#tdde

Alright, let's wrap this up so I can tackle the hulking beast that is the dance marathon episode. L&R are driving home from Boston. Lorelai is seething with anger because Sherry is pregnant and threatens to swerve into oncoming traffic and kill herself and Rory in a firey wreck. (It's clarified a moment later that she's quoting a movie and Rory thankfully understands the reference, but with how irrational Lorelai's been acting lately, she honestly coulda had me fooled).

Haha look they just did that thing where someone says the name of the episode in the episode L&R spend the remainder of the drive home shit talking about the other women at the shower, talking about how sloshed they were, and how Sherry knows a lot of stuff about things like how to navigate the city she lives in.

I Yahoo'd. There's no Garvey Avenue in Boston. The closest Garvey Avenue is in Buffalo, NY. Or there's a Marcus Garvey Avenue in New York.

Lorelai bemoans the fact that she didn't spend near enough time rifling through Sherry's personal belongings (and then complains that Rory went back and fixed the mess she made). Rory advises her to "let it go." (twice) Thank you Rory.

How dare a pregnant woman speak about the father of her child. (I can't believe I'm defending Sherry's right to discuss Crusty... but come on Lorelai).

I just hope your Dad somehow fell face first into a garbage truck and was pulverised into a fine Crusty pulp.

Girlypop here just took a swipe at an innocent unborn fetus. Fetus Gigi never asked to be concieved by Crusty and Sherry, leave her alone. Anyway I think we all know what happens next.

How'd you like it if someone vandalized something you worked so hard to afford? Oh that's right you've never had a job or a car and you also don't put out. So why was this Rory's idea? Why aren't we egging Dean's car? What did Jess do to her recently that she thinks he deserves this? Look, I'm just trying to pick apart her motivations here. I think it's one half "I'm salty he's hooking up with Shane" and one half "I'll suggest anything that would please my Mommy and make her stop quoting movie lines about murder-suicide while I'm her passenger." If this is about Shane, all she has to do is wait another week or so and Shane will be dead anyway. Lorelai's motivation is a lot more simple. She has the maturity level of an 12 year old boy and that's an insult to immature pre teen boys everywhere.

Lorelai declare's Rory idea immature and puts up some moderate resistance but goes along with it anyway. Do you think Jess ever figured out who did it? I mean, he's a smart cookie. He can figure out that only a few people hate him enough to target him. One being a grown ass adult woman and the other being teenage boy. And Jess knows that even Dean has better things to do.

At some point in the 9 months he dated Rory he must've asked "Hey remember when I walked outside to find my car covered in smelly eggs? There are only like 50 people living in this town, ever hear anything about that?" It's fine, it's fine. Lorelai's nephew in the 2020's after publishing a string of best selling novels and achieving elite status in the authoring world:

Throw them eggs, ladies. Karma won't come back to slap you at all.

The Rory Gilmore who actually had a small reserve of aggressiveness and potential destructiveness died all the way back in season 1. "There's no real reason to do what we're about to do, just make up a motivation" is peak Gilly Girls.

Someone egged his cawr. My poor munchkin.

Luke is the best.

*searches "Jess Mariano Soapy Carwash" on PornHub*

This is going to be a short one because I need as much room as possible for the next scene (if you don't know what it is, you'll know soon) so let's get this out of the way. Lorelai begins to stew in a jealous rage over Sherry and Crusty's Relation-Shit. . So she escapes to the bathroom, where she opens Sherry's medicine cabinet, tilts her picture frames and yanks some towels off the wall.

Okay Lorelai but that was the only thing Sherry got right about the little scheme she hatched to kidnap Rory (again).

A custody battle has broken out out between Sherry and Lorelai as they fight over who gets custody of Rory on weekends, like she's 4 years old or the class hamster. ( as if Rory isn't 18 years old and as if this Creepy Sherry person has any say in absolutely anything ever on Earth). Mini Lorelai Jr. here is a pathological people pleaser and it's pretty much 95% Lorelai Senior's fault she ended up this way, that's why she agrees to everything. Wait, why is Lorelai suddenly taking her anger out on Rory? What is happening? But on the other hand, please, Rory... GROW A SPINE. I'm begging you.

Okay, NOW what crazy nonsense baloney are you on about, woman? Please. Enlighten us on why you wished this unborn child who is not biologically related to you in any way and holds aboslutely no fucking signifiance in your life should have been a boy.

Can I have a donut too? *yoink* Thank you. So much going on with this outfit. Wardrobe Dept : Layers, people! I WANT TO SEE MORE LAYERS! AND I WANT THAT VEST TO BE PUFFY! And make sure his shirt has a skull on it too cause the chicks dig that. Milo:

Jess informs Luke he has to run "errands" before school and the thought of this small infant kitten making a run to the post office to buy stamps and dropping by the laundromat before homeroom is just a delightful image. Of course we know where he's actually going. To toil in the Walmart Mines. But first, coffee and a donut and some petty theft.

This is such a great line. Perfect sassy delivery. Perfect comedic timing. Totally under rated quip that rarely ends up in anyone's little edits and I don't know why. So under rated that I forgot about it. Luke and Jess are the best.

He can steal a little bit. As a treat.

There goes my teenage nephew. Off to his Gigolo Job. Sexually servicing the horny lonely women (men?) of The Hollow. I'd really love to know who Luke thought Jess had as his clientele in Stars Hollow. Miss Patty?

*shudder* Luke goes to Gypsy's auto shop to confirm that Jess' car purchase was legit. She can't confirm the source of his cash flow. Not satisfied with the answer, Luke goes home to nose around some more and commit some serious violation of Jess' privacy by rifling through his underwear drawer, where he finds a mysterious box. I'm not clear what he's looking for. Money? Is he looking for the $10 Jess took out of the register? Kiss it goodbye Luke, it's gone. Probably already spent on a copy of Maxim and some Jergens. (Rebecca Romjin Stamos was on the cover of Maxim in November 2002, by the way. What other Gilmore Girls Watcher Person is going to look this stuff up except Ol' Salty?). Depending on whose dresser drawer this is, either Jess or Luke wear gray and white striped panties. My money is on Jess, striped boxer briefs are too sassy for Luke.

Seen: Striped panties, Box O' Weed. A few moments earlier Luke had spoken to a waiter/undercover cop in the diner (a waiter I have never seen before nor ever again who looked incredibly out of place) asking him to narc on Jess' whereabouts. Luke then proceeds upstairs to rifle through Jess' shit without his consent, as one tends to do on Gilmore Girls. During this rifling, Luke takes a phone call from an unknown person. I don't yet understand the context of this odd phone call. It goes like this: Hey Randy. What's up. Someone's gotta take care of it. It's not gonna take care of itself. I understand. I get it. What else? Huh? Who the hell is Randy? The other time someone said "I have to take care of something" the Stars Hollow PD had to dredge a dead body from the lake. Shady shit.

At one point in his little privacy violation mission Luke opens up an oddly shaped reddish box that almost looks like a heart shaped Valentine's Day chocolate box (the lighting is very dim here). Maybe the kind of box you'd stash your weed in after you finished the candy. (it was empty. Jess must have smoked all the weed already). Next, in anticipation of Creepy Sherry's baby shower, Lane and Rory have a walk-and-talk about the disgustingness of sex and childbirth. Rory calls the "Getting there" part of child birth a "big cosmic joke." So...is the "Getting there" sex? Poor Dean and Jess. The bluest balls in all the land. Rory stringing Dean along for two years without putting out may be the only sympathy I reserve for him. That's rough. Lane: My mom has never told me where babies come from. When my cousin got pregnant she said an angel brushed its wings against her. Rory: I could fill you in on the details. Lane: No thank you. I already learned it on the streets. That was funny. Lane is great.

Welllp. I take that back. Jess and Lane could have been really great friends. Good thing she comes around eventually. In like...the last episode before Jess and Rory break up and he disappears forever she calls them a cute agoraphobic couple. A little too late there my friend. One day you might need a place to crash in NYC with your band and you'll wish you had his number. Let this be a lesson to you fine people. Never get into an unavoidable minor car accident while in Stars Hollow. Never drive in Stars Hollow. Never visit Stars Hollow. Pretend the entire state of Connecticut doesn't exist. You'll be happier, healthier and wiser.

Here we go again. Rory's friends and family trying to fight battles for Rory that she really, really doesn't want fought.

Incoming! My little puffy vested kitten. I'm going down a "what did teenage boys wear in the early 2000s" rabbit hole now. I'll bring you back a souvenir. I graduated high school in 2002. I just have no memory of the fashion at the time. Boys did not give me the time of day. It was for the best, honestly.

Hey, look who it is! Mr. Rygalski/Brody/Cohen, you likely don't have complete control over your own wardrobe for television, but this outfit is a crime. Speak up, man. Don't get me started on Timberlake, either. My search results are skewing Puffy vests over dress shirts instead of puffy vests over tshirts. I want to leave the early 2000's now.

Put that finger down, woman.

:(

Ladies and gentlemen, we have Upside Down Watch. After the lively recent Tumblr debate about UDW being some kind of tribute to military service members wearing their watches upside down, I asked my friend in the army if this was a thing she was aware of and she stated she had never seen any one wear their watch upside down. Admittedly a very small sample size. But it deepens the mystery.

Please watch this scene and listen to how he lisps "Andy Griffith" in this sentence, it's really adorable, and cawr always delights as well.

Cawr cawr cawr!

Lane proceeds to pontificate on the shoddy quality of his Cawr. Okay, Miss Judgy No Cawr or License. After you obtain a car, license and registration through dubious means like Jess did , then you can have an opinion on what he’s driving.

Maybe if you tried to befriend him, he'd be wiling to let you bum a ride with him to band practice. That is a quandry you're currently trying to solve, is it not? Use your noodle. There's a white tshirt peeking out. So he's wearing...*counts* four layers. Vest, beige shirt, black shirt, white shirt. Underactive Thyroid Betty over here.

There is something to be said about Luke (on multiple occasions) readily admitting he pays Jess in ketchup packets to toil in the Coffee Mines more or less against his will. I get that it's just a part time job after school...before school..while he's cutting school..always working...never stopping...never reicieving any tips from Lorelai and Rory... Rory needs a job... Rory and Lorelai need to pay for their food... Anyway these comments shed a light on the shaky economies of small businesses in small towns which is interesting to me. Gilmore Girls is really, at it's core, a show about class. One day he could wake up to find his diner has been turned into a Dunkin Donuts (this is Not-Quite-But-Almost-New England after all, where DD is king).

Hahahahaha!! Jess stole money to buy a car and he committs attempted murder! Hahahahaaha! You're SO FUNNY LORELAI GILMORE. Your daughter stole a boat.

Yeah. And maybe back home, he did had to steal to survive sometimes. How about them apples, Lorelai Gilmore. God, do I loathe her.

Don't say that around Lorelai, I think she'd believe you were being serious.

A couple of the moots and I recently decided that in the recent past, Liz managed to land and then lose a halfway decent boyfriend/ father figure to Jess who had a car and taught Jess to drive and do repairs and some other light adulting. I honestly feel like this is the only thing that makes sense.

HE LOOKS SO GOOD IN THIS SCENE!!! Fuck meeee. Look at that li'l curl...

LOOK AT IT!!!! You know what, I'm calling it. I'm putting my foot down. This is the hottest Milo had ever looked in the entirety of seasons 2 and 3. It's that perfectly gelled hair, the jean jacket, the cool tshirt. Very James Dean. Woof. Let's see, what would I choose for second place? I have to go with the party scene in KegMax, another episode with impeccably jelled hair and a jean jacket (and even while he was apparently sick shooting that episode too). He just progresses in hotness the further season 3 marches on.

These four words "I'm still a minor" are a point of contention for me in the ongoing debate about his birth month. My beliefs: Jess is a Virgo. He was born in August or early September. This would make him just older than Rory by just a smidge. Since well over a year has passed in the show since the episode he arrived in Stars Hollow as a 17 year old (when he arrived, it was early September as Rory had just started school in that episode), he had just celebrated his birthday before arriving and so he has to have already turned 18 by this episode. However, I will consider the theory that Luke was clueless or misinformed about his age at the time he arrived (because it's not like LIz is in any way reliable with information) and he was actually 16 going on 17 when he hopped off the bus last year, and maybe he has an October or November birthday making him slightly younger than Rory. It would make sense that both missed the kindergarten cut off dates in 1989 at their respective schools (which is rock solid canon already for Rory, as she was born in October 84 but graduated in 03 instead of 02), putting them in the same grade.

Salty has put a pathetic amount of thought into this. So, how can I accept this statemen? I attribute it to the same brand of biting sarcasm that gave us "I mugged an old lady" moments ago and also because this scene doesn't make a whole lot of sense to begin with. He's still a minor, but he got his own insurance all by himself under his own name, which is not really a thing, but not his own car registration? Committing insurance fraud perhaps? Sketchy insurance company that didn't ask too many questions? He knows a guy who knows a guy who can print up some fake documents? At that point why not go all the way with the white collar crimes and forge Luke's signature on the registration too? See, Lorelai thinks Jess is a thief and murderer when he's really a white collar criminal like Taylor Doose.

My memory was certain that he produced a cigarrette and not a pen in this scene. I had to edit this post to remove a line about him smoking. I guess I confused it with the Then She Appears/ Cmurrh kissing scene, where he's also wearing a jean jacket with a popped collar. Damn. I can't wait for that scene...

Just some light fraud. If the car belonged to someone in Stars Hollow, whoever's registration he stole probably deserved it anyway. This is how I approach all "Crimes" Jess commits in Stars Hollow. There are only a few people who don't deserve it. Your honor, my client is innocent.

Oh no, the couch of doom. No good conversations ever happens between Rory and Lorelai on the couch, especially after one of them comes home at night and finds the other one on the couch. The Gilmores recieve an invitation to Sherry's baby shower. The moots and I have determined that Doula and Gigi will eventually band together to form the most powerful duo of neglected half sisters the world has ever seen. For the record, today Doula would be 17 and Gigi would be 21. Since Jess eventually comes to adopt and raises Doula she has a somewhat decent chance of coming out a well adjusted adult. At the very least, if she was stuck with TJ and Liz, Jess would still be a positive influence on her life, visit her and look out for her and make sure she didn't get sucked into any cults. The odds are a lot more grim for Gigi with Crusty and Sherry as her forever "parents" and let's face it, very likely her relationship with big sister Rory or any of the other Gilmores is non existent.

And things were so peaceful. Especially since Dean hasn't reared his ugly head in the last two episodes, either.

You flip flop with Crusty so much how can anyone possibly keep track of whether you're on the outs with him or banging him at any given time?

And by saying that out loud you're gonna tip the balance of the universe and he's going to show up. I looked ahead and although this is sadly still a Crusty-Focused episode, he doesn't actually make an appearance. Small blessings. To Lorelai's surprise, Rory admits that she's been in contact with Crusty and Lorelai is okay with it but upset that Rory was hiding it from her. God, he's such a parasite.

Emails. How quaint.

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