quite honestly is on my mind a lot, so I'm starting here. As I always feel a bit lost on the gods front.

Since I grew up in a cult-ish environment with an oppressive god that I tried so hard to believe in, I think it'll always be hard to wrap my head around deity work. I'm aware of this, and know that's my own road block to face. I absolutely love to hear other pagans speak about their super personified relationships with their deities! I think sometimes I try to mirror that in my speech too, but it's never really resonated for me.

For me, my relationships with the beyond have fallen past words, at least now that I've connected to what I feel are their sources instead of their ideas. Before I even started deity work, when I first started my path, I wanted to be a secular witch, because I was so far traumatized by the idea of having a "god." But then I "felt" them, and got curious. Then I started having dreams that eventually led to my meeting An Mórrígan, Helja, Venus, and who I call 'the Wilds,' over a span of many years. Through many of the dreams, things were impressed upon me that surpassed any human language I know of. But even just writing that out makes me feel kind of insane.

Maybe I'm gaslighting myself? I am quite the skeptic! But at my core, I do believe there's more than the physical world in front of me. Maybe I'm fucking off my rocker -- and I am, I don't put that past myself -- but I still haven't found the balance here for myself. I don't know how to fully incorporate this belief into my practice in a way that feels solid and consistent because I continue to have these doubts.

I'm also, completely open to the idea that it's something like a placebo. Maybe the gods that have chosen me are just personifications of different facets of myself. Maybe it's all just psychological and I find myself drawn to archetypes that help me better myself. Maybe I'm giving an old name to concepts and physical aspects of the world so that they're easier to digest and incorporate. Like if I were to honor a sun god, I would simply be acknowledging that the sun exists, and giving it reverence. But does that reverence really beg for me to name it? Why do I feel the need to name them? Because I often don't, that's why I ended up working with 'the Wilds,' because there is still something incredibly formless that sits beside my soul and helps me grow and break out of the confines I was steeped in in my youth and adolescence.

I guess the point of this entire blog is that I don't know who the gods are to me or how they fit into the fold of my perception of reality. To what degree am I leaning too far into "magical thinking" and losing touch with reality? As someone who's experienced an episode of minor psychosis, I'm scared to slip too far out of reality, and scared that my spirituality doesn't help. However, my spirituality is very important to me, and I don't see the harm in looking at life through a metaphysical lens. But then, I was never allowed to know a scientific reality in my youth, so am I still avoiding it? Where do these things mesh?

Maybe I just don't have it figured out. That's fine with me, because I know I never will in full. But I do want to find some explanation for myself as to why these things are hard for me to conceptualize. And maybe I don't need an explanation either, but I almost feel like I need a solid defense for myself, especially living in the South, where people get very in-your-face about religious beliefs. Hell, the reason I still lovingly cling to the term "Heathen" even when I've started following the Druid path more exclusively is because it's been used against me in a derogatory sense multiple times before, even by my own family (shocker, lol).

For now, I will still wake up and call out to Anmórheljave, and call to them before I sleep. I will still stand in the rain and call to the Wilds and ask them to stay with me. I will still talk to all of them through my days like a revered friend with more wisdom and experience than me. I will still set up altar spaces for them when I'm finally settled into my new house. I will still offer what I can to them. I will still request their aid. I will still love them.

And one way or another, I'll find the other side of these doubts. I can't wait for that day to come.

~ Wil ~