#tfat

u said too anon…which im assuming means the way i did richies which is my au!eddies not canon eddie (canon is pretty easy if u ask me) so thats what imma do…

biggest regret?

& That’s For All Timeeddie in &tfat has a fairly strong belief that things end up the way that they’re supposed to be. i don’t think he’d change anything, even if some of the stuff ends up hurting him. it’s all //supposed// to happen, to him. 

The Foundation of a Sphereeddie’s chapter is next and i don’t want to give much away but let’s just kind of say everything. he’d give anything for a chance to start over.

On Pointefucking!!! saying yes when stan reached out to him on facebook to room together. ((i’m kidding at this point in the story probably not that anymore)) Actually though … it’s probably not pushing his parents (yes. you heard my ass correctly) to let him start intensive training when he was 15 and do joffrey or some shit like that. or not working out his arms more in prep for pas de deux. 

A Brave New World Map

After a few weeks working on menu systems I decided to start work on building the world map. Its already looking good and starting to bring the game together.

We’ve known from the beginning that building the world map would be a massive task. This is because we don’t just want a simple menu type map that allows you to move between places, we want a fully interactive isometric world map that adds…

The old Toretto house held a lot of history-- and bringing Letty back into that, reintroducing her into their lives, made it inevitable to relive it all. The good, the bad and the unspoken.

// “We just,” Mia intervened sharply, “don’t talk about him.” Brian’s expression was even and dark. “Why not?” Dom breathed in a deep breath, releasing it through his mouth before looking Brian in the eye. “Xander died about twenty years ago.”

I wish I could stand on top of the highest building in Los Angeles while the sun is already down and the moon is starting to shine. I would sit on the edge and just stare at the beautiful moon for hours. Then I’d get up, turn around and place my feet on the edge.

I’d take a deep breath to enjoy the last bit of air that will be in my lungs, and I’d let myself fall backwards. At first I would panic, but then I know that my body will relax along with my mind.

On my last appointment with my therapist I made a huge mistake. I told not only him but mom about my mind deep inside. I told them that I want to hurt people, a lot of people, even innocents. I don’t know why, but one thing for sure I know is that I was fucking weak! Weak! That’s all I was! It was fucking pathetic and idiotic!

I hate myself even more now for that stupid fuckin’ mistake that easily could’ve been prevented. After that my mom took me to a parking lot by a local park. We spoke for a long time about my thoughts, I told her things that I didn’t even tell my therapist at the appointment. How I love blood, the heart of a human being pounding in fear, the look of fear in people’s eyes. She was surprised and said that I can change my ways, that the ‘devil’ is putting those things in my mind.

What she doesn’t know is that I’ve always had these thoughts, that I actually fucking tried my hardest to get rid of them and failed. It’s now apart of me, it’s who I am. Lately I’ve been wanting to pull my goddamn hair out because I need something to hurt. These strong urges make me feel like a fucking pathetic addicted freak.

I fucked up, real bad. I still can’t believe that I’m such a fucking idiot, fucking hell its rule number one to not tell anybody! And I managed to fuck that up!

I’m having an urge again, I thought I should write this down, I don’t know why. Right now I just want to slide a sharp blade across someone’s throat. The thought of it gives me satisfaction and power for some reason. Oh god, especially when the blood spills all over me, I get to smell and taste the nice metallic blood.

I had a serious conversation with my sister a few minutes ago. I told her about how I want to kill people, and torture people. She laughed, smiled even and started ‘playing’ along with me. I feel like she knows deep down that what I said is actually true but to distract herself from the truth she turns what I said into a joke.

She said that if I’m gonna kill, to kill baby rapists. And I’m completely okay with that. To be honest I think I’d kill anyone, and baby rapists and just rapists in general are a GREAT motive.

Sometimes I think about killing animals to ease my strong urges, to release it a little bit. But then killing animals isn’t a motive for me. I have no actual reason to kill an animal.

I wish I was dead, when I look at myself in the mirror, when I look deep into my eyes. I see evil, I don’t see anything good, but I always try to convince myself that I am a good person. I do good deeds, I take care of everyone and everything around me to let them know that I’m good. But still after all these years it still doesn’t change what I actually feel inside.

Inside, I know I’m no good, I’m not thoughtful or caring. I’m just a big mess, that’s all I am. A mess that can’t be organized. I think things that are very wrong, and the thing that irritates me the most is that I know what’s right from wrong, so I know that my thoughts and desires are wrong. I just, I don’t know anymore.

Should I just live the rest of my fucking life with these sick desires that haunt me everyday? Or should I actually take action and make these desires a reality? Deep down I know the answer, and I hate it. If I ever actually do take action, people will ask “Why’d you do it?”

And honestly, I don’t know what my response would be. I just want to destroy the world, I want to be so powerful so that no one can stop me. I want to be loved. But I know that in reality I can never have or do those things that I want the most. I constantly just live in my own sick twisted mind, I know for a fact that what I desire is wrong, but I can’t help it, I’ve always had these feelings. And I can’t get rid of em.

Am I a monster? Am I a freak? Because at this point I don’t know.