#ted t

Ted T. is a well known producer in Christian music. He has worked with a number of artists and produced people like Rebecca St James and Britt Nicole. Recently he worked with For King and Country. Ironically, Ted and I had not worked together all these years even though we are both in the Christian music industry.

A while back I watched a Brene Brown Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability and it overwhelmed me with the concept of creating strength through expressing ones most vulnerable moments. For the longest time, I had always assumed being vulnerable was a sign of weakness. And with my Charles Darwin Inspired Pick up Artist training, being smart, sexy, and dominate were the key ingredients in dating. Vulnerability and expressing emotion would only be reserved for funerals and national elections when people would notice if you were emotionless.

But then I met an incredibly great guy, the rare legitimate few that actually has a soul and isn't just trying to sleep with you, and for the first time, I noticed myself becoming vulnerable. It's incredibly hard for me to open up and be completely honest. I believe in morals and try to avoid bold face lies, but more times than not it's the absence of communication and transparency that casts the largest shadows of betrayal, lies, and separation. As Frank Warren of Post Secret fame would say there are two types of lies, those we keep from other people and those we keep from ourselves. So, this is me taking a massive leap and opening up, revealing all the indiscretions, unspoken realities, and inner workings of the insanely beautiful mind, soul, and body I posses.

And the crazy part (not crazy I'm a stalker, more crazy in a light carefree kind of way) is that the more I shared and opened up the closer the connection and bond (from my point at least) became. In most things I like to keep my distance, but I was finding myself being a human. Maybe I was happy, maybe it was a relief of not have to try to be so damn perfect all the time, but something in this process worked.

And then things didn't quite work out. Sometimes Prince Charming makes a pit stop in the wrong fairy tale. It doesn't mean your not a Princess or that he's an insanely large jerk, it just is what it is.

So the normal rational emotion is that "I was vulnerable, I opened up, we created a connection and now I feel pain." There is a void because you opened up the emotional safe box and now he left with 1/2 the precious jewels, several trade secrets, and the deeds to your heart and soul. So the next guy that comes along, who probably is a pretty awesome guy, gets shut out. There is no desire to retell all the stories and bond over your vulnerability. It's just something to kill the time. Better than being alone right? Who knows, unfortunately I personally knew that if I got into a habit of building barriers, allowing secrets and lies, the relationship would be more detrimental than beneficial to both of us.

So once again I stubbed toes and was back to being single, nothing like burying yourself in worked and listening to Alanis Morisset to fill the void. (Just kidding I actually prefer Bright Eyes). So I figured, avoiding boys in general would be the best strategy for 2011.

And then a recent encounter slightly deflated my ego. Once again a rush of insecurity and self doubt welled up inside me. It felt horrible! What the shit? How am I so anxious about a boy I haven't seen in almost 1/2 a year! What is this emotional attachment I thought I had dropped off in my rebound's bed? (I mean the entire concept of rebound was completely ruined for me.) And then I realized, maybe once you become vulnerable to a person no matter how hard you try to build barriers and pretend they mean nothing to you, they still do. And so the pain that follows is a result of actually feeling something to begin with.

But the real light bulb "Eureka" moment came when I realized that the only way I'm really ever going to be okay and move on is if I go closer to the pain and further away from the apathy. So this is me, letting down my shield as I realize that I am fully worthy and capable of love, its just going to take letting the right person in. I got it right the first time, it just wasn't the right time, so next time I'm going to fight against my habits of isolation and share who I really am, maybe this time we'll both find what we need in each other.