#tdwh

That Dog Won’t Hunt is a… sci-fi / western / romance / tragedy book that is a sort of passion project of mine. For the longest time, I had thought I would never write it, and that these idiot cowboys would only exist in my head, but I recently decided to actually write it! I’ll probably just publish it here or on AO3 or wherever.

The title is a southern phrase - it means ‘that won’t happen’, essentially. It also has to do with a lot of the themes and characters that I can’t really delve into without spoiling too much!

But, essentially, here’s the story: Dakota Caldwell is a wandering vagrant with no prospects and nothing to call their own. A cowfolk in the 1800s that has no impact on history or the world at large - or so they thought. One day, they’re suddenly followed by a stranger, a weird man without a name who insists he has to stay by their side and protect them, no matter what. He says they were sent to prevent Dakota’s death, which would lead to another civil war.

Dakota thinks it’s all bullshit, but they can’t stop the odd man despite their best efforts.

Especially since he’s an android sent from the future.

Here is the introductory post for Dakota, and one for Hunter, the android! And their relationship!

1. Howmy Muse acts differently around their love interest(s)

Well, for Lavellan this is mostly the same as it is for Kel in previous asks. She’s more open with her emotions and overall friendlier out of the gate. For Solas, his behaviour is more... conflicted, I suppose. He feels drawn in by Lavellan but also hesitant, for a lot of reasons, and his conflicted impulses towards honesty and secrecy give him emotional whiplash sometimes.

2. Whatmy Muse admires about their love interest(s)

Lavellan admires Solas’ desire to do good and fix things, even despite all the issues that have come from it. She also admires that he takes responsibility for his wrongdoings, although by that same token, she wishes he would carry on along that road and get to the point where he therefor stops trying to do most things on his own. Solas admires... man it’d probably be shorter to list what he doesn’t admire about Lavellan. Her tenacity, her compassion, her skill... he’s a big fan.

3. Whatsort of daydreams / stray thoughts they have about their love interest(s)

Lavellan’s tend to veer more towards the sorrowful in TDWH, because at first she doesn’t know if she’ll ever see Solas again, and then she finds out he’s the Dread Wolf, and that’s... complicated. She tends to hear his voice in her thoughts, when she’s not actively avoiding thinking about him. Meanwhile Solas’ sentimentality waxes more towards the ‘in another life’ type, where, should he indulge in daydreams, they will usually be about how much simpler all of this would be if only his life wasn’t an ever-increasing series of disasters.

4. Theirworries/insecurities regarding their love interest(s)

Lavellan’s chief worry is that Solas is going to get himself and everyone else killed. She’s somewhat more worried about him getting himself killed, though, because up until we tread into AU territory, she has more faith than him in the resilience of the world at large. Solas... is just a giant cauldron of issues, not limited to thinking he’s personally unworthy and also cursed.

5. Howthey express their interest/affection prior to a relationship

Conversation, and casual physical contact! Especially since this is mostly when Solas is a wolf, and therefore dog-like enough for casual cuddles. But they both like to talk, and share their thoughts, and try to work out problems via discussion, so that’s mostly the name of the game.

6. Howthey go about confessing their attraction

Well, normally, Lavellan is pretty straight-forward and prone to making impulsive gestures (like just kissing someone in the Fade), while Solas... doesn’t. As a rule. Obviously he’s made something of an exception in this case, so they go with Lavellan’s approach, for the most part.

7. Howthey respond to a confession of attraction

Lavellan just kind of like ‘yay it’s reciprocated!’ whereas Solas thinks himself in circles. And usually kisses her, too. He’s kind of bad at this, for all his smooth-talking.

9. Anyphysical/emotional/mental/spiritual feature(s) they find attractive

Both of them are kind of attracted to the same things. Spirit. Determination. Solas is drawn in by Lavellan’s resolve towards problem-solving, too, which he finds comforting even as he kind of disbelieves it. And Lavellan likes Solas’ softer points very much.

13. Waysmy Muse seduces (or tries to) their love interest(s)

Once the ball gets rolling, Solas is good at seduction. Secluded locations, subtle invitations, considerate overtures - he knows the elements that work, and how to balance them as best he can against any presumptions or inequities that might arise, so that Lavellan doesn’t feel trapped. Not that she generally goes anyway, barring certain AU’s. Her approach is usually more straight-forward and tactile, with certain kinds of looks, and touches, or even just blunt ‘let’s go have sex’ type propositions.

14. MyMuse’s attitude towards sex and when/how to bring it up with their partner(s)

Solas’ attitude towards sex has been, for a while, that he probably shouldn’t have it, because none of his potential partners would actually be able to freely consent to it. This has recently changed for him, so he’s shifted his approach somewhat towards ‘might be possible, but tread carefully’. Lavellan is also a big fan of communication, though she’s pretty good at reading non-verbal cues and situational context.

15. Thedifferences between lust and love for my Muse

I always have trouble with this question, because it seems like a pretty clear separation of categories to me? Lust is just wanting to have sex with someone. Both Solas and Lavellan are pretty good at ignoring that impulse, in and of itself, and both would probably tend to do just that. Their lives are complicated, and they come from positions of power and influence - albeit, no longer recognized in the timeline they’re occupying circa TDWH. Love is attachment, and connection, and a desire for more than just a roll in the hay.

16. MyMuse’s kinks and how they would bring them up to their partners), if at all

Ah... hmm. Well. Solas, provided he is not possessed by a malevolent Old God he’s fighting at every turn, mostly just has a praise kink and a thing for mutual enjoyment. Not terribly risque. Lavellan’s flexible and willing to try stuff out but she doesn’t exactly have a huge repertoire of kinks from the outset. So probably they would just be figuring stuff out together, as they went along, and if one of them wanted to try something, they’d talk about it. Possibly while in passionate embrace, possibly sometime before they stage, depending on how big of a deal the proposition would be compared to their usual activities.

17. MyMuse’s sexual fantasies regarding their partner(s)

Lavellan would probably like to top the heck out of Solas at some point. Just turn him into a veritable puddle of submissive orgasmic bliss. Solas... would not object. Though for the most part, their fantasies tend to run more towards the ‘what if we had normal lives, wouldn’t that be neat, what if we were just, like, bakers or something’ line of things. Like, even the sexy ones are probably a bit of ‘okay so I’m a humble blacksmith and you’re my neighbour who just ordered some new pots and pans, and we’ve been flirting on and off for months and things finally come to a head while you’re picking up your delivery and I go back home with you...’

18. Howmy Muse shows their love for their partner(s) non-verbally/through actions

Dramatic life-saving type things aside, Lavellan usually demonstrates her affection through sheer presence. She hangs around, offers physical contact, or reassuring words. That sort of a thing. Solas makes romantic gestures by way of artwork, a lot, and is similarly inclined to just kind of... hang out.

20. Anypet names my Muse has or would call their partner(s)

Apart from ‘vhenan’ or ‘my love’ type stuff, neither of them are prone to this.

21. Howmy Muse would comfort their partner

Mourning Howls is the name of the main relationship in That Dog Won’t Hunt, being Hunter/Dakota. Where did that name come from? Well, I can’t really tell you too much without spoiling!

But I can tell you a few fun tidbits about the ship that I find delightful.

At first glance, it seems very “sun and moon” esque. Which is true, but not the way you think!

With Hunter dressing in all blacks, often scowling, and having blue assigned to him, and Dakota is all smiles and friendly physical affection and jokes and laughter, with red assigned to them, you’d think Hunter is the moon and Dakota is the sun, but nope! Dakota is very much a pessimistic and broken down person who puts on a facade of a happy go lucky guy to keep up appearances, but they feel hopeless and have very few genuine moments of excitement or care for many things beyond those close to them. Hunter however, when he gets close to someone, is very smiley and chattery and has a lot of interests and smiles a lot and cares so so deeply it’s absurd. Like, ABSURD.

Hunter falls first, but Dakota falls so much harder.

Also, here’s a fun tidbit I wrote in my discord of them way later in the story!

Hunter Warren, or JC-19, is an android sent from the future to prevent the death of one Dakota Caldwell! (He actually does not have a given name, Dakota eventually names him that so they don’t have to call him “hey you” anymore.) This is their last mission after multiple previous successful ones. It’s quite simple: prevent Dakota from being killed, or else a civil war happens down the line!

The company that created Hunter is one that looks for flaws / possible branches in the timeline and sends androids to ensure it stays intact, and that it leads to the thriving future they enjoy. They use a mixture of mechanics and organic / pseudo organic matter to create their androids, and they work spectacularly! They can appear human in so many ways, it’s almost uncanny. Just don’t look too close, or you’ll see the lack of pores or the cameras in their eyes!

Androids have very limited rights. They have “rights”. They are not quite treated as property anymore, due to them having organic / pseudo organic parts, but they are not treated well. There is no retirement plan or anything like that for them. They can’t vote, or move, or get married without permission from an entire jury. Sucks to suck!

The head case worker that created Hunter thought it would be interesting to use brain matter belonging to an autistic individual for his processor, so she basically created a being with autism and then sent him on high stress missions. How fun!

Hunter’s face is often one of neutral displeasure, and his tone frequently sounds annoyed or bored. He never learned how to properly smile, so it honestly looks more like a threat display of his teeth when he tries. He is usually very still and stares very hard.

But when he is genuinely happy or excited, his smiles are blindingly bright and wide, and he cannot seem to keep still. Very few people get to see this side of him, as he is a business-first type person. (Well, not person. Robot.)

Hunter chose his appearance, unlike previous missions, so he is quite happy with it. It was very purposeful. Little design notes for him:

- Glasses: Hunter does not need glasses, as he has enhanced vision. But he likes the aesthetics of them, so he purposefully chooses to wear little circular silver glasses.

- Fangs: yep, Hunter has canine-like teeth! He was not given too many weapons to keep a low profile, and his case workers knew he’d be in more close-quarters combat for this mission, so they gave him sharpened teeth! Makes his smile even more unsettling.

- Eyes: On the surface, Hunter has normal steel blue eyes. However, when you get closer, you can see that they are cameras, with the iris / pupil serving as the lense. There is a small gap between the iris and the false sclera, where you can see a hint of his inner circuits and a light! That light in particular changes color depending on his mood, so although his expressions are usually blank, you can tell very easily how he’s really feeling thanks to his built-in mood ring! (I’m working on a key for his mood colors currently.)

- Beauty mark: Hunter has a beauty mark on his right cheek, below his eye! He based it on a human he greatly admired.

- Clothing: He dresses rather strangely, with mostly sleek-black pieces that are long and flowing. He wears elbow-length gloves, a long, flowing cloak, and a dorky circular-brimmed hat. He blends in well at night, but stands out in the day.

Description? Kinda?:

- Korean American, with slicked-back black hair and steel blue eyes. His eyes are actually cameras, and you can see the lights of his circuits within his head in the gaps between the lense. (Between his iris and sclera) These lights work as a mood ring, and you can always blatantly tell how he’s feeling. They only turn pink for Dakota. Wears circular silver glasses and wears lots of black. A large, wide-brimmed black hat, long black cloaks, black gloves. Appears lithe and thin, but packs quite a punch. Covers up a majority of his body with clothing.

What can Hunter do?

Great question! Here’s a list of a few common questions you can ask him on what he can and cannot do.

Picrew(s):

(To be updated as I create more, this one is not completely accurate)

Not much I can say about Dakota Caldwell without spoiling the story! They are a vagrant who wanders the chihuahuan desert without any sense of direction or purpose. (They don’t even realize they’re non-binary until partway through the story)

They are marked for death, according to a strange man from the future, apparently at the hands of an old friend. They refuse to believe it.

Dakota has a lot of long-term friends he visits from time to time, who are the supporting cast of the story!

There’s the barkeep Miss Parks, showgirl Julianna Kent, Sheriff Jamie Hoffman, cattle rancher Ralph Warren (not related to Hunter), and doctor Mack Ortega!

(There’s also the Holloway Gang, the antagonists of the story. There’s leader Anton Holloway, cleanup expert Rowan Graves, the brute Harrison Hewitt, sharpshooter Clifton Cassidy, and scapegoat Micah Becker! There’s a few other mysterious figures, like the enigmatic wanderer named “Medea”.)

Design note:

- Hat and Bandana: They are never without their hat, but especially not their bandana. It covers up a scar on their neck, and serves as a sort of emotional support article of clothing.

Description? Kinda?:

- Half Caucasian half Mexican, more stocky with quite a bit of muscle mass. On the shorter side, about 5’5”. They have scruffy facial hair and lots of little scars, including one they cover up with a red bandana around their neck. They have brown eyes and lighter brown hair, always looks tired and a bit older than they actually are bc of stress and time spent out in the sun. Hair is greying already, and is often wild and untamed under their hat. Wears lots of hand-me down or even stolen / thrown out old clothing.

Picrew:

(May change, not completely accurate)

Loopjuice

That was answered here for LoopJuice Beetlejuice himself!

Lydia, Ash, Delia, Barbara, and Adam are all the same. Primary English, minimal bits of other languages. All fairly adept in ASL now for autism shutdowns within the family.

Charles is, of course, English and a good amount of ASL, but also some rusty, business-forward German and Japanese. Because business! (/ref)

Deb primarily uses English and is getting rusty on demonic, but she’s really fluent and conversational in French! A few members of her Cult are French-Canadian, and they’re teaching her French for funzies.

If Bela could communicate psychically, she would. She knows English and demonic well, but she hates speaking and doesn’t practice much else than what’s necessary. She’s picking up a little French from Deb. Her first language was demonic, which is actually fairly uncommon now, so she sometimes has a hard time translating her thoughts to English.

Larry is a well-read demon. They love to read and learn, and spent a lot of their youth alone with books. They know quite a few languages on paper, but in practice is a completely different story. They know English, demonic, ASL, and Spanish very very well and fluently, but everything else they would absolutely flop in conversationally. They theoretically know Latin, French, German, Korean, Russian, and Japanese, but have never genuinely practiced them with someone else.

Cyrus knows English, no demonic. Used to know Gaelic to be able to trick people when he was alive, but he hasn’t practiced it in years.

That Dog Won’t Hunt

Dakota Caldwell - English and Spanish!! Their mother was from Mexico, and although they didn’t get to spend much time with her, their father ensured they knew quite a bit about her language and culture. Also bits of Mandarin from Ms. Parks, mostly swear words she shouts at them. Some bits of different Native American languages from tribes they encounter on their travels, too!

Hunter - he’s programmed to know just about any language, but most of them have been deleted from his system for storage purposes. Only the ones deemed necessary for this mission were kept. English and Spanish, some various Native American languages and some Mandarin, as well as Gaelic and German. He kept Korean in his system as per his personal request, but he doesn’t use it.

Anton Holloway - English and Spanish. He doesn’t really have time to learn much else, nor does he care to.

Julianna Kent- Just English fluently, but learns Spanish and Mandarin from Dakota and Ms. Parks for fun! She can’t hold a conversation in either quite yet, but she’s working on it!

Ms. Parks - Mandarin was her first language, and she taught it to her kids right away. She keeps her culture and identity as an important fixture in her life. English very well, she used to try to keep out any accent, but now she does not care.

Jamie Hoffman - their father was Native American, although I haven’t fully researched what tribe / language yet. They learned that alongside English, but primarily use English now. Just learned Spanish within the last five years for their job.

Ralph Warren and Dr. Mack Ortega - boring, basic English only. Mack knows some Spanish for his patients, but not fluently.

Rowan Graves, Micah Becker, Harrison Hewitt - basic English and Spanish, but not too good in either. (Aside from Rowan, they’re very well-spoken) They’re outlaws, they don’t have time for learning and such!