#teamhotmess

‘Baby I know that it’s real’ - ‘A Gift from Virgo’ by Beyoncé from the album ‘Dangerously in Love’.

Aloha lady friends!

Welcome to 2016 edition of the 52 Shades of Jai. 2015 did not prove to be the most successful year of blogging, which is fine, you win some, you lose some.

How does it go? - ‘It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you pick yourself up’.

Whatever, that is sufficient, you get the idea. I sucked last year, this year I am back with a vengeance and I’ll endeavour to be better.

So I have the day off today, I am in the bathroom shaving my legs in the middle of Winter (still irresponsible) and what better time to get back on the blog bandwagon!

Razor in one hand, half shaved leg in the other, broken iPad blaring 80’s extravaganzas on the bathroom sink, let’s party.

So what do I write about? There is no use trying to recap the last year, I am not interested in looking back and also there is a very high chance that I have forgotten a large majority of what has happened, but I do have a memory that keeps popping into my head about something great. THE ZODIAC.

My relationship with astrology begins in a very unlikely place and actually has a very ridiculous story. Let’s reminisce, shall we?

It is 2003 and I am operating at my goal weight of 23 kgs, my hair is a disgusting undercut like the creepy man from Charlie’s Angels, I haven’t yet learned that the tighter your school uniform is, the more attention you will receive and I have an unhealthy obsession with Beyoncé, who has just gone solo and released ‘Crazy in Love’.

I love that song. Great memories.

That is a story for another time however haha!

Anyway, the scene is set. There I am, toasting marshmallows on a bunsen burner in my Year 10 science class, wishing that it would end so I can go back to practicing my dancing, completely unaware of the entertainment symbol and icon that I would become over the next few years, when I am called over by Mrs Jenkins, my teacher.

(I cannot recall the exact words of the conversation, because I don’t know how people spoke back then in the olden days, so here it is, translated into 2016 English)

Mrs J: ‘Hey girlfriend, I need to talk to you about your homework assignments’

Me: ‘Oh no, am I a hot mess? I’m sorry but plants are just not my thing baby girl’

Mrs J: 'Sister, I don’t want to crush your mad flow, but science ain’t your thang and you're basically going to be at the bottom of the billboard 100 if you keep this up’

Me: 'Death’

To summarise this literature masterpiece, I was going to fail science unless I picked up my game.

Me, being from the same Hollywood starlet vein as Lindsay Lohan, decided that I would not go down without a fight or an ankle bracelet. I was going to write the best science assignment ever, win an oscar or whatever you win from getting A’s in science and live my life as the revered queen of Scientology.

Wait, that’s wrong isn’t it. Anyway, you get the point, I was on a mission.

I thanked Mrs J for her feedback, snatched my assignment page off the desk and then in my head the blaring horn introduction hook of 'Crazy in Love’ started playing and I stomped out of my science class, smashed a locker door on someone, kicked over a rubbish bin, set off the fire alarms and danced a solo in the sprinklers. No, that didn’t happen, but this story would be so much more fun if it did.

Okay, so I went home and glanced at my assignment pages, my redeeming science project was going to be all about 'ASTROLOGY’.

Wonderful, Astrology. I love reading those in my Mothers gossip magazines. What a fun science assignment. I love science. This is gonna be great.

I threw myself into my work with reckless abandon. I learned how I was a Virgo, 6th House of the Zodiac, represented by the wheat harvesting woman. Proper, intellectual, feminine, rational, seductive, hard working. Yassss. All the treats.

I read my mothers magazine for inspiration.

Virgo - Your stars indicate success in the coming weeks.

Damn right Woman’s Weekly, SUCCESS.

The next week I showed up to Science class with my five page assignment on Astrology, complete with glorious cover page, hand coloured with my Faber-Castell colouring pencils and prepared for my coronation as science queen and future winner of the Nobel Peace prize. Mumma didn’t raise no fool, I am a science extraordinaire.

In blog tradition, let me translate this amazing moment into 2016 English.

Mrs J: 'Your cover page looks glorious’

Me: 'Thanks Kitty girl, I worked rullll hard’

Mrs J: 'But why does it say 'Astrology’

Me: 'Ummm, you are the one who makes the assignments gal pal, this is what you asked for’

Mrs J: 'Look home slice, did it not once occur to you in that block head, under that hideous undercut weave, that the theories of personality and behavioural factors being determined by planetary locations at the time of birth, might possibly NOT be the basis of your SCIENCE assignment?’

Me: 'Too many big words, Felicia doesn’t understand’

Mrs J: 'Your assignment was about Astronomy, NOT Astrology’

Me: 'Wahhhhhh’

Saddest kitty. I was not going to get an A for explaining to Mrs J why Taurus and Libra will not work out and even my pretty cover page wasn’t gonna get me anything.

It just goes to show, you can be the juiciest and ripest peach on the tree, but it won’t help you when the assignment is to be a tomato.

So, I failed Science, which is fine because Scientists would probably lose at RuPaul’s Drag Race trivia night where I would clean up and it takes all types to keep the world spinning.

Whether you are savvy with science, dance like Beyoncé, have shaved legs in winter or something else, the world needs us all and what I want to add to it, is more blogs.

So that is the story about how I learned all about star signs, relatively useless in the science world, but fascinating none the less, good conversation starter and even better blog.

For the record also, I am the most un-Virgo Virgo in the history of Virgos.

Till next time! Xxxxxxxxx