#textforged

introductory thoughts

this fic is titled after a lyric in the song "Tape Song" by the kills.

pretty self-explanatory, right?

I started writing this fic because... well, that was 5 years ago and since then I've gotten a concussion at least once and my memory is kind of bad in general but I can still confidently say goro akechi is my favorite character in the world. a lot of post-vanilla fans might not completely understand the degree to which goro fans were imbibing copium before all the additional material royal gave us-- goro's story ended very ambiguously, and a lot of things about him and his relationship with Ren were left up to our little fujoshi imaginations to ruminate over and decipher. I couldn't help but want to give him a future in my own way.

I also really wanted to write a SUPER SLOW BURN LONG TERM YEARS-LONG EPIC AKESHU LOVE STORY!!! it ended up being a little different than what I envisioned lol but I think it's still true to my original aspiration, which was to create an intimate, realistic, friends-to-lovers dynamic between the two of them. I hope you enjoyed it...

one of my major influences was In Good Company by weialala. yes, it's a naruto fic, one that I've held dear for many many years. weialala's internal monologue for Sasuke and how she deals with questions about his life, as well as her take on Sasuke and Naruto's relationship, goes beyond Naruto canon in an incredible way that really influenced how I wrote Goro and the slow burn romance in this fic. I highly recommend checking the fic out if you're a naruto fan!! sorry if you're not and this revelation gave you psychic damage.

I outlined this fic pretty heavily, keeping a google doc with a timeline of events spanning the four years over which the story takes place. that didn't stop me from changing things and adding stuff up until the last minute, though. I also struggled to keep the timeline straight a lot because I made the questionable decision to start the fic two years after canon left off and I can be kind of dumb.

a look into my struggles/twisted mind. my outlines tend to be quite rough.

in the rest of this post I talk about several things in the fic, like Goro's disability and mental health, how Ren is portrayed, and the original characters, with some behind-the-scenes thoughts.

"redemption"

when it comes to characters who have Done Stuff Wrong, there is a lot of discourse to be had among fans about how they can Atone for their crimes. these arguments often touch a lot of nerves-- in my opinion, because our contributions to this discourse are influenced by how we think about crime and rehabilitation in the real world.

I live in a country where the carceral system is incredibly brutal and discriminatory, abuse of incarcerated people is routine, and the goal of incarceration is not rehabilitation but the infliction of suffering upon those deemed "criminals" by the state. this has shaped my beliefs about incarceration as a form of punishment. to put it simply, I am not a fan. and in a fictional context, I find the idea that a character in a work of fiction can "do their time" and have all their guilt and sin magically removed to be a cop-out.

this is just me and these are just my own thoughts of course. again, I think questions about crime and rehabilitation in fiction are influenced by our thoughts on these concepts in the real world. for that reason and many others this is quite a personal story that draws on my own personal philosophy in its telling (as half-baked as that philosophy may be bc im not a super genius who has all the answers). whether that is a flaw or a feature is up to you as a reader to decide.

in this fic I wanted to explore how to move forward after you have done something horrible. it was hard, because in this story and perhaps in life, there are no pretty answers and no perfect ways to make up for doing the things Goro did. I settled upon an "answer" that reflects one of my deeply-held beliefs: we do what we must after tragedy, and what we must do is move forward, rely on and be there for those we love, and try to do as much good as we can.

original characters

as stated in the tags of the fic, I wrote in OCs so goro could have actual relationships and friends. I tried to gift each one with their own unique personality and some depth! a lot of the OCs are women, maybe because I find it easier to write women lol. sometimes I feel like a lot of female OCs in fic can lean towards being misogynistic caricatures -- I'm not really blaming writers for this as much as I am blaming Society; fanfic deals in tropes and when you constantly see the trope of the bitchy secretary, the shallow seductress, etc. in the media you consume it becomes second nature to unconsciously replicate it, even if you identify as a woman. this is why IMO as a writer you need to make a conscious effort to do things differently (and read more books) although I'm sure there are a lot of ways I come up short...

one of my favorites is cleo which is funny because she only shows up for a handful of scenes in the last chapter lol, and maybe it's recency bias but I spent so long working on the last chapter she feels like my own child... I feel like her first name doesn't make sense for a Japanese-American person to have but I got attached to it lmao.

I actually do think I gave the Kato family too many problems, what with Kagami's illness and Taku's behavior -- I think I kinda reference this at one point by having Goro wonder what kind of a fucked up Dickensian family this is lol. I have some other self-critical thoughts on how I wrote them but I'll keep that to myself... still love them a lot though. I really enjoy messy but loving sibling relationships in fiction so I had to put one in here too.

(fun fact: like Goro, Taku was going to be Deaf, which is why Kagami comments that Goro is "like my brother" during her first appearance in chapter 1. when I decided to go another direction for Taku's character, I changed this to mean Goro and Taku have eyes that are the same color.)

shout out, also, to Hirakawa, who seems to be something of a fan favorite judging by the comments. she was a blast to write lol and I really love her relationship with Goro.

ren

I consider the Ren in this fic to be my Ultimate™ portrayal of him that is the closest to how I see him as a character. my most popular p5 work is The Next Time Around, an AU fic where Ren is an older adult that I wrote when I was a teenager (more than five years ago) (lol) (😔) and although I do have pride in/affection for that work and the Ren in it, he is a far cry from the way I imagine Ren today. (for one thing his name wasn't ren in that fic. lol)

being a silent protagonist, Ren is a tricky character to get right. I was very active in the p5 fandom space on social media for several years before I basically completely stopped paying attention to it, but like many others, in those early days I absorbed parts of others' portrayals of Ren into my own. I actually think that's quite a lovely thing about silent protagonists-- everyone in a fandom space kind of works to build the character together. yes, sometimes the portrayals that attain the most popularity are flattening or flanderizing, but ultimately, it's kind of fun to build a Frankenprotagonist. until you're writing a fic which prompts you to really sit down and think about what a true-to-canon portrayal looks like and how to make it also true to Yourself and what you really believe the character to be. (it's hard)

in Steal Ahead, Ren is superstitious and avoidant and quite bad at expressing his feelings. he's a charismatic anti-authoritarian, a middle child, and a neat freak with a strong, stubborn sense of justice. he's full of contradictions and flaws, and he's healing in his own way from the events of p5 proper, struggling with returning to a mundane life when for a short, glorious while, he was extraordinary. (hence the shoplifting subplot in chapter 2. fun fact -- that was originally supposed to be smoking but then I decided to change it. I forget why but I'm sure I had a good reason, probably. don't smoke, kids! or shoplift if you think you might get caught. kidding etc)

Ren argues and bickers with Goro quite a bit in this fic which I enjoyed writing. though they share many similarities, they're very different people -- I thought it would be only natural for them to clash sometimes, though they always come back to each other.

this Frankenren is composed of a bunch of headcanons, a lot of which were influenced by/shamelessly stolen from friends. I love him very much. thanks to everyone who helped me build my Ren along the way!

disability

goro has a disability in this fic-- single-sided deafness-- which I included because I felt it was unrealistic for him to have escaped from the engine room with no lasting consequences. I was pretty conscious of portraying it respectfully and realistically so I did my research on the condition. this source was helpful as a personal testimonial from someone who has this condition about how it affects their life.

by the way, goro's hearing aid in this fic is a CROS hearing aid, which is designed specifically for people with single-sided deafness.

one of my favorite moments in the fic is the brief conversation Goro and Ryuji have about their respective disabilities in chapter 2 -- it's short, because I didn't think either of them would really be enthusiastic about opening up to each other at that point lol, but it's nice.

I welcome criticism of how I handled this part of the fic from anyone in the Deaf community -- I'm not perfect and don't have firsthand knowledge.

mental health

obviously goro is not doing great mentally in this fic for many reasons. I have written a lot of goro-centric fics, but this one required really tapping into the headspace of a flawed person who has been traumatized & manipulated and is dealing with immense depression and guilt while recovering. like many (most?) writers I draw from my own past experiences and emotions while writing, which made this a particularly taxing fic to work on, and is definitely one of the reasons it took so long to finish 🥲

other than that I'd say one of the most difficult things was being realistic while avoiding melodrama, and portraying a real story of recovery/imparting positive messages without being too cheesy, which made some of the self-help book sections hard to write.

if you relate to goro's depressive thoughts in this fic, I hope it can be an affirming story for you. I also hope you're taking the time to reach out to people who can support you and practicing self-care.

the ending

I actually don't have a ton to say about the ending because I'd like to leave it up to interpretation. however, I will say that the ending is not the original one I had in mind when I started the fic. I'm not sure how people will react to it (if you've been following this fic maybe you'll just be happy it got an ending at all LOL) but I hope it didn't feel like it came out of nowhere.

concluding thoughts

compared to my other p5 works, this one isn't as popular even though I do consider it my best, which I will admit is disheartening. the release of p5 royal also created a new canon in which this fic does not take place, which I imagine certainly doesn't help. despite this, I got some lovely long, thoughtful comments and even occasionally saw people on social media discussing how they enjoyed this fic despite it being unfinished, which always made me super emotional. trust me, in those 4 years that this fic was lying dormant, each new comment motivated me to crack open the Google doc again and ultimately finish this work. let this be a testament to the power of comments and the ubiquitous egotism of fic writers. or writers in general, actually. thank you so much for your kindness!

if you actually read all of this, thank you again! I do like talking about this fic so feel free to ask questions or give feedback via my ask box, retrospring (linked on twitter) or ao3 comments.

The book was older than the texts Mitile was used to -- a cloud of dust even rose up from the pages when he opened it for the first time -- but it wasn't long before it began to demonstrate its value. It listed uses for common herbs he'd never even heard of before, and contained a lot of detailed information about plants in Central Country to boot.  

Happy with his gift, Mitile continued to read it over the next few weeks, even at dinner and when he was supposed to be asleep. One night, he was reading a chapter near the end of the book when a small piece of paper fell out from between two pages. Upon closer inspection, it had writing on it.

Surprised, Mitile scanned the note, bringing it close to the candlelight he was using to read. Eventually, he gathered that it was a list of potential medicinal uses for a certain plant found in Central Country. The focus seemed to be on small wounds, and how to heal them quickly during battle.

Battle? Mitile did a double take. It was strange that Faust would be writing notes like this -- but the paper did seem pretty old. Maybe someone else had written it. In any case, Mitile thought that having more first-aid materials on hand would be massively useful to the Sage's wizards. Resolving to investigate the next morning, he went to sleep.

---

"Mitile! Mitile, what happened?"

Faust had just left his room and was on his way to the kitchen when Rutile's voice, sounding distressed, gave him pause. He turned sharply in the direction of the sound. Sensing Rutile's presence from near the dining hall, he made his way over. 

Just outside the dining hall, he found Rutile supporting a pale-faced Mitile.

"I'm fine," Mitile was saying weakly. "Really, I'm..."

Cain was standing nearby, looking as if he'd just gotten there himself. Faust approached him, speaking in a low voice. "What happened?"

"Looks like Mitile pricked his finger on some kind of poisonous plant. Rutile's doing healing magic, but the poison is strong..." Cain shrugged helplessly. "Doctor Figaro's back in Southern Country right now, too."

Faust nodded and approached the two brothers. He leaned down. "Mitile," he said. "Can you tell me which plant you were handling when you got hurt?"

"It was..." Mitile took a breath. "The note didn't say the name, but... The flower was purple and had three petals..." He coughed.

"That's okay, Mitile," Faust said. "Don't talk anymore." He looked up at Rutile. "Do you know what he means by a note?"

"He said it was in the book you gave him-- it's over there." Rutile's face was tight with worry. "Mitile, you should have been more careful! Here, eat this sugar." 

He helped guide a piece of sugar into Mitile's mouth, and then turned back to Faust again, looking helpless. "Mr. Faust, I don't think healing magic is going to work for much longer. We need--"

"An antidote," Faust said. He had already found and read the note while Rutile was feeding Mitile the sugar. "I'll go assemble it immediately."

---

"Mr. Faust, thank you so much!" Rutile was looking at Faust with gratitude in his eyes. 

The antidote had been made and administered, and Mitile was regaining his usual color. A few of the other wizards were hanging around, having been drawn to the area by the commotion, Heath and Shino among them. Heath was fussing over Mitile, while Shino hung back, observing the scene.

Faust allowed himself to breathe a sigh of relief. He gave Rutile a hesitant smile. "It's no problem. It was my fault. The note was in the book I gave Mitile. I'm truly sorry."

He had never expected something from his past to remain in a book like that. A stinging feeling of bitterness and regret overcame him. Battle medicine wasn't an advanced use of magical herbs, but it was still above Mitile's level. Because of his negligence, Mitile had gotten hurt. Why was he always--

Suddenly, Rutile barreled towards Faust. Before he could react, Rutile wrapped his arms around him, giving him a firm hug.

The chatter in the room ceased. Faust froze. Over Rutile's shoulder, he could see the other wizards looking at them, their eyes nearly boggling out of their heads.

"Wow," he could hear Cain whisper. "Someone's hugging Faust."

Rutile was oblivious to their reactions. He pulled back, his eyes slightly teary. "Mr. Faust, it's not your fault at all! Mitile isn't used to handling Central plants, and he should have asked you before attempting anything he wasn't familiar with. Ever since the mana stone incident, I've been so rattled, so I was terrified, but you saved him-- I'm truly grateful!"

Faust felt his face heat up. "I'm... it was nothing. Er. You're very welcome." He composed himself, ignored the other wizards' stares, and nodded at Mitile. "You're feeling all right?"

"Yes! Um..." Mitile looked at his brother. "Should I hug Mr. Faust, too?"

"That won't be necessary," Faust said quickly. "I'll be going back to my room. Thank you." 

Then he left, resolving to spend the rest of the day without seeing a single soul. That had been enough excitement for one afternoon. 

---

Faust's next lesson with the Eastern wizards was the day after. He'd prepared a quiz, and Shino was the first to finish.

Faust nodded at him when he trudged up to Faust's desk. "Good job."

"Thanks," Shino said. Then he stopped and stared at him.

Faust started to feel self-conscious. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Shino stepped closer. All of a sudden, he was hugging Faust, leaning into him in the same way Rutile had the previous day. 

"What the-- hey!" Faust broke free of his grip. "What are you doing?!"

Shino shrugged. "Just wanted to try it." And with that, he walked back to his seat as if nothing had happened. 

"Shino!" Heath hissed, looking mortified. 

"Huh," Nero said. "I kind of want to give Teach a hug, now, too." Upon seeing Faust's face, he quickly added, "Just joking."

"Well... Rutile did make it look kind of nice yesterday," Heath said. 

"Have you all gone insane?!" Faust sputtered.

---

In the end, Faust didn't show up to dinner for the next three days. 

"Reverted to his old shut-in habits," Figaro said. "It's all Rutile's fault, really."

"Don't say that!" said Rutile. "I'm sure he'll come out again..."

Iori was definitely sure that this was one of the bad weeks. Right now Kujo was at the IDOLiSH7 dorm along with the rest of TRIGGER, but instead of fawning over his twin, Riku was sitting next to Iori, looking at him from across the room. Irritation was plain on his face.

Meanwhile, Kujo was carrying on a conversation with Yotsuba-- well, it seemed more like Yotsuba was talking and Kujo was humoring him. He had a relaxed expression on his face and a look Iori might have even called gentle, if it had been anyone but Kujo. When Yotsuba shifted closer to him, leaning over to show Kujo something on his phone, Kujo didn't even back away.

Riku sighed loudly.

"You know," Iori said, "you're really not cute when you're moping over Kujo."

"What'd you say?" Riku said, eyebrows shooting up.

"Nothing."

"By the way, I'm not moping!"

"So you did hear what I said."

"It's just that Tenn-nii is such a jerk," Riku huffed. "We were guests on the same talk show a few days ago, you know, and he didn't acknowledge me at all!"

"Maybe Kujo-san was just behaving as was appropriate for the setting. He is a professional, after all, and you two were working."

"You think so...? But we aren't at work now, and you know what he said to me as soon as TRIGGER got here? I said hi, Tenn-nii, and he said--" Riku puffed up his chest, looking outraged-- "that I was coming too close to slipping up in public, and until I could stop calling him nii-san in public, I should stop doing it in private, too! Isn't that just so rude!"

"You called him Tenn-nii at the talk show taping, didn't you," Iori said.

Riku flushed. "Only once!"

The sound of Yotsuba's boisterous laugh distracted Iori. He looked over to see Yotsuba still huddled close to Kujo.

"See, see, it's fun, right?" Yotsuba was saying. "Doesn't it make you want to play, too?"

"I don't really know how to play mobile games," Kujo said mildly, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear.

"So? I'll just teach you. Then we can play together, even when we can't meet up in person."

"That does sound fun," Kujo said softly.

Iori couldn't believe his eyes. Perhaps Kujo had been switched with a clone.

"Right? And you'd help me with items, too, yeah? And with refilling my life bar?"

This was it. Iori was convinced. Kujo was definitely going to hit Yotsuba with one of his trademark biting comments now.

Kujo smiled. "Sure."

...Unbelievable.

"Great!" Yotsuba beamed at him. "You're the best, Tenten!"

"Tenten..." Riku leaned back in his chair and sighed. "I can't even call him Tenn-nii when we're alone, but he lets Tamaki call him by a nickname like that? He's never that lenient with anyone! I really don't get him at all."

Iori was still watching Yotsuba and Kujo when Yotsuba slung an arm around Kujo's shoulder. For a second, Kujo looked startled, but then he seemed to accept it. As he lowered his eyes, Iori thought he could see a hint of red on his cheeks.

"Oh," Iori murmured. "That's why."

"Huh? What? What is it?" Riku asked him.