#tenpoints

And how he got there.  

All right so here is a little back story for you guys. 

I live with my husband and daughter in a modest house on a rather large plot of land, with a really big fishing pond and a mini orchard. I have a cockerspaniel named Toby and a chinchilla named Djinn.  My husband is a firefighter, I am an actress, and my daughter is a full time Baby Tank.

We have been unable to mow the yard for about two weeks now because the lawn mower is busted so we have grass tall enough to reach our knees. 

on to the story,

Its late, about 1930, and its time to bring Toby back inside. I walk out into the front yard and leave the door open so I can hear my daughter who is in bed sleeping.  Call for him and of course he is no where in sight (probably at the neighbors with their ugly boxer dog). I look around and enjoy the cool air before turning around and going back inside and shutting the door behind me.

I dump laundry on the couch and start to fold. When I lean down to put the first shirt of the coffee table I notice movement out of the corner of my eye.  I bend down to look closer and had a moment of confusion staring at a small mass of tan and brown before 

"HOLY FUCK A FUCKING SNAKE"

and promptly jump onto the couch like a idiot. My heart is beating a mile a minute and I watch it (lets name him Bandit), half expecting Bandit to bare his fangs and attack. He doesn't. He just lays there under the small table looking rather bored. Doesn't move when I get off the couch and lean closer.

I have little experience with snakes despite my fondness for them but growing up in the south, you learn to take notice of the shape of the head.  Small ovals are "generally" ok. Flat diamonds are NEVER ok.  well this fucker had a small diamond so my ass wasn't taking chances.

"FUCKFUCKFUCK....What the fuck do I do?!"

I grab the empty purple laundry basket and hold it between Bandit and myself like a shield.  Very tempted to just cover Bandit with it, like a spider with a cup, but thankfully my better judgement kicks in and realize I would have no way of actually catching and handling Bandit.  Keeping the basket between us, I back up and think

"............What the fuck would Steve Irwin do???(python episode plays in my head)....GET A STICK!"

I got back on the couch and basically played "Floor is Lava" to get across the living room and back out the front door.  Looked around the branches of my mother-n-law's beloved magnolia tree and broke off a branch that seemed long enough to be a safe distance and had a tri-fork at the end. Ran back inside, my heart is racing, almost praying Bandit stayed in his spot.

Of course the fucker did.

I grab the basket again and like a valiant knight in the tales of old, I advance on Bored Bandit. My first attempt to pin his head only managed on pissing him off, making him hide under the edge of the couch, and make me jump half way down the hallway.  

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM PISSING OFF A SNAKE. WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS ONLY HAPPEN WHEN FOX IS FUCKING GONE?!"

After getting my heart to slow down, I broke off the tri-fork so the "legs" were a lot shorter and tried again.  It wasn't quite close enough to Bandit's head so he could still whip around to bite at the stick. That was when I saw his fangs and realized how right my original assumption of venom was.  Still didn't know what species of snake he was but now I KNEW he was dangerous, it was even more important to get him OUT of my house.  

Stupidly I released my hold on him with the stick and he slithered angrily over to the door way between the living room and dining room.

"Why the fuck cant your slither your ass out the FRONT door?! FUCK."

Shorten the fork once more and climb onto the couch to create more distance. Generally snakes that have fangs also have a pretty good bite radius that they can reach.  I pin him right behind the eyes and his tail goes batshit crazy.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?! FUCK NOW I HAVE TO PICK HIM UP!"

Because that was part two of my plan. Part one was to pin him and immobilize him. Part two was to get positive control over him. Except the only way I could think of was to physically pick him up.  Don't get me wrong. I LOVE snakes and have handled various kinds on numerous occasions but those were non venomous and in a controlled, non-lethal setting. I have a very healthy respect of snakes and I know the risks they carry. The idea of picking up an unidentified but definitely dangerous snake was not a pleasant one. 

It took about two minutes to get my hands to stop shaking enough before I attempted to pick up Bandit. Believe me when I say two minutes felt like a lifetime.  I put a bit more pressure on the stick to make sure Bandit was secure to the floor, that pissed him off further, and firmly grabbed his neck right behind the stick. I lifted Bandit up, still keeping the stick where it was to further immobilize his head.

That were I got stuck on Part three of my plan: confine/restrict the snake.  I hadn't quite thought this part out yet. I looked around the living room, Bandit in one hand, stick in the other.

"OOOOHHHHH FUCK. OH! Boxes! Fox hasn't burned the boxes yet!"

After about a minute of convincing my self Bandits head was secure, I put down my stick and sifted through the boxes we had just recently unpacked.  I found a medium sized one that once held six wine glasses. Bottom was secure and the top closed easily. Perfect! I slowly lower Bandit in to the box, tail first. That's when I really noticed how long he was, about the length of my arm (roughly three feet).  When his head was the only thing out of the box, I start to close the lid and slide my fingers out at the last second.  Part three complete! 

"Fuck yea! snake in a box!....oh fuck I have a snake in a box...."

So what does any sane woman do when they have a venomous cold blooded creature trapped in a box? well normally call 911 but as I'm sure you noticed by now, Im not the brightest bulb in the box. I call my husband, who has 0 chance of actually coming home to save me.

"Hi handsome....so you probably didnt marry the brightest woman alive...well you see I have a snake in a box....yes I put it there....it was in the house!.....tape it shut? that's actually a pretty smart idea hang  on....ok, so *recounts whole story*....call 911? do i have to pay for that? ...but what if they kill it?!.....ok fine. thank you!"

and I call 911 and they patch me through to the sheriff who dispatches animal control. Very nice and polite people. I sit on the computer while I wait and chat with my husband and friends about this whole fiasco.  Bandit slithers in his box and he starts to grow on me. sadly Fox said I couldn't keep him. But I used the 15 minutes to look up what kind of snake Bandit is. Tan body with large brown spots on his side, three feet in length, small flat head. 

This fucker is a copperhead. Not lethal but bad enough to ruin your month if bitten.

Cop/animal control finally arrives and I go to the door with my box. Open the door and this was our conversation

"Good evening ma'am, you have a snake?"

"yup! I have a snake in a box!" lifts box.

Rather taken aback "you have a snake in a BOX."

"yup!"

"what kind of snake?" he still seemed rather surprised at the box.

"a very pissed off copperhead according to Google."

"you have a copperhead in a box" and the cop is still not over the box.

"yes. i put him there"

"you trapped a snake...a copperhead in a box."

"yes. I picked him up and put him there."

"Is it taped?"

"across the lid, over the top, and across the bottom just in case."

"alright. ill take care of it for you" takes box and holds at arms length the entire walk back to his car.

And now ladies and tumblrmen, I am sitting down writing this out. Because I still can't believe it happened.