#teamconbad

My favorite moment of the entire year wasn’t the first day of school. It wasn’t the last. It wasn’t Christmas, or my birthday, or even the family trip we took to visit my grandparents in France.

My favorite moment of the entire year was the day my parents would pack our bags into the backseat of our Jeep and start our journey towards Cousins Beach.

Every year since my mom was four years old, she would drive down to Cousins, exactly two days after her school had ended. When my dad showed up, they kept up her tradition. And when I was born, all my summers were spent at Cousins.

Every year from the beginning of June till the end of August, I was in my own world. The boardwalk games, the daily ice cream. The country club, the parties. And especially the Fisher boys.

I’d known the Fisher family longer than the Conklin family had. My mom had lived through her summers in the house next door to the Becks. Susannah had been her best friend, and then Laurel came along. Laurel and Susannah were inseparable. And all three of them together had adventures to rival ours.

The entirety of my year was spent thinking of summers, until they actually got here. Belly and I had talked about it once. We measured our years in summers, like they were the only part of the year that mattered. Winters were irrelevant, boring, compared to summers. Summers were when we got to do what we wanted, live how we wanted, have fun how we wanted. Summers were with the boys, and summers were in Cousins. Nothing was ever boring at Cousins beach.

I was looking out the window as my dad parked into our driveway. My brother Tate sat in the front with him, and the two were arguing about something that I hadn’t bothered paying attention to. Tate was a year older than I was. My sister Angela, sleeping beside me, was seven. She remembered my mom the least. My dad stopped the car, and the second he did, I threw my door open and headed out. My flip-flops slapped against the concrete and I climbed through the hedges that separated my house from the Fisher home. I could hear Tate following me. The second their front yard got into sight I could see the Conklins as well. Jeremiah and Steven were in their own world as the hugged, and so were Susannah and Laurel. Belly, on the other hand, was climbing out of the car.

“Bells!” I called out to her, causing her to turn around and embrace me as I ran towards her. I picked her up and twirled her slightly, setting her down to look up and down. “You look gorgeous, you know?” I laughed. She did. Her hair was a beautiful dark brown and it had an auburn tint to it. She didn’t have contacts anymore and her eyes had a shine to them that hadn’t been there before.

“Thank you.” she tilted her head down shyly. I smiled at her again before letting her go.

I turned around to see Jeremiah Fisher.

Jeremiah and I have an odd relationship. A complicated one. When we were kids, we were best friends. The kind of best friends that had secret handshakes, and fought over silly opinions, and shoved each other in the pool without regretting a single bit of it. Then one day, he promised to bring me to to the boardwalk, to make up for all the fun I’d missed while going to basketball practice. I got excited about it and everything. We were thirteen.

He stood me up for some girl he’d met the week before.

He promised he’d make it up to me. He said he’d bring me out to the drive-in.

He hung out with Conrad, Steven, and Tate instead, playing video games all night while I waited for him to knock on my door.

It happened all summer. Over and over. Eventually, I got so sick of it that I confronted him about it. I made him walk with me to the docs.

I hate remembering what he said that day. All I’m going to say is that Jere knew all my weaknesses.

I’d slapped him in the face and ran away crying. That had been the end of my friendship with Jeremiah Fisher.

“Hey, Sammy. How was your school year?” Jeremiah smirked, immediately slipping into his little flirty cover. It used to be my favorite thing about him, and now it was my least.

“Shove off, Fisher.” I rolled my eyes, bumping his shoulder to move past him towards Conrad and Belly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tate shove Jeremiah playfully.

Conrad hugged me immediately, didn’t hesitate like he did with Belly. I laughed when he lifted me off the ground, just as a jab towards how tall he was getting.

He set me down. “You got muscles, Sam. You’re probably fitter than me and Jere.” he smiled teasingly. I laughed, swatting at him playfully.

“Basketball requires work, does it not?” I teased, flexing my biceps. Conrad attacked my stomach, tickling me immediately. I giggled, erupting into small fits of laughter. 

“Yo, Connie, quit flirting with Sam!” Conrad rolled his eyes at Steve, pausing his attack immediately. I tucked my hands into the back pockets of my shorts. I was oblivious to their comments after all our summers.

I liked how I’d put myself together that summer. Most my clothes were new, curtesy of my dad’s annual seasonly shopping spree. I was wearing white jean shorts, beige flip-flops, and a sage green tank top with daisies decorating the fabric. My previously bright red hair had turned a deep auburn, and it complemented my dark tan skin. My olive eyes stood out because of my hair as well. Everything had come together that summer. Everything had fit.

I knew I wasn’t as pretty as Belly, or the girls at Cousins that the boys hung out with. But I felt prettier than before. And that was enough for me.

“Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys.” Steven lead Jeremiah and Tate towards Belly, Conrad and I. He started making small shrugging gestures with his hands. “I mean, I don’t know about you, but I-“ he cut himself off, looking down at his naked wrist. Jeremiah mimicked him, and Tate followed the two. “I, well I think, it’s time for a..” 

Jeremiah continued, “For a..” The three boys looked at each other.

“A Belly flop!” Belly backed away slowly and I started giggling. The boys had come up with the Belly flop when we were kids, most likely Steven’s idea. Jeremiah was Belly’s best friend, Steven and Tate were her older brothers, and Conrad, well, we’d never known about Conrad. But they all loved teasing her, Steven especially. So when Steven let Belly slip through his arms as she sprinted, screaming at them, all four boys ran after her, Conrad tackling her first. Jeremiah and Steven grabbed her legs, and Tate helped with her torso. I followed as they brought her towards the back.

Belly was calling for me to stop, and I knew it was a failed attempt. Even with the strength I’d gathered, me against those four? Never gonna work.

I sat behind them on the lounge chairs as the started counting down, swinging Belly back and forth. “One, two, three!” Belly splashed into the water, screaming at the last second when they’d all laughed. She’d given up on crying about it years ago.

“How’s the water?” Jeremiah remarked, staring down at her cheekily. His blond curls were blowing in the breeze and I forced myself to look away.

“Guys, I hurt my ankle.” I stood up immediately after hearing Belly. The boys never would have thrown me into the water. They knew they’d get beat up for it by me, and me alone. “Come on.” Belly held out her hand. Before I could reach for her, Conrad did.

“Yeah, got you.” He gripped her hand, and before any of us could figure out what was happening, she pulled him in with her. I smiled at the two, facing Steven, Jeremiah, and Tate instead.

Steven draped an arm over my shoulder before addressing Jeremiah. “Bro, did your mom get that fancy cheese or whatever?” Jeremiah shoved his arm playfully.

“Yeah, dude, don’t worry. She went out yesterday and got all that.” Tate grinned at the two.

“Jere, your mom picks the best food.” He added. Steven laughed.

“You two don’t even live here.”

Jeremiah faced me, and suddenly his ocean blue eyes were sinking deep into mine and all I could think was, I’m drowning, God, I’m drowning. “You could if you wanted to.” He winked and the moment was over, like it hadn’t even started.

Steven and Jeremiah had gone off into the house somewhere, and I’d dragged Tate back home with me to unpack. When we got over next door all our bags were already inside. I peeked into the living room to see Angela lying on the couch. “Tate, can you?” I  gestured towards her, letting my brother lift her up with a gentleness he’d always reserved for family as he brought her up the stairs. I knew when he thought no one was looking he’d tuck her in.

I walked into the Beck house and sat on the couch. The boys were outside, probably getting Conrad or Tate, and I knew I could just wait a minute. I’d braided my hair and worn a simple pair of overalls with a tank top. They never made a big deal out of this thing.

“Hey,” Jeremiah walked into the living room. It looked liked Steven and Conrad were walking behind him, and Tate wasn’t in sight. I waved awkwardly.

“Where’s-“ Jeremiah cut me off, pointing towards the stairs.

“He found something of your mom’s.” I froze. My breathing turned uneven. Jeremiah and Conrad, the two people I thought would understand, had left my brother alone upstairs after finding something of his dead mothers.

Everything was spinning. Upside down and around and about and suddenly I couldn’t feel my fingers or my toes but somehow I knew I was sprinting up the stairs.

I found him in the hall, leaning against the wall with his face buried in his hands. Tate had always been a silent crier. His shoulders were shaking and at his feet was a glass dove. Susannah had bought it for my mom as a birthday present. Her favorite bird was a dove.

I felt tears fill my eyes and I didn’t bother wiping them away. My vision blurred as I collapsed to my knees in front of him, placing the bird delicately to the side before wrapping my arms around him tight. He knew I was there and he knew it was me. I buried my face into his shoulder and he did the same, and so we sat there in silence before Jeremiah called us down.

I wiped my tears and held out my hand towards him. Tate took it and led me downstairs, both of us holding no trace of what we’d been doing and how much we hated to be there that night.

I was sitting by the bonfire, watching my friends around me. Conrad was making out with Nicole, Steven was with Shayla, and Jeremiah and Tate were flirting per usual. I knew lots of people, yet I didn’t want to talk. I enjoyed watching, overviewing. Just being in my own little world. You can learn so much by just existing that it’s almost funny.

I looked up from the fire suddenly when everyone was watching a girl that had fallen. She wore a short pink dress that was in no way appropriate for a bonfire, and I realized quite late that it was Belly. Steven seemed to be helping her up, although I watched her as she practically was breathing fire towards Conrad and Nicole.

“Bells!” I exclaimed, jumping up and walking towards her. She looked up at me briefly before glaring at Conrad again. This was never going to go well, not if she still had feelings for Connie.

“You’re such a brat.” Conrad continued the two’s argument. I put a hand on Belly’s shoulder holding her back in a useless manner.

“Well you’re an asshole!” She exclaimed, stepping towards him. I scrambled to move her, smiling at Nicole when she caught my eye. I hear Jeremiah call Belly’s name and a feeling of relief clouded my body. Jere could always calm Belly down.

He was jogging towards us. “Great! You came.” He smiled at us both. “Now we can all hang out, you guys.” I grinned at him for the sake of it. Might as well play along.

“Yeah, come on Connie. Let it be, it’s alright.” I scrunched up my face in a small gesture and Conrad rolled his eyes. He’d had too many beers for my liking, and his new personality wouldn’t mix well with it.

“I’m about to take her home.” Steven cut in, protectively wrapping an arm around Belly. I stood next to Jeremiah. Years of history flashed by, and regardless of our feelings towards each other, neither of us liked to cause a scene.

“What?!” Jere exclaimed, an arm draped across my shoulder. Its weight was familiar and I took a sharp breath, trying not to remember before.

I stepped forward slightly. “Come on, Steven.”

He glared at us both. “Yeah, we’re leaving.” He shook his head. “Are you kidding me?” Rage was flaring through his eyes, and I knew I couldn’t do anything. Jeremiah Fisher could though. No one could resist Jere’s charm, especially not me. You were drawn to him, in good ways and bad, and you couldn’t avoid it.

“Okay, Steven, chill out.” Jere reached out towards his friend. “Come on, go hang out with Shayla or something.” I smiled at Shayla and she understood what we wanted. She always did. We’d been best friends as kids, and we were still close, but two years changes everyone.

Shayla convinced Steven easily. “Fine.” He seemed indignant. “But just stay right here.” He looked at Belly forcefully. “And don’t talk to anybody.” I rolled my eyes. Belly was pissed.

“Alright, Steven, don’t take it that far.” I remarked, slipping my arm into Belly’s so she couldn’t do anything stupid.

“Yeah, just chill for a minute.” Jeremiah agreed, chuckling as his friend walked away. Belly was mad though, pissed through and through. Her years of whining and attention-seeking had turned into a hidden brisk temper, and she was about to explode.

“Fuck you!” She held up the middle finger, gesturing towards her brother with both hands. I sighed, shooting a look at Jeremiah. The people around us ooh-ed, everyone loving the commotion. I hated the commotion.

“Wow,” Jere had an easy smile on his face. He’d make it right. He held out a hand towards Belly’s arm. “Listen. For one, I’m really happy you’re here.”

“Yeah, so am I. These numbskulls had ditched me anyway.” I rolled my eyes jokingly and Jeremiah shoved me lightly. My brain jolted back to all its correct feelings and an unexpected coldness rushed through me.

“Jeremiah,” a girl’s voice echoed, sounding snobby compared to everything we’d just said. I knew Jere was ditching us, and he had a right to. But it pissed me off for whatever reason.

The youngest Fisher rotated his gaze back and forth, looking at Belly and I. “Okay, I will be right back.” He assured Belly more than me, flashing me a small smile before walking backwards. I knew right then this night would be a huge screw-up.

Belly was talking to some guy, 7th grade Latin convention they said. I was sitting in the middle of everything, keeping an eye on all my friends just in case. It was something I was used to.

When I looked back over at Conrad, he was shoving some kid. I couldn’t remember his name right then, and I quite honestly didn’t care.

“Connie!” I yelled, running towards them and being careful to stay out of their way.

“What’s your problem, man?” The guy looked Conrad up and down. Nicole was the only person blocking the two and she looked over at me, eyes pleading for help. “It’s one beer, it’s a party, relax.”

I laid a hand on Conrad’s shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t shove it off. “Con, please. You’re wasted, just give him one. I’ll pay you back.” Conrad looked down at me for a moment before Nicole helped.

“No, give me my beer back. I paid for this.” Nicole stopped the boys as they shoved at each other.

She looked up at Conrad. “Stop, stop. You’re drunk. Just give him the beer.” She was calm, always was. Nicole had that sorta aura around her.

“Maybe you should listen to your lady.” I knew then it was all screwed over. Whatever calm we’d given Conrad was gone.

The two started their argument again. Nicole walked away calmly and I laid a hand on both their chests. “Listen up, idiots. You’re gonna walk away and act like mature civilized men, or I’m gonna beat you both up.” The guy looked down at me, a flirtatious look on his face. I groaned inwardly and joined Nicole on the side.

“Fuck you, bro.” Conrad spit out when I was gone. I rubbed my head, an ache pressing into my skull from all the overwhelming crap the day had been filled with.

The two started shoving at each other, throwing hands the way only drunk teenagers can. I watched Belly approach and knew I had to do something, I just didn’t know what. I stepped forward and before I could interfere, Belly was on the ground. I ran towards her, letting the boy she was with help me. Conrad started his fight behind us but I just helped Belly up.

I could hear Jeremiah start dealing with it, but soon enough their were sirens, and everyone was running. All I could do was find Belly and run with them.

Jeremiah opened the door for Conrad and I held it for him. “Come on, get in the car.” Jere sounded tired, exhausted. Not physically, but emotionally. He wore his heart on his sleeve which was why no one really asked if he was okay, but I knew he needed it sometimes. “Watch your head.” He pushed Conrad’s head down. “Legs, legs.” He sighed.

“Yes, I know how to get into a car.” Conrad grimaced, letting me slam the door. I stopped Jere before he opened his own door, searching his expression. We may not be friends, but he’d been through a lot. And I knew Belly didn’t tend to think of that all the time.

“You good, Fisher?” Concern I didn’t think I had in me laced my voice. Jeremiah’s face softened as he shook his head, taking his seat in the front and leaving me to get in next to Connie.

“Belly, let’s go, get in.” Jere looked at his side. Belly took one glance at the boy in front of her and took a deep breath.

“Cam can give me a ride home.” She faced him. “Right, Cam?” The boy, Cam, nodded quickly. I leaned back into my seat, relaxing as the tension left my body.

“Yes, that’s no problem.” He looked at Jeremiah. Jere’s jaw was drawn tight and I could see impatience make its way into his eyes. He was never impatient.

“No, you’re not gonna get in a car with a guy you just met.” Jeremiah wasn’t having it, and quite honestly neither was I.

“Bells, I agree.” I leaned forward, looking at her as best I could.

Cam put his hand through the window, rotating between the two of us. “I’m Cam. Cameron.”

I knew he was getting on Jere’s last nerve. “Your name is Cam Cameron?” I closed my eyes, leaned back in my seat, and their voices faded in the background. My head was pounding, and I was too tired to deal with any of this.

I heard Jere start the car and stop abruptly. “Fuck! Steven! And Tate!” He got out and said something to us. I didn’t bother to listen, just kept my eyes closed and tried to drift off.

A knock on the window startled me and my eyes flew open to be faced with a police officer. “Have you kids been drinking?” We all looked at each other, our expressions subtle, and then I leaned back and let a string of swears run through my mind.

I watched as Laurel handled the officers. I wasn’t lying when I said it was like she was the parent when it came to us all. Susannah was asleep on the couch and I was worried we would wake her. I knew she was alright now, but the worry came naturally.

Laurel turned towards us and we all silently, collectively, agreed we were screwed. “How could you guys be so irresponsible.” Her face was pulled tight and I knew she was trying not to get pissed in a way that would scare us a lot less, coming from her.

Steven stepped forward, a mistake in my eyes. “Mom, it wasn’t a big deal. Alright, seriously.” I squeezed my eyes shut. He’d said the wrong thing. “The cops were just looking to break up the bonfire.”

Anger flashed subtly through Laurel’s gaze. “Not a big deal?” She was holding back, staring at Steven surely. 

“Yes.” Steven sounded exasperated, and we’d all picked up on it.

Laurel was seething. “I would say getting picked up by the cops for underage drinking is a pretty big deal Steven!” She emphasized his name, her voice still eerily calm.

Steven took a breath and scoffed at his mother. “Were you guys smoking tonight?” He smirked, acting like he’d caught her.

“What?” Laurel seemed scattered for a moment before pulling herself together.

For the first time in the whole conversation, or lecture, Conrad looked up. “Keep your voice down, Susannah’s asleep on the couch!” Laurel raised her voice herself, trying to deflect the conversation out of worry. This wasn’t like her. Nothing that happened tonight was like any of us.

Steven looked confused. “Well, I wasn’t yelling. Well, you, you were-“ Jeremiah cut of his stuttering.

“Just so you know Laurel, I didn’t drink tonight. I was the DD, I swear.” Laurel shook her head out of disappointment. 

“I didn’t either.” I chimed in, looking down at the ground. “I didn’t want to after what happened.”

Laurel scoffed, facing Conrad instead. “You’re the oldest. What the hell’s gotten into you?” I could see she wanted to unleash her rage. She faced Belly next. “And when did you leave the house without telling anybody?” She was on a roll, unable to control herself. “And what in the world are you wearing?” 

Belly fidget nervously, pulling the hoodie I’d never seen over herself. Then again, I hadn’t seen her in a while. “It’s Taylor’s. And why am I the only one who’s not allowed to go out?” This had turned into something personal, and even I could see that.

Laurel looked tired. We all did. “It’s not that you’re not allowed, it’s that you should have told us you were going. How did you even get there.” I winced.

“I walked.” Belly mumbled, looking at her feet.

“Jesus.” Laurel muttered, turning her head slightly before looking back at us. “You know better than to walk that far down the beach alone late at night!”

Belly stood up, a temper to rival her mothers coming into play. “Can you stop treating me like a kid?”

“If you wanna be treated like an adult, you need to act like one.” Laurel spit out, causing Belly to hole up in the corner.

“Then maybe you guys should too.” Conrad looked up at Laurel, speaking for the first time. Laurel and Conrad had a special relationship. They understood each other, with how reserved they both were. He’d never talked back to her. Ever.

Laurel took a moment to process what he’d said. We all did. “What does that mean?” Conrad stopped talking again, and Laurel started. “I hope you realize, this night could have ended a lot differently if your family, wasn’t your family.” She directed this towards Jeremiah and Conrad, and we all knew it.

Tate and I looked at each other from across the room. “We’re sorry, Laur.” Jeremiah lifted his shoulders. She sighed, bringing a hand to her head.

“Just..go to bed, guys. And Tate, go room with Steven. I’ll talk to your dad.” Everyone turned to go but Laurel faced Conrad when everyone was gone. I stayed. I knew she wanted me to.

Their conversation was private. I walked towards the bathroom, stepping inside and flipping the switch for the sink. 

I looked up in the mirror. My hair had a few flyaways, and my makeup was barely there, but I knew I looked different. I looked older, of course I did, and tired. We all looked tired.

“Sam.” I heard Laurel outside the door. My hand reached towards the door knob to step outside, and the second I did I knew I was in trouble.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, my head hanging. I heard Laurel sigh.

“Out of all of them, I thought you’d be the one to get them to stop. After everything you’ve been through, after everything you and Tate have been through.” My eyes stung and I closed them quickly, blinking hard.

“Tate I understand. He doesn’t know how to handle everything. It takes him a while to learn. But you? God, I thought you cared, Samantha. I thought you cared for her enough that you would know what kind of shit happens when people get wasted.” Tears filled my eyes inevitably as I looked up at Laurel. I didn’t recognize her.

“Don’t.” My voice trembled. “Don’t you dare.” Hurt flashed across her face, and before she could fix everything she’d said I’d shoved past her. The stairs were a blur, and my mind told me to go see Susannah. She was asleep. Next was Belly, and Belly wouldn’t get it. Jeremiah, I thought, but no. Jeremiah and I weren’t friends anymore. Steven was with Tate, and I couldn’t talk to Tate right now. Conrad was wasted.

So I sat against the wall between Belly and Jeremiah’s room, sobs racking my chest. It burned, a dull fire that always sparked at the worst times. I was heaving, I couldn’t breath, and every bit of oxygen I got felt like a waste.

“Sam?” He was gentle, sitting in front of me and lifting me face. His fingers held my cheeks carefully, like I was fragile glass. I looked into his eyes, and those eyes. I got lost for a moment, the dry tears on my cheeks brushed away gently by his thumb.

“Jere,” my voice was hoarse as I flung myself at him, letting him hold me for a moment. I sat there in the hallway, arms wrapped loosely around him while his were wrapped tight around me.

“I-I can’t.” I was gasping for air like I was drowning, none of what I was getting enough for me. Jeremiah looked me in the eyes and grabbed my hand, placing it towards the left, right on his heart. “Breathe with me, okay?” His heart was steady and slow and soon enough everything was still. I took one last deep breath before falling against the wall.

I picked up my empty suitcase and threw it onto the top shelf in my closet. I wouldn’t need it for a while. I brushed my hands together to remove any dirt before jumping on my bed. I was splayed across the newly spread comforter and I closed my eyes for a moment.

Being in Cousins again was always the same. The little feeling of giddy nostalgia when I opened my bedroom door. Feeling a stab at my stomach when I looked into the family room, old pictures hung up all over. I hadn’t been back in two years, yet everything here was frozen in time.

Only the people weren’t.

I sat up and crawled towards the window, looking out to see two figures I would have recognized to matter what. A brunette and a blonde were racing towards the sea, both of them carrying towels that flew behind them. Belly ran into the water, Jere tackling her as he joined. I remembered when Jere had woken me up for an early morning swim one time.

My heart stopped, quite literally, when I felt someone shake me awake. I opened my eyes, ready to start screaming, and yet the face in front of me was familiar. Blonde curls framed a small face, blue eyes glittering no matter the early time in the morning.

“Can you swim with me, Sammy?” Jeremiah asked, his lips curling up into a smile when he saw I’d opened my eyes. I groaned, falling back and pulling my covers over my body. “Please,” he stretched out the word, a little sing-song tone taking on his voice. Even a ten-year-old Jeremiah knew I would do anything for him.

I threw the covers off me. “Five more minutes.” I grumbled, letting him fall next to me. I curled up towards him, my legs tangling with his. I remember his laugh, a twinkling sound, almost magical to my ears. I loved Jeremiah’s laugh.

“Come on, let’s go.” He’d hauled me up, given me a few minutes to change, then quietly helped me creep out. Houses in Cousins were never locked, but only Jeremiah would actually use my back door.

We’d ran towards the sea, adrenaline pumping through me at the cool air. It was the perfect summer morning. The breeze was light and the sunrise had melted into orange and pink. The weather was warm enough that we wouldn’t freeze the moment we got out. Jeremiah had picked a nice day to ruin my beauty sleep.

We played games in the water all morning until breakfast, and even when we walked into the Beck house soaked to the skin, the smiles on our faces were irreversible, because they had spread to our eyes.

Susannah had invited Tate and I over for dinner that night, and we accepted happily. Angela held my hand even while sitting at the dinner table, but I didn’t mind. She was my little princess. Our dad was still out shopping, but he never really came over unless the dads were here. Talking to Susannah and Laurel reminded him too much of our mom.

Steven and Jeremiah were laughing over something on Steven’s phone, and it was getting on Laurel’s last nerve. “Steven, I swear to God, if you don’t put that phone away this instant I will put it in the screen basket.”

I’d always liked Laurel. She was no-nonsense, always stating facts and truths. I loved her for it. My mom had adored Laurel the same way Susannah had. Everyone who got to know her did. Laurel did most of the parenting when it came to us all, and I don’t think any of us except for Belly and Steven would have wanted it any other way.

“It’s just, we want to see your beautiful faces.” Susannah flourished. Susannah had a way of easing tension, making everyone believe what she said. She had a way of talking that was almost magical. “Can dinner be a screen-free zone. You know, like the olden days?” She joked in a way we would understand, taking a sip of her wine. Angela smiled at her and Susannah grinned back.

Jeremiah looked over at Steven. “Steven!” He stole his friend’s phone, grabbing it and over-exaggerating as he shot like a free throw. His form was pretty decent, put I would never tell him that.

“Dude, are you kidding me!” Steven exclaimed.

Jeremiah laughed. “Boom! Nailed it.”

I looked over at him. “Watch your supporting hand.” I pointed out. Jeremiah grinned at me, sitting back down as a smile overtook his features. God, that smile.

“Okay, okay we get it. You’ve been working out.” Steven rolled his eyes, always jokingly bitter that he was probably the weakest out of us all.

Belly chuckled. “Oh, you’re just jealous because Jere has a better body than you.” She winked at me and I kicked her foot under the table, easily finding it.

Steven made a face. “Uh, no, it’s actually all about the lean look now. Otherwise you can’t wear tailored suits.” He gestured towards his body and Tate laughed under his breathe.

“Sure, buddy, sure.” He patted him on the shoulder. I smirked at the two as everyone giggled at their nonsense. I’d missed them, these people that were my family.

“Tailored suits.” Conrad smiled for the first time all night. He’d been off recently, acting weird. I could tell, although I didn’t know if Belly or Steven had noticed.

Steven glanced at him. “When are you leaving for training camp, man?” I winced. Conrad had quit. I remember he’d texted me that night. It was the first time I replied in a long while. Everyone went silent, awkwardly.

Jeremiah looked down at his plate. “He quit football.” Everyone was in utter silence now, Tate, Steven and Belly taking in their information.

“Wait, really? You quit?” Steven looked lost as he gathered his words. Conrad nodded. “Are you kidding me, man. I’d kill to play collage ball.” Angela tugged on my hand, and I knew she wanted to leave. I looked down at her, holding up a finger to give me a minute.

“He can always change his mind.” Susannah said meaningfully, looking at her eldest son.

Conrad’s face went blank. “I’m not gonna change my mind.” He looked at Steven. “I was just gonna sit on the bench all season anyway.”

I started piling Angela’s food on top of mine to stack the plates. Tate looked at me questioningly and I gestured to our sister. I knew he’d stay, but he would worry if he didn’t know why we left.

Laurel attempted to fix up the conversation. “Well, if you’re not playing football anymore, what are you gonna do all summer?” Before Steven could add a bit of information, I stood up and picked up Angela.

“We’re gonna go, Angie’s tired. Thanks so much for dinner, Susannah.” I kissed the top of her head, waving goodbye at everyone before hurrying out. I could hear the arguing as I left but I’d spent too much of my energy. I didn’t think coming back to Cousins without her would be so hard.

I opened my phone up to our group chat with Conrad, Steven, Tate, and Jeremiah. A few years ago, the boys always left Belly out, because she was a girl, and she was younger. I was Jere’s age, a bit older. Steven and Conrad didn’t mind me tagging along, and I was friends with everyone they knew. We hadn’t talked much recently. We mostly used it because we lived next door, but the two years we hadn’t come our crew had stayed in the same house.

sam

first bonfire night?

jeremiah fisher

like always, princess

tater tot

quit flirting with my sister

we'll meet you at the house in ten

I collapsed on my bed, tears streaming down my face as I sobbed into my pillow. My lungs were coiled tightly, a feeling I hated having. The ache that vibrated through my body was horrifying, hitting in waves every time it paused.

I hated Jeremiah Fisher. I didn’t know why I thought this summer would be any different. But all those small moments we had, I’d thought they added to something bigger. Maybe I had overreacted. But my whole life, I was second to Belly Conklin. With Steven, of course. With Susannah and Laurel, always. With Conrad, although I didn’t mind that one too much because of how close he and I were, and how differently he viewed us both.

But Jeremiah. We were the same thing to Jeremiah, until Belly became more. And that was when I realized that no matter what happened to me, Belly would always come first. He’d always help her first. Even if he never clarified it, I knew. I always knew when it came to Jeremiah Fisher.

As my feet sunk into the sand, small grains slipping through my toes, I looked out at the beach to see a familiar figure. He was taller than before, but he was always growing more than the rest of us.

I approached him slowly and sat beside him, not turning my face. The waves crashed onto our feet, slipping away before any damage could occur.

“Hi.” Conrad spoke, taking a puff from his cigarette and looking towards me.

“Hey.” I turned my gaze to the side. Conrad was like a mirror of me, eyes slightly red rimmed and empty. Looks like we’d both had rough nights.

“Haven’t talked much this summer.” he blew out, a hazy cloud in front of him. I held my hand out and was surprised when he didn’t lecture me, instead handing me the cigarette.

I took a puff myself, blowing out before speaking again. “We’re such a mess.” 

Conrad smiled, taking his cigarette back. “When were we not.” I gave him the trace of a smile before staring right back at the ocean.

The ocean went on forever, not really, but in my terms it did. Looking at it made me feel small, but important. Like next to the ocean even I mattered.

“Jeremiah and I are fighting again.” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Conrad sighed. “Remember the first time you guys fought?”

I thought about it, searching my memory. I suddenly remembered our first real fight, when we were eight.

I’d forgotten to tell him when my birthday was. Jeremiah forgot a lot, although he never forgot my birthday. That day he’d been busy, and I hadn’t minded. But when he called later that month, asking when my birthday was, and I said it had already passed, he wouldn’t talk to me.

We went April to mid-June without talking, before Conrad made us talk it out. When we made up it was like the house gave a huge sigh of relief.

“Yeah. You locked us in his room for three hours, and Jere hates not talking.” I recalled. Conrad nodded.

“You two could have worked it out without me. Honestly, I think you and Jeremiah could work anything out if you put aside your goddamn stubbornness.” he chuckled. “You guys are so alike, yet so different, and you balance each other out in every single way but your stubbornness.”

I thought for a moment, thinking through my words. “Jere and I only keep secrets because we’re stubborn, don’t we? No one wants to admit anything first.”  

Conrad nodded. “Just sit down and talk, Sam. Trust me on this.”

“Thanks, Connie.” I relaxed. We were silent for a few moments before Conrad started talking.

“I’m fucking everything up with her.” his voice was steady, like he was sure of himself.

“I know.” I looked at him. “But don’t be scared, Con. Be you. Shove everything aside and be the kid who danced with Belly when no one else would. She knows that Conrad. She cares about that Conrad. Although she’d care about you no matter what.”

Conrad stood up and held out a hand for me to follow. I took it, letting him pull me up. He hugged me lightly, like the echo of a touch, before waving and walking away.

I looked towards my house to see my brother walking towards me and I jogged to meet him halfway. “Tate.” I said.

Tate took my arm and walked with me towards the house. We didn’t say anything because we didn’t need to. Tate looked away while I changed, I looked away for him. And then we crawled into bed, his head at my feet, and fell asleep easily. Like we always had.

I’d woken up early that morning and decided to make breakfast. Normally we’d go over to the Beck’s house, but I didn’t think I wanted to.

When Tate walked in with Angela trailing behind him, I’d finished up the eggs. They were sunny side up, and I’d filled four plates along with bacon.

A fruit salad sat on the counter, next to three different cereals. I’d set out Nutella and syrup, knowing Angela would eat both. On top of that, there were pancakes, chocolate chips peeking out.

Jeremiah had taught me a lot as a kid. I could never escape Jeremiah in my life.

“Thank you,” Angela yawned, letting Tate lift her up onto a chair. He took his own spot and easily finished his three strips of bacon.

“That’s awesome.” he held out his fist for a fist bump, and I obliged, going along with him into our handshake.

Angela pouted. “I wanna handshake!” She stuck her hand out and I giggled as Tate started instructing her.

My dad was reluctantly dragging himself inside, although he perked up immediately after seeing the spread on the counter.

He slide into his own seat next to Tate, grinning at me lazily. “Didn’t think we’d see you two this morning.” I smiled.

“We decided to be with our family. Haven’t been together in a while, have we?” Angela nodded eagerly.

Tate took a pancake and bit into it, gaining a disappointing glance at him. He stopped before his second bite, letting me hand him a plate so he could load it with pancakes and syrup.

My dad finished his plate faster then Tate and I had, helping Angela finish her egg. “You’ve forgotten to eat, haven’t you?” I tusked, immediately loading fruit onto his plate. He shrugged, scooping over half the fruit up immediately.

I let Tate have my own bacon, taking bites of my egg and finishing it easily. My dad poured himself a bowl of cereal, grabbing milk from the fridge. I ate the rest of the fruit salad and helped Angela eat Nutella slathered pancakes.

Soon enough everything was finished. Tate put away the cereal and my dad put away the milk. Angela got on my shoulders to shelf the Nutella and syrup, letting me run her around the place afterward.

Eventually, we'd all settled in front of the TV, Gilmore Girls playing on the screen. Tate was laying across the couch with Angela on top of him, and me at their feet. Dad was in his armchair.

JEREMIAH’S POV

I remember when I first really met Sam, when we first really became friends. We were kids, four. Tate and Conrad were hanging out by the pool. We used to look up to them, with how much older they were.

Steven and Belly were sleeping. They’d gotten into Cousins just that morning, and they were tired. I was surprised Sam wasn’t either.

She’d always been calm in the most energetic way possible. It was one of my favorite things about her, how she did everything silly on purpose, considering every consequence. Even at the age of four.

I’d been sitting inside, watching TV. Probably Monster Inc. or something, I don’t really remember. Sam had walked in and seen me laying on the couch. She saw my empty glass, and picked it up.

A few minutes later she was back. In my glass was a smoothie. I didn’t know what was in it, but she set it in front of me so I took a sip.

It’s my favorite drink in the world now. Even if she hasn’t made it for me in over three years.

I invited her to watch the rest of the movie with me, and so she sat. When we were done we ran out to the beach, building a kingdom in our eyes.

Rows and rows of sandcastles covered the stretch of the beach we owned. Sam had found shells to make windows and doors, and I’d gotten sticks as knights. The next morning, the masterpiece we’d made was washed away.

But our friendship was formed to make up for it, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I stayed where Sam had left me for a while, until everything finally felt numb enough so I could leave. I walked down the path towards the house, recalling everything I’d said to her that night.

Sam was insecure. So incredibly insecure. She hated herself with a passion, hated her body, her figure. She hated her personality and her way of thinking. She hated every part of her that I loved.

Sam hated the way her smile turned up easily. She hated how when she ate too fast her stomach bloated, even if it was the tiniest amount. Her stomach was flat either way, but she saw things the rest of us didn’t.

When we were thirteen, the first week of the summer, Sam and I acted like we always had. During a party, I saw her with some boy. Sam had her first kiss at school. She told me about it after I told her.

When they kissed before she walked over to me, I got upset. Jealous, maybe. I don’t know. All I knew was that when she told me about things outside of Cousins, I never really registered it. Because it had to do with her, I remembered. I always did. But it never kicked in.

I knew boys in Cousins liked her. I was grouped in that category. But I’d never seen that she liked any of them back.

Over the summer I distanced myself. I did it subconsciously. I started noticing small stupid things. And only over Samantha Dupont would I ever overthink.

I started realizing my flaws and feeling insecure. Stupid things that I still hate. I play people, flirt with them. I’m scared of commitment. With Sam, I’d easily stop. I want someone who loves me like I love them, someone everything comes easily with. Sam is easy. With Sam everything is easy.

Or it was. 

I insulted all her insecurities that night. I hated myself for so long because of it. And that was when I realized Sam would never love me that way, because she never did.

I closed off my heart. I wore it on my sleeve but a whole different version. The differences were subtle but there.

I would always love Samantha Dupont. No matter what I did, I’d always care about her. She was my first love, and nights like these made me convinced she would be my last.

Some souls are connected. With history, feelings, maybe even personality traits.

Sam and I are connected. We keep coming back, over and over. No matter how hard we try, we end up at the start, with each other.

“Oh my god, Belly!” I fell back on her bed, a pillow smothering my face.

Belly laughed, jumping on the bed and snatching the pillow from me. I pouted, shifting to my side and looking up at her.

“You seem to really like him.” My voice was melodic as I teased my best friend. I giggled when she mimicked a cartoon character in love, clasping her hands together while she sighed dramatically.

Her expression turned mischievous. “And you and Jere, huh?” I made a horrified expression.

“Isabel Conklin! Jeremiah Fisher and I have unresolved conflict that we have no idea how to get past! I do not appreciate you turning our situation into a love story!” Belly jumped on me, fingers tickling my stomach immediately. I shrieked, wrestling her off.

“You’re gonna ruin your outfit!” I jumped off the bed, running away into Susannah’s room. “Susannah! Did Belly tell you she has a date!” I called, words echoing when Susannah looked up from her spot in the armchair. She squealed and clapped her hands. Belly trailed into the room, grinning shyly.

Susannah immediately pulled Belly into the bathroom, most likely to find a shade of lipstick or some mascara. I’d applied some blush, but that was all she’d let me do.

I fell back on Susannah’s bed, watching Belly walk back in with Susannah. My best friend stood in front of the mirror and after Susannah had fallen back into her armchair, she started applying lipstick.

Belly had worn a crochet crop top, adorned with little daisies. She’d picked out a simple pair of jean shorts, and her hair was flowing down her back. She looked gorgeous, in my opinion.

“You look really cute.” Susannah remarked, smiling at Belly. Belly rolled her eyes, putting the lipstick away. “You are gonna have so much fun tonight.”

Belly tucked away a strand of hair. “We’re just going to see a movie.” She said shyly. Laurel walked in a few moments later.

“You look nice, hon.” She smiled at Belly before looking down at me. “And you look like a stay at home sixteen year old.” I rolled over, standing up grudgingly.

“That I am, Laur. You got my job description right!” I declared, holding my arms up. Susannah giggled, looking towards Belly. “Although I swear I’ll dress up for the book party.”

“I can’t believe crop tops are back.” She turned towards Laurel and the two of them fell into old conversation. “Remember how I thought I was such hot shit in that baby tee I wore freshman year?” Belly handed Susannah back her lipstick.

“That’s because you probably were.” I demanded indignantly. Susannah and Laurel smiled.

“Have fun tonight.” Susannah looked over at Belly as she picked up her phone. I followed Belly as she walked towards the door.

Laurel faced Belly and I took that as my cue to leave. “I’ll see you downstairs!” I smirked at Belly, twirling as I skipped down the stairs. I walked into the living room to see the boys with controllers in hand, concentrating on their video games.

“Hey, Tate. How was work?” I leaned on the top of the couch.

Tate focused on his game, talking to the boys about something I hadn’t bothered picking up over the years. “Good, good. Sorry I didn’t see you.” He muttered, looking between the screen and the controller. Belly walked up behind me a moment later and I turned, gasping theatrically to join her side.

She took a deep breath. “See you guys later!”

Jeremiah was the first to look at her, and he took a moment. His breath caught while he watched and threw his controller immediately. “Damn,” he turned around the couch, rushing towards Belly. I backed away, feeling awkwardly uncomfortable.

“Are you kidding me!” Steven sighed. “Yeah, no, fine! Just abandon the game completely, Jere!” I smiled.

“You…look…hot.” Jeremiah twirled Belly around, pausing between each his words. Belly giggled, and I bit my lip hesitantly.

Steven finally turned around. “Hey, hey, hey. Stop flirting with my sister.” Always the overprotective one. Tate finally turned too, whistling when Belly caught his eye.

“Watch it, T. That’s my best friend.” I warned playfully. Tate rolled his eyes, facing the game again.

“You look good, Bells.” He called over his shoulder.

Belly groaned. “Shut up, Steven. You too, Sam.” I grinned.

“No you shut up!” Steven bit back. “You look good, though.” He looked back, stating it as an afterthought.

Jere chuckled at his friends. “You driving with us, or are you meeting us there.” I bounced behind Belly, laying a hand on her shoulder.

“Belly Button has a date!” I smirked, pulling away from her slowly. Jere imitated shock.

“I’m going to the drive in.” She smiled at Jere, shooting me a dirty look.

Jeremiah crossed his arms. “With who?” Belly’s phone chimed. Conrad finally looked back at Belly, straying his attention from the game. Steven was clearly pissed that his friends paid more attention to his sister than their game.

“Cam Cameron!” I sung, causing Jere to shoot Belly a look.

Belly looked at her phone and said bye, walking towards the mirror and taking one final look at herself before walking away.

“Jere, your clothes are in your closet. I took mine back.” I whispered in his ear as I passed, knowing Tate would screw Jeremiah over if he heard what I’d just said.

I floated towards the back door, racing into my house and running up the stairs. I passed Angela’s room to see my dad reading her a story, probably Cinderella.

My dad and I had a decent relationship. After mom, we had the same way of coping, so we helped distract each other. I took on more of a family helping role, and so did he, and in some ways we balanced it out. It distracted us both.

But my priority at the moment was getting ready for Laurel’s book party, and nothing was going to stop me from that.

I walked into the bookstore, scanning it briefly before laying eyes on Steven, Tate, Conrad, and Jeremiah. I smiled as I weaved through all the people Susannah had invited, collapsing onto Jeremiah and Steven.

“Ew, get off! I’m not cheating on Shay with your filthy ass!” I gasped, mocking offense as I moved to squeeze in between the two. I felt Jeremiah’s eyes on me, and when I looked up, my heart stopped. His eyes were so clear, so open, so blue. I’d never seen eyes like Jeremiah Fisher’s.

“You look good.” He muttered, looking over my head towards Steven. I let myself have a small smile before realizing who I was next to.

“You know, this shit is so boring. Can we go somewhere?” Conrad turned his head to face us. Jeremiah chuckled.

“Yeah, where?” Steven looked up from his phone.

“We could go into town, I don’t know, buy some weed from that guy with the Rainbow Dash tattoo.” Jeremiah suggested.

“He got arrested last summer.” I piped up, remembering the chaos that had spread throughout the Cousins teens. Nicole had told me about it.

Jeremiah groaned, head falling back. “Oh shit, really?” Steven chuckled.

“Yeah, I remember.” He looked at us. “You know, we could go to the drive in.” 

I sat up. “Nah uh. Belly would fuck you guys up if she saw you.” 

Tate laughed. “Dude, gross, no. I don’t wanna watch Belly hooking up with some kid in the back of a mini van.” Jeremiah playfully reatched.

I rolled my eyes. “Oh yeah, because none of you thought of doing that yourselves.” Steven was on high alert at my comment.

“None of y’all get to touch my sister.” He pointed around, causing Tate to hold his hands up.

Conrad looked towards us and spoke up again. “Yo actually,” he thought about it for a moment. “Let’s go to the drive-in.” I sighed, standing up.

“No, no way. You guys aren’t crashing Belly’s date.” I waved my hands around. Jeremiah laughed.

“Sammy, it’s fine.” A red hot fire blazed, crawling up my throat.

“Jeremiah Fisher. If we all had crashed your first time with whatever that girls name was, you would have fucked us all up. So you’re gonna leave Belly in peace, or I swear to God all four of you are gonna be in a living hell tomorrow.” I spit, watching Jeremiah’s face turn white. Whatever good terms we’d been on had been destroyed, and my words had gone to waste either way.

Conrad got up and tossed Steven the keys. They lugged up Tate and told Jeremiah they’d meet him by the car. I bit the inside of my cheek, storming out without thinking.

I’d walked a couple feet before I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and stepped back, faced with Jeremiah Fisher. He’d always worn his emotions on his sleeve, and they were evident right now. His eyes weren’t sturdy like they had been, they looked soft, broken. Like he’d lost his sense of direction.

“You told me you’d never tell them.” He whispered, voice cracking. “I trusted you because you said you would never tell anyone, and you told them!” I stepped back, anger coursing through my veins.

“I trusted you before too, Jeremiah. And look where that got us.” My words were harsh, and I regretted them immediately, but I couldn’t do anything about it. Jeremiah’s face fell and he stepped back, letting go off my shoulder.

“I only said those things to protect you. I didn’t want to hurt you. I would never hurt you, Sam.” He pleaded, stopping me from continuing on my way.

“Well you did. And it’s too late, Fisher.” My voice was steel, and I hated the way I spoke, hated the words I said. “Whatever we had before? It’s gone.”

I jumped off my bike and let it lay to the side, walking through the country club doors and smiling at the receptionist. “Hello, Mrs. Dupont. It’s been a while.” I nodded. My mom and dad were members of the club. We used to come here a lot, but ever since mom, dad hasn’t bothered. We always kept our membership though.

“Call me Sam. Mrs. Dupont is my grandma.” I was surprised by how fancy everyone was acting. This was Cousins. Then again, Cousins was changing. I walked towards the pool, my sandals making the softest noise against the floor. I’d worn a white bikini, something I’m sure Belly would call skimpy. On top was a sundress, one of my moms. It had swirls in small patterns. She’d loved it.

I dropped my bag by a lounge and let someone lay out a towel. I pulled off my sundress and took out my Warriors cap.

Kids were swimming and splashing in the pool. Jeremiah was sitting in a lifeguard chair, talking to Gigi. One of his many admirers. He and I were acting civil, and it was weird. Almost like we were friends again. And maybe that was what compelled me to run towards him and ruffle his hair, jumping with only half the strength basketball had given me.

“Hey, princess.” Jere smiled down at me, leaning back again. I rolled my eyes at the nickname. When we were kids, he’d called me spring. 

“Hello, Jeremiah.” I kicked off my sandals and took of my cap, placing it on his chair before diving in. The water was cool, and I’d measured my surroundings so I wouldn’t bump into any kids. That seemed to happen a lot around here. When I’d resurfaced Jere was sitting on the diving board, talking to another girl I didn’t recognize. And a feeling I didn’t comprehend flew through me, a mix of anger and almost fear. My brain clicked and all my feelings slipped into place, just in time to see Steven scare Jeremiah.

The two were talking, while Steven took off his hairnet. I swam over towards them and easily pushed myself out of the pool. “Hey, Steven.” I patted his shoulder, knowing he’d be pissed that I’d gotten his uniform wet.

“Hands off the expensive clothes, Sam.” Steven backed away, leaving Jeremiah and I laughing. Jeremiah pulled his friend back to him and I went off to grab a towel. When I came back, they were pointing at people. Soon enough I gathered they were talking about Jere’s hookups. I’d been gone two years. Even before that, all the girls wanted to be noticed by a Fisher. Clearly, lots of them had been, although not in ways they wanted to be.

Steven slapped Jeremiah’s chest, choking on his drink. “Dude, you’re such a slut, man.” Jeremiah seemed hurt. He was sensitive, easily annoyed, although he technically was one in all other terms.

“Okay, I just like to kiss. And be cozy with people.” The two looked at each other before staring out in silence. I wasn’t a virgin, in any terms. The past two years I needed ways to distract myself, and when basketball wasn’t enough, I’d promised I would never drink. Or get high. So the simplest solution was what Jeremiah had done.

When I watched their gaze I saw them staring at Shayla. She looked beautiful in a black and white dress, wearing a red fascinator and heels. Her sun glasses and bag complimented the look, and reminded me that I needed to talk to Paige about becoming a deb.

I heard something about Steven going to help out the debs and looked over at Jeremiah. “Jere, I know we aren’t friends, or even on decent terms. But please tell me you have a hair tie, and a way I can make my hair look decent.” Jeremiah’s expression changed for a moment before he nodded surely, back into his easy smile.

“Sure. Just follow me.” I grabbed my bag, hat, and sandals, doing a little skip after the boy most would call my oldest friend.

Within ten minutes Jeremiah Fisher had worked his magic. My hair was done in two simple braids and my sundress looked decently appropriate for the occasion. My sandals were debatable, and so was the fact that I didn’t have a fascinator. But Paige had known my mom, and when I let Jeremiah walk off I was at least partially confident in myself to be able to convince her to let me be a deb.

I entered the room, faced with all the girls I’d grown up with. When Paige saw me she smiled, weaving through the tables and air-kissing the way she would my mom. 

“Your dad called last night. Nicole has a fascinator, you’re at table two.” She backed away for a moment, taking a second to look at me. “You look gorgeous.”

I smiled, twirling. Most of the girls were scared of Paige, but I remembered when I was a little kid, and my mom used to bring her in to take care of me. She’d always have me run a fashion show. Paige had loved my mother. Everyone had.

“Thank you,” I strode toward my table, bending down to hug Nicole and Shayla. I sat down and greeted the girls politely. None of them were really my friends, other then Shayla and Nicole.

“So, what happened last night?” Shayla looked over at me. I groaned theatrically, pretending to faint.

“Well, Laurel killed us. Conrad spent the day hungover, and-“ just as I was about to tell them about Belly being a deb, she walked in. Jeremiah held her arm and the two were laughing. I felt my heart rush, beating faster every breath, and forced myself to calm down. I didn’t know why I was jealous, especially not when Belly’s face fell.

I watched Paige approach the pair and at some point in the conversation, Belly slapped Jeremiah. Then Jere had stolen a treat from a table, Paige had left, and Belly walked towards us.

Jeremiah turned around and caught my eye before leaving. He held up his pinky and winked. I held back a smile at his memory, holding up my pinky. But he was already gone.

Belly sat in between Shayla and Nicole. “Hi.” She smiled awkwardly. I faced her easily.

“Hey, Bells.” I grinned. Shayla turned towards the brunette, greeting her before noticing the bruise below her eye. It was from the other night.

Shayla, the sweetest, kindest, nicest, best friend anyone could ever ask for, took out a sponge and started dabbing concealer onto Belly’s bruise. I felt a warm feeling spread through me and offered Shayla a slight hug when she was done.

“So, why’d you decide to deb, Sam?” Nicole asked jokingly, a warm smile on her face.

I rolled my eyes, leaning back. “Oh, for the experience Nicky!” My voice rose, causing everyone else to laugh. Steven appeared beside Shayla and I, pouring tea into my cup then Shayla’s.

“I told my mom the only way I would do this is if I could bring my girlfriend, cause I thought it would be a deal killer, but the club has been surprisingly chill about the whole thing.” Marisa nodded in a confused manner.

Dara grinned. “I’m honestly shocked.” Everyone agreed, and I leaned away from Steven as Shayla whispered into his ear. I didn’t need to be involved in any relationships.

“Literally, Dara, I was expecting a conversion camp to spring out of the bushes.” Dara grinned at Marisa’s antics. “No. Lesbians and debutantes, are like, a completely juxtaposing idea!”

“Opposites.” Gigi remarked.

Nicole, forever the reason within the group, butt in. “Yeah, but Cousins likes to pretend to be woke.” Her voice was calm. “Trust me, my family deals with it constantly.”

I leaned forward, elbows on the table the way Paige would have been horrified to correct me for. “Imagine living with me.” My hands flailed. “Racists, homophobes, everywhere you look! This one time, a man knocked on our door to get us to sign a petition that prevented gays from entering the neighborhood.” Marissa sighed.

“The things we do for collage applications.” Marisa shook her head.

Shayla smiled at her. “Don’t worry Marisa. You’ll get in everywhere.” Belly perked up for the first time in the whole conversation.

“Wait, where are you applying?” She leaned forward. I knew where Marisa was applying, we were all doing the same eventually. Ivy Leagues and all. I’d wanted to go to the University of Chicago my whole life, and my mom was upset it wasn’t Harvard.

“You know, the usual. Every Ivy besides Cornell.” Marisa remarked like it was normal. I grinned. In her life, it probably was. Belly’s? Not so much.

“Ithaca is so bleak.” Gigi chimed. Everyone laughed in ways only debutantes did.

I stood up and excused myself, walking out towards the bathroom.

My parents were rich. Always had been. I’d grown up in clubs, the biggest houses in Boston. Different vacation homes in different countries. But we’d always come back to Cousins.

I went to public school. Tate and I had convinced our parents years ago. I played basketball instead of tennis. My parents didn’t mind. Sometimes I was alright with fancy things, and other times I hated it. My mom wanted to give me a balance either way.

I hadn’t played basketball in days. I needed my own way out. So instead of finding a court I found a bathroom, and sat in a stall. Before I knew it my grief had consumed me, biting at my body and tearing my limbs apart. I sat in that stall and let a fire burn, a fire I’d thought was put out, silent sobs racking my body. And in some weird way, it felt good.

The country club was my mom’s thing. The deb scene, the tennis games. She used to come out here almost every day. She’d grown up around it, and no matter how much she hated her parents, she would never be able to hate the club.

I walked back into the room right before Paige started talking, narrowly sliding into my seat. Belly glanced at me briefly, gestured to my eyes, and that was all I needed to dab at them slightly. Belly gave me a thumbs up before we all faced Paige.

“Now, I understand that some of you may think dabbing is outdated.” She had a warm smile on her face. “It’s something you’re doing to appease your families.” I took a sharp breath, holding it in before she continued.

My mom had loved the debutantes. She’d been one herself, and she volunteered whenever she could. She and Susannah loved teasing Laurel about it, always to a limit. They knew Laurel was uncomfortable talking about things like that.

Shayla took out a flask and started pouring some into her tea, passing it on to me. When I got the flask, I declined, handing it over to Gigi easily. I didn’t drink. Sometimes, when I got out of control. But I avoided it. Alcohol wasn’t a friend of my family.

When Paige told us to say find our big sister, I playfully bowed at Nicole and let her talk to Belly. I watched as something caught my best friend’s eye and she excused herself, doing a little jog out of the room.

I turned to watch her fly through the door before facing my friends. “So, Gigi. How’s Jeremiah again?” Dara teased, flourishing her hands. Gigi sighed.

“No matter what I do, he isn’t interested.” I felt a small flush of relief and I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. What had gotten into me? Jeremiah Fisher and I were civil acquaintances, and the only reason we got along was because of the other night.

“Ask Sam. She and Jeremiah were friends for ages, were they not?” Marisa flashed her gaze at me before looking at Gigi.

I hesitated, shifting in my seat. “Yeah. Jeremiah and I don’t get along too well anymore.” I shrugged, leaning towards Shayla in a plea for help.

I took a deep breath, opening my eyes and rubbing the sleep out of them. I was in the most familiar place possible, yet everything felt out of place. Jeremiah’s room was always messy, but that’s what I loved about it. It looked lived-in, it looked used. My room looked like a cleaning lady came in twice a week, except that cleaning lady was me.

I rolled over and hugged the blanket to myself, snuggling deeper under the covers. I felt a bit of an ache in my chest when I completely registered Jeremiah wasn't in the room, and shook it off immediately. He didn't even need to do anything last night, but he did. I should be grateful for that. A paper caught my eye on the bedside table and I flipped over to grab it. It was a simple note, scrawled in Jere’s messy handwriting. It said to meet him downstairs, that I could borrow a shirt and shorts if I wanted. Folded next to the note was a Cousins t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts. 

I swung my legs out of bed and pulled down the top of my overalls, tugging off my shirt and grabbing Jere’s. Its fabric was soft and I got lost in its smell, watermelons and the ocean. And if I took a deep breathe, I could smell a hint of vanilla. Jeremiah never changed.

The shirt was huge on me, but it was comfortable. I kicked off my overalls and grabbed Jeremiah’s shorts. They hung so low on my hips that they fell. I pulled on the strings and tied them tight, still causing the shorts to hang low.

My hair was still in braids and I let it stay that way. I stood and stepped over all the clothes on Jere’s floor, pushing open the door to the room and walking out. Surprisingly enough no one was in the hallway, although the amount of people staying here was always making that a surprise.

I took a few steps downstairs, twirling into the living room to see Conrad in the couch. “Connie! Good morning!” I knelt down to kiss him on the head. Conrad swatted at me and I laughed, feeling giddy with a bubbly feeling I didn’t recognize.

“Shut up. My head hurts.” He groaned, covering his face with a pillow. I giggled, striding into the kitchen. Steven was peering over Jeremiah’s shoulder. I smiled at the two. Jere seemed to be cooking, and Laurel was sitting at the counter on her laptop.

“All right, seriously, Steven. Get out.” Jere turned, waving a spatula in his friend’s face. I giggled joining Laurel at the counter. “This is a delicate science, and your heavy breathing is going to break the yolk.” Steven scoffed, still grinning as he walked away reluctantly.

“Good morning.” I turned to Laurel to hug her, but last night hit me like a tidal wave and it took everything I had to turn around and face Jeremiah.

“Morning.” Jeremiah called over his shoulder. Steven patted me on the shoulder when Laurel continued talking.

“She hasn’t painted you since you were little. I think it’d be nice to have these portraits, for when you’re older.” I lifted my head, thinking. Susannah was a painter, and she was good at it. When we were kids she’d painted us a few times. Tate and I had hung back, but she refused to let us leave the house till we let her paint us. She’d helped us feel accepted more in that moment than all the years before that.

“Is she gonna paint Tate and I?” I asked, still watching Jeremiah. I saw Laurel nod out of the corner of my eye.

“She wanted to paint Angela too.” I jolted at my sister’s name, sitting up immediately and searching for my phone.

“Fuck! J’ai oublié!” I spit out the last part in French as a default, hurrying upstairs and bursting into Jere’s room. I searched the pockets of my overalls for my phone, pulling it out and ignoring the stream of texts till I was back downstairs.

The blender was whirring when I’d sat back down and I looked at my father’s texts. Nothing. My friends were freaking out from my lack of responses, so I reassured them. I didn’t have too many close friends. Just a few teammates and the people in this house. Everyone else had left after my mom.

“I called your dad.” Laurel told me once I’d dropped the phone on the counter. I glanced at her and mouthed a ‘thank you’ before slamming my head on the marble. “And just sit for your portraits. I don’t see Conrad complaining.” She gestured towards the brunette who was almost passed out on the couch.

Jere poured his hangover smoothie into a glass and brought it to Conrad. “He’ll complain when he’s conscious.” Jeremiah handed the smoothie to his brother, gentle like he always was. Steven, on the other hand, was cranky.

“Come on, man. Hurry your ass up.” He started heading towards the table. “All right? I can’t be late for my first day of work.” I hopped up myself, as Jeremiah and Steven handled their little bro handshake.

“I’m gonna go. Thanks, Jeremiah.” I smiled at him, or at least gave him a trace of one, before facing Steven. “And if my brother shows up, just drive him to his job.” Laurel waved as I left.I saw Belly on the way and gave her a hug, letting her wonder what I was doing there. I shut the front door behind me, walking towards my own house, my own family, and my own problems.

I’d cooked some breakfast for Angela and my dad, cleaned through the house, and done a bit of school work. Tate was at the country club with Jeremiah and Steven, so I didn’t really have much to do.

I took out my phone and clicked on Conrad’s texts. He’d texted me a few hours ago, and so had Jeremiah. Both were a surprise.

conrad ☀️

Belly's a deb

sam

no way

conrad ☀️

I swear

It's some weird shit

sam

i can tell

maybe i should be a deb

conrad ☀️

Oh great

sam

for my mom, yknow

conrad ☀️

Good luck, Samantha

jeremiah fisher

your clothes are at mine, but no ones home

you can pick them up whenever

sam

thanks

where's belly, susannah, and laurel?

jeremiah fisher

shopping

sam

for what?

oh yeah

connie said belly's a deb

jeremiah fisher

yup

you wanna come by the club?

sam

sure

i'll be there in 30

read at 11:16