#tattoonatural

The first thing Cas notices while putting Dean's body back together is the ink.

Intricate lines etched in skin, some delicate and some violent, all joined together to form black patterns. A skull on the upper arm, that goes together with a dagger just below, a butterfly on the neck that looks fragile just like the skin there, a tiger and a wolf and a fox, a snake crawling up the wrist. Cas has never thought "beautiful" relating to humans before that moment, and it wouldn't be the last time he would think that relating to Dean Winchester.

On the course of those first encounters, Cas always gets himself trying to get glimpses of inked skin, Dean using so many layers and all. Not being able to see it again makes his own skin prickle with something that he can't name.

Getting more accustomed to humans, he learns that those are tattoos, a process where a professional artist inserts ink into the second layer of skin creating images or drawings, he learns that some people give meanings to their tattoos and some just do it because they think it's pretty. Cas keeps wondering which one is Dean's case.

The first thing Cas notices when Anna kisses Dean in that barn is her ring finger, there's a tiny delicate cross tattoo in it, he even gets the irony. The next thing is the way her hand cradles Dean's cheek and that makes his stomach turn in a bitter way that he doesn't quite understand.

Even in the middle of an apocalypse in the making, Cas' curiosity continues to grow, but he seems unable to ask Dean about it. He finds his opportunity in the name of Sam Winchester.

They're sitting on a motel room table and Sam's sleeve lifts when he goes to grab his beer.

"Is that a camomile flower?" he asks.

"Uh... yes" Sam answers frowning.

"I apologize, didn't mean to-".

"No, it's okay, just... uh... it reminds me of Jess, that's all", and Cas waits while Sam strokes his inner wrist where the tattoo is.

"It was our first date and we got a little drunk. There was a tattoo parlour around the corner and she kinda dared me to do it. She even got the idea and the place ready, asked the artist to put some color on it and I just did it... because even then i already knew I'd do anything she asked me too".

They don't talk about it anymore, but Cas can't shake it out of his mind for days. He wonders if someone dared Dean to do it too, if he touches the Orion constellation in his right arm or the compass wind rose in his shoulder and thinks about that person like Sam does.

The night after they try to kill the devil and fail, when everything goes to shit and they lose Ellen and Jo, Dean grabs his arm and takes him downtown, where there's a place in a dark street with a green neon sign and a broken window. Inside, there's a pool table and antifascist posters on the walls. Cas leans on a wall while Dean sits with Joe - a tattoo artist, Cas learns as Dean introduces them - and ruffles through a notebook. He points at something on the page and goes lay down on the tattoo stretcher, his left arm outstretched.

Eventually, Cas approaches them, he sees needle breaching skin and leaving ink behind, he sees the way Joe gets serious when doing a tough line on the drawing, the way Dean looks at the ceiling and seems to be at peace. Later, Cas remembers thinking Dean never looked so beautiful, enduring the only pain that is not forced on them, the pain he allows himself.

Dean doesn't explain anything, doesn't show the new anchor sitting on the inside of his arm to anyone but him. Cas doesn't know if he cares so he doesn't tell him, but anchor tattoos mean stability, peace, strength, determination and passion, some things that dean wants and some things that dean already has but ain't aware of. Cas thinks he understands the feeling, the want of something to focus amidst of chaos, the controlled pain and the mark that stays.

Cas thought that once he had understood, he would stop thinking about them, but he doesn't. He starts wondering what he would do if he would to mark his flesh like this. He doesn't know where this is coming from, but it's always present.

There's always this want when it comes to Dean. He wants to know more, he wants to watch and memorize every feature, he wants to listen, but most of all he wants to touch. That urge is so intense that sometimes he lets his hands linger when he's healing Dean's wounds. He keeps wanting even when the world keeps ending around them.

When they get back from purgatory, Cas does something about it.

Dean finds him in front of a mirror later, with his shirt up and a tattoo sitting on his ribs. They just stand there for a moment, Dean's eyes keep going from Cas' face and his torso and he seems stunned. Cas knows him well enough now to realize what he's thinking, "how contagious can I be to fuck up something holy ", but he doesn't say it, he reaches for it.

When his fingers ghost Cas' skin, he asks "Can I?" and Cas just nods because he doesn't know how to say that there's nothing that he wants more.

Dean touches the letters very softly, alis grave nil , "Wha- what does it mean?".

"Nothing is heavy to those who have wings".

Dean keeps his touch very gentle, he traces the yellow and white lines that resemble a halo and the letters again and Cas just stands there breathing.

"Why? I mean, Cas, it's beautiful, but... I didn't know that you... ", he's standing upright now and looking Cas in the eyes and Cas wants.

"Because I wanted Dean" and aren't they all in this mess because Cas dared to want things he couldn't have, because Cas dared to feel and to fall?

Dean reaches again, his palm against cas cheek. They breathe together for a moment and then Dean kisses him.

Cas always dreamed about telling Dean that it's okay to want things, that he deserves good things and that he isn't broken, and that even if he was, Cas would choose him over and over again, but he never knows enough words for that.

So he shows him. With the softness of his lips and the wetness of his tongue and the grip of his hands. In the way he pulls Dean's hair just enough to hear a moan from him, in the way he pushes him to bed, and sits in his lap, the way his fingers drag on Dean's side when he lifts his shirt. In the soft way he opens him up and fills him in and in the hard way he thrusts when Dean asks for it.

Dean started tattooing himself when he was fourteen because he needed the needle pain to ground him, something he could control, something that was only his. To prove the universe that his body belonged to him and not to his father or the violent life he was going to live. Cas started tattooing himself after he raised a soul from perdition and fell so irrevocably in love that he needed to manifest in his body where he really belonged. Not in Heaven or Purgatory or the Empty, but at Dean Winchester's side.