carmen alvarez felt like a fraud as she stood to face the crowd gathered in front of her. a sea of eyes and faces looking up at her expectantly, all warped with grief.
she ought to have known that she would be expected to speak at the funeral. she was one of those closest to richard, she had lived with the man for over half of her life. in many ways she was considered his natural successor. but she didn't know how she was supposed to get up there and try put into words how much richard had done for her, and how she was forever indebted to his generosity.
the night before she had tried, in vain, to think of what to say. she had scribbled line after line but all her scraps of paper had ended up on her bedroom floor. she wanted to say thank you, but it felt wrong when she had chosen to turn away from the life he had given her. she wanted to say goodbye but she didn't feel ready yet.
"thank you all for coming today," she said, echoing the sentiments of her fellow wards. she was amazed at how steady her voice sounded, how clear and strong it carried across the rows of mourners. her years working for the woodrow foundation had taught her how to address a room, a crutch she could lean on in this moment. maybe it would be enough to see her through these agonising minutes.
one minute, maybe two, that was all she needed to get through.
"i don't think i need to tell you all what a wonderful man richard woodrow was. the fact that so many of you are here is a testament to that fact. i'm sure we'd all describe him the same way, we'd talk about his kindness, his empathy, his intelligence..." she paused, giving herself a moment to breathe, a moment to steel herself to see this through to the end.
"the story of how i came to know richard is not unique, it's much like the stories you've already heard, and will hear, from my fellow wards. but that doesn't make what richard gave me any less important, any less special. he gave me opportunities and chances i probably would never have got otherwise. he gave me the gift of a future, and for that i'm eternally grateful."
she knew this was the moment she ought to speak about the foundation, about her intentions to continue richard's legacy. she recognised a number of people in the crowd in front of her from her work and knew they were all assuming that with richard now gone, she would be stepping in to take over. but she could not lie. she couldn't tell the truth either.
her voice caught in her throat, her composure wavering at the last moment. curling her hands into fists behind her back, she let her nails press into the soft skin of her palms, the sharp pain diverting her attention from the impending wave of anguish.
"if i had the chance to speak to him one last time, i'd want to tell him that i won't waste that gift. i know what a privilege it is and i intend to honour that. even if how i use it is different to what he imagined."
she exhaled slowly, feeling her mask of calm slip as she returned to her seat. she needed to find a drink.
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playlist one: UHHHHHHH ?? (alternatively titled: disassociation nation):
↳ a playlist grimm made to listen to when he’s disassociating. or, songs that seem to scratch an itch in the back of his brain. comprised mostly of songs outside of his usual comfort zone.
playlist two: scum shit (alternatively titled: songs tht make me want to write):
↳ a playlist grimm takes inspiration from when writing songs or making music. these songs are much more his comfort zone, and are in a genre v familiar to him. he likes to listen to this playlist when hes having particularly stubborn writers block
heaven in hiding; a rowan endsley playlist (( task 007 ))
beggin for thread - BANKS “I got edges that scratch and sometimes I don't got a filter” // the other girl (with halsey) - kelsea ballerini “and I wonder in his world, is it me? Is it you? who's the other girl?” // killing boys - halsey “I'm breaking the glass, then I stop 'cause I don't wanna uma thurman your ass” // ghosts - ross ellis “i don’t believe in lies... but I do believe in ghosts” // as it was - hozier “just as it was, baby, before the otherness came and I knew its name” // she way out - the 1975 “I've got a feeling that my friends are gonna kick in your brain” // biting down - lorde “it feels better biting down” // sick of losing soulmates - dodie “i'm sick of losing soulmates, won't be alone again” // scream it out - ellie goulding “scream it out, i won’t let you down” // not made for this world - tove lo “i’m the queen of the world in the trees up high”
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