The message I never sent
Maybe if you ever want to give it another chance we can start again, from the beginning and maybe do it right this time with no hiding or secrets and no more mistakes. I took what I had for granted so many times simply because I didnāt think you would ever leave me because maybe after all the chances I gave you I thought youād return them when I fucked up too. But you didnāt, u let one drunken phrase end it all so just think; if that one thing wasnāt said, would we still be together? I know I have done so many fucked up things but I was always so confused as to where I stood with you but all I knew is i loved you and thatās why I never let other things escalate because all I wanted was you. When we first started talking honestly I was getting over someone else and talking to you helped heal that in a matter of days, I forgot about that boy so quickly because I had you, and when you kept on messaging me everyday I would buzz and be so excited and then when you asked to meet and we made this whole secret plan, no one had to say if they liked each other. I guess we just knew. I would wake up each day thinking of you, and fall asleep each night messaging you which is what hurts the most I think now, because now I fall asleep alone. Then the first time you ended it, I thought thatās what heartbreak was. I cried for a couple days and missed you and when you messaged me again all the feelings came back, but I wasnāt in that deep yet. I was getting there though, as soon as you wanted to talk to me again I didnāt give it a second thought. I was there. Then when people found out about us I was so happy to say that yes we are talking and that you were mine. Talking to you everyday just feels right, you were the first person that Iāve ever opened myself up this much and I canāt believe I still said some of the things I said, but when you said youāll love me no matter what it made me feel so much more secure and comfortable about myself. I feel safe around you I thought we were great together, I think I thought that because of how close we were friendship wise and I never want to lose that but I canāt just be friends with you, seeing a picture of you randomly fucking kills me, it hurts so much, but I donāt blame you for doing that, Iād leave me if I was you too. But this isnāt about how sad I am or about me because I know you hate it when Iām self centred. This is about you, how every time weād be arguing and id kiss you and youād think I only did it because I was lying but the truth is I hate arguing with you so kissing you was the only thing I could think of to do and maybe thatās what hurt me the most when we argued that last time. You wouldnāt let me kiss you. Itās kind of the same like when I rant about something or laugh too much or just talk endlessly about something pointless and youād kiss me to shut me up and suddenly I wouldnāt even care what I was talking about because kissing you was so much better than anything else. This is all messy but when I first came to the school how weird is it that I remember the very first time I saw you, I remember someone saying oh thatās the boy I like and I just laughed because I didnāt know you and your hair was long and I was being polite but I find it so weird that I really donāt remember the first time I saw anyone else but for some reason I remember you. Iām not saying that because I was in love with you since the second I saw you because I definitely wasnāt TRUST ME in fact I knew you didnāt like me until November time of 2015, thatās why I was shocked when you started messaging me because there was a dislike between us but they do say the line between love and hate is really thin :)X going back to when āweā were a secret and weād look at each other in lesson or in school and Iād just laugh or smile and my friends would ask me why Iām doing that and Iād just shake it off and say itās nothing and that Iām just happy or remembered something funny but those moments meant so much to me because even though I knew I couldnāt see you in school I knew you were there for me and it felt amazing to have you as my own little secret because then no one could get involved and ruin it. I would find it so funny how weād be talking for so long and Iād like you so much and have everything I want the whole time my friends would be asking why Iām not talking to someone and I donāt know I just guess I liked the thought of people thinking I donāt need a boy to be happy but at the same time I knew you were the reason I was happy. I donāt know what it is about you that just makes me love you even more every time I see you and I donāt see all the bad things you did to hurt me, I just see a boy Iām madly in love with but maybe when you see me you donāt see someone you love but you see someone whoās made a lot of mistakes and you canāt look past that. Which hurts a lot. But I canāt change the way you see me or your opinion of me which really sucksssss. But lol another thing that also fucks me up is that the first party I went to without u I literally didnāt even want to be there or drink, sure it distracted me for a bit and the vodka numbed me but I was just waiting for you to come and pour it away even though I barely drank. However when I miss you so much I want to do something I just think of prom and what was said Coz u wouldnāt say that to your bestfriend ever let alone someone you love and I know you werenāt the one that said it but you let your bezzies say it so idk I guess I wasnāt the only one being horrible all the time even though mine wasnāt intentional. But even though that happened I still love you and try to think of all the good which only makes me more sad but yk.
