#neversent

Sei felice?

Maybe if you ever want to give it another chance we can start again, from the beginning and maybe do it right this time with no hiding or secrets and no more mistakes. I took what I had for granted so many times simply because I didn’t think you would ever leave me because maybe after all the chances I gave you I thought you’d return them when I fucked up too. But you didn’t, u let one drunken phrase end it all so just think; if that one thing wasn’t said, would we still be together? I know I have done so many fucked up things but I was always so confused as to where I stood with you but all I knew is i loved you and that’s why I never let other things escalate because all I wanted was you. When we first started talking honestly I was getting over someone else and talking to you helped heal that in a matter of days, I forgot about that boy so quickly because I had you, and when you kept on messaging me everyday I would buzz and be so excited and then when you asked to meet and we made this whole secret plan, no one had to say if they liked each other. I guess we just knew. I would wake up each day thinking of you, and fall asleep each night messaging you which is what hurts the most I think now, because now I fall asleep alone. Then the first time you ended it, I thought that’s what heartbreak was. I cried for a couple days and missed you and when you messaged me again all the feelings came back, but I wasn’t in that deep yet. I was getting there though, as soon as you wanted to talk to me again I didn’t give it a second thought. I was there. Then when people found out about us I was so happy to say that yes we are talking and that you were mine. Talking to you everyday just feels right, you were the first person that I’ve ever opened myself up this much and I can’t believe I still said some of the things I said, but when you said you’ll love me no matter what it made me feel so much more secure and comfortable about myself. I feel safe around you I thought we were great together, I think I thought that because of how close we were friendship wise and I never want to lose that but I can’t just be friends with you, seeing a picture of you randomly fucking kills me, it hurts so much, but I don’t blame you for doing that, I’d leave me if I was you too. But this isn’t about how sad I am or about me because I know you hate it when I’m self centred. This is about you, how every time we’d be arguing and id kiss you and you’d think I only did it because I was lying but the truth is I hate arguing with you so kissing you was the only thing I could think of to do and maybe that’s what hurt me the most when we argued that last time. You wouldn’t let me kiss you. It’s kind of the same like when I rant about something or laugh too much or just talk endlessly about something pointless and you’d kiss me to shut me up and suddenly I wouldn’t even care what I was talking about because kissing you was so much better than anything else. This is all messy but when I first came to the school how weird is it that I remember the very first time I saw you, I remember someone saying oh that’s the boy I like and I just laughed because I didn’t know you and your hair was long and I was being polite but I find it so weird that I really don’t remember the first time I saw anyone else but for some reason I remember you. I’m not saying that because I was in love with you since the second I saw you because I definitely wasn’t TRUST ME in fact I knew you didn’t like me until November time of 2015, that’s why I was shocked when you started messaging me because there was a dislike between us but they do say the line between love and hate is really thin :)X going back to when ‘we’ were a secret and we’d look at each other in lesson or in school and I’d just laugh or smile and my friends would ask me why I’m doing that and I’d just shake it off and say it’s nothing and that I’m just happy or remembered something funny but those moments meant so much to me because even though I knew I couldn’t see you in school I knew you were there for me and it felt amazing to have you as my own little secret because then no one could get involved and ruin it. I would find it so funny how we’d be talking for so long and I’d like you so much and have everything I want the whole time my friends would be asking why I’m not talking to someone and I don’t know I just guess I liked the thought of people thinking I don’t need a boy to be happy but at the same time I knew you were the reason I was happy. I don’t know what it is about you that just makes me love you even more every time I see you and I don’t see all the bad things you did to hurt me, I just see a boy I’m madly in love with but maybe when you see me you don’t see someone you love but you see someone who’s made a lot of mistakes and you can’t look past that. Which hurts a lot. But I can’t change the way you see me or your opinion of me which really sucksssss. But lol another thing that also fucks me up is that the first party I went to without u I literally didn’t even want to be there or drink, sure it distracted me for a bit and the vodka numbed me but I was just waiting for you to come and pour it away even though I barely drank. However when I miss you so much I want to do something I just think of prom and what was said Coz u wouldn’t say that to your bestfriend ever let alone someone you love and I know you weren’t the one that said it but you let your bezzies say it so idk I guess I wasn’t the only one being horrible all the time even though mine wasn’t intentional. But even though that happened I still love you and try to think of all the good which only makes me more sad but yk.

-Barbara Vehabovic

what did i ever do to you

i can only hope your heart feels as light as mine

my lungs will fill and then deflate