#textpo

Like Thor, Loki, Hala, Valkirie, Hulk... 

I hated change. I hated my family. I hated what I couldn't control.

I still have that voice in my head that seeks control and some days, it wins and I restrict for days on end. Some days, I let myself be gentle with my body and ate what I needed to. But even so, at the peripheral of it- I still hated myself the most.

So I began to change things I hated about myself. My butt, my chubby face, my tummy, my arms, my legs- literally anything I could change. I was on meds and that just made me feel so dead inside while my body fought to keep me alive. Some days I vomited bile after continuous fasting. I just really hated myself and that meant I was also highly suicidal. I wanted to make myself pay by suffering. Dying from an ED was the only ways I thought of.

The end goal wasn't even to stay thin. I was just destroying my body. The real symptom was how I've always felt about myself. I wanted to die so much to the point I completely let myself be destroyed from within. I feel so sick of myself and I'm not sure if this feeling would one day go away but it's the only way I know how to cope with my feelings. I just feel so big in a world that makes me feel so small. I just thought I should disappear.

I ran around the house and up and down the stairs. I felt so sick of myself. I wanted to out run a part of myself that feels sick. I breath so hard my lungs feel like it's burst. It can't keep up. And my heart beats so fast and i feel like, this is it. Maybe I'll die this way.