#taleofthethreebrothers

The year was 2015 when three brothers traveled along a lonely, winding road at twilight. In time, the brothers reached a river too deep to wade through and too dangerous to swim across. However, these brothers were learned in the arts of modern technology and so they simply scrolled through their phones until they found a service where they could rent a boat at that time of night. They were halfway across the river in their newly rented boat when they found their path blocked by a hooded figure floating above the water.    

And Death spoke to them.

He was angry that he had been cheated out of the three new victims, for travelers usually drowned in the river. But Death was cunning. He pretended to congratulate the three brothers for their intelligence and tech savvy, and said that each had earned a prize for having been clever enough to evade him.

So the oldest brother, who was a combative man, asked for a gun more powerful than any in existence: a gun that would always win duels for its owner, a gun worthy of a man who had conquered Death! So Death crossed to an elder tree on the banks of the river, fashioned a gun from a branch that hung there, and gave it to the oldest brother.

Then the second brother, who was a fearful man, asked for the power to forget that Death will eventually come for him. So Death picked up a stone from the riverbank and gave it to the second brother, and told him that if he squeezed the stone in his fist then the power he requested would be granted to him.

And then Death asked the third and youngest brother what he would like. The youngest brother was the humblest and also the wisest of the brothers, and he did not trust Death. So he asked for something that would enable him to go forth from that place without being followed by Death. And Death, most unwillingly, handed over his own Cloak of Indistinguishable Color.

Then Death stood aside and allowed the three brothers to continue on their way, and they did so talking with wonder of the adventure they had had and admiring Death’s gifts. In due course the brothers separated, each for his own destination.

The first brother traveled on for a week more, proudly brandishing his gun wherever he went. However, with each day bringing a new mass shooting, the brother was confronted with liberal anti-gun advocates in each town he visited. He was greeted with shame and admonishment rather than the praise he was expecting for being the owner of such an impressive weapon. Dejected, the brother was forced to cling to arguments about the second amendment and was not able to truly enjoy his right to bear this incredible gun.

One night, the brother resigned to leave the gun at home and decided to go out to a theater to take his mind off of the constant barrage of shaming. The movie theater was incredibly packed that evening, which put the brother at a tremendous level of unease that would have been abated had he brought the gun with him. Still, the brother greatly enjoyed the movie and it did help him forget the majority of his troubles.

However, when the movie ended and the brother joined the queue to leave the theater, he felt the familiar pangs of anxiety and vulnerability return. The brother was so eager to get home to his gun that he rushed across the street without looking and was promptly hit by a bus.

And so Death took the first brother for his own.

Meanwhile, the second brother journeyed to his home where he lived alone. Here, he took out the stone that had the ability to make him forget about the preeminence of Death and he squeezed the stone in his fist as he was instructed. To his amazement and his delight, he immediately forgot about death as he was now offended by everything.

Oh, what a beautiful world he had discovered! Prior to this moment, the second brother couldn’t have cared less about so many things and thus he was forced to confront his mortality on a daily basis, but not any more! Now, he found annoyance everywhere he looked! It was there in the color of coffee cups, there in Caitlyn Jenner being recognized as a hero, there in Donald Trump not being treated as a viable presidential candidate, it was even present in the degree to which he could shamelessly voice his opinion. Naturally, he took to the internet to share his griefs and quarrels with the world.

Unfortunately, the second brother found, not every one felt the same way he did. The second brother became increasingly offended by the offense of others as he spiraled down a rabbit hole of internet arguments. Days passed without the brother removing himself from his computer chair, then a week, without stepping away from his keyboard to get sustenance for his body.

Until, finally, the brother passed away in the cold blue glow of his computer monitor on a message board for Bounty Paper Towels where the brother was sharing his belief that President Obama was a secret Muslim hell-bent on ushering in Syrian refugees to corrupt America’s core belief system.

And so Death took the second brother for his own.

But though Death searched for the third brother for many years, he was never able to find him. What color was that cloak? Death wondered. Was it blue and black or white and gold? In some lighting it looked one way while in other places it looked another. It was impossible for Death to find the younger brother when he didn’t know what color of cloak he should be looking for.

It was only when he had attained a great age that the youngest brother finally took off the Cloak of Indistinguishable Color and gave it to his son. And then he greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, and, equals, they departed this life.

 Of course, I borrowed directly and liberally from J.K. Rowling’s “The Tale of Three Brothers” for this intro. Anyways, the following is a list of things that helped distract me from my own mortality this year. Enjoy!

Top Ten Albums of 2015- (Favorite Songs in parenthesis)

Foxing- Dealer (”Night Channels”)

The World is a Beautiful Place and I’m No Longer Afraid to Die- Harmlessness (”You Can’t Live There Forever”)

Kendrick Lamar- To Pimp a Butterfly (”The Blacker the Berry”/ “Hood Politics”)

Death Cab for Cutie- Kintsugi (”Little Wanderer”)

Mewithoutyou- Pale Horse (”Dorothy”)

The Front Bottoms- Back On Top (”Help”)

Sufjan Stevens- Carrie & Lowell (”All of Me Wants All of You”)

EL VY- Return to the Moon (”Paul is Alive”)

Hop Along- Painted Shut (”Horshoe Crabs”)

Modest Mouse- Strangers to Ourselves (”The Ground Walks, with Time in a Box”)

Best Vote for Bernie Sanders album- Desaparecidos- Payola

Best Album for Making Fun of Hipsters while also Reinforcing Hipster Ideas of Cool- Father John Misty- I Love You, Honeybear

Best “Oh, There’s a Free Wilco Album Out? Cool. I’ll Download That.” Album- Wilco- Star Wars

Best “I Guess I Like Taylor Swift Songs Now?” Album- Ryan Adams- 1989

Best Artist of the Year- The Bedroom. I listened to Wes’s two EP’s (Sister Wives & Armadillo Heart, available for free download on his bandcamp) more than anything else this year, and I can honestly say that these are my favorite collections of songs this year.

Best EP (That isn’t by The Bedroom)- Modern Baseball EP

Best Local Band EP- Native Tongue- Driftwood Head

Best Live Band- Foxing, as seen on 7/11/15 at Off Broadway w/ mewithoutyou, and on 12/12/15 at The Firebird for their homecoming show.

Best Concert- Brand New w/Manchester Orchestra and Kevin Devine at Ryman Auditorium, Nashville, TN- October 11th, 2015

Best New Band Not Named Hop Along- Beach Slang

Best Musical Moment of 2015- the 2 minute mark of the song “Laundered” off of the album Dealer by Foxing. Also, see Harmlessness by The World is a Beautiful Place and blah blah blah

Best Collection of Demo’s from 2006- Brand New- “Fight Off Your Demo’s”

Best Rolling Stone Cover Story- Kendrick Lamar, May 11th 2015

Top 3 Singles of 2015

“Mene” - Brand New

“Gieben”- Kevin Devine

“All Day”- Kanye West

Top Ten Movies of 2015

Hateful Eight

End of Tour

Room

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Sicario

Star Wars: Force Awakens

Jurassic World

Creed

Misstress America

Ex-Machina

Note: I have not seen the following movies yet, all of which could potentially make my top ten list, so I will be updating the list as I see these movies: The Revenant, Anamolisa, Spotlight, The Big Short, Carol, Youth, The Martian, and I’m sure there are some others I’m forgetting.

Best Comedy: 7 Days in Hell

Next Best Comedy: The Night Before

Most Surprising Comedic Performance- Lebron James in Trainwreck

Best Actor- Oscar Isaac, as seen in Ex Machina The Force Awakens, and the HBO miniseries Show Me a Hero.

Best Actress: Bree Larson in Room

Best Supporting Actor/Actress- BB-8, The Force Awakens

Best Family Movie: Inside Out

Best Date Movie: Paper Towns

Best Movie to Make Me Forget How Many Scarves Johnny Depp Owns- Black Mass

Best Movie Theater Experience: Seeing Nasty Baby at the IFC Theater in New York.

Next Best Theater Experience: Seeing the Hateful Eight road show in 70mm in St. Louis.

Next Next Best Theater Experience- Seeing a midnight showing of The Shining at the Tivoli in St. Louis.

Best Movie to Remind Me of My Age- While We’re Young.

Movie That Made Me Remind Everyone That I Took a Psychology Class In College Once: The Stanford Prison Experiment.

Movie That Made Me Feel Creeped Out by Tom Cruise Even More Than I Previously Was- Going Clear, a documentary about Scientology

Movie That Did Little to Make Me Not Creeped Out by Tom Cruise: Mission Impossible 5, also known as, “Oh yeah, I guess I’ll see that.”

Movie That Kind of Bummed Me Out for Will Smith’s Acting Career: Focus

Movie That Made Me Feel Dead Inside for Two Hours: Diary of a Teenage Girl 

Best TV Shows of 2015

Mad Men

The Leftovers

Nathan For You

Fargo

Mr. Robot

Alpha Male of the Year- Ray Velcoro, True Detective

Beta Male of the Year- Nathan Fielder

Best SNL Host- Louis CK, May 16th, 2015

Best SNL Musical Guest- Adele, November 21st

Best SNL Cold Open- Birdman Giuliani with Taran Killam, Michael Keaton

SNL MVP- Kate McKinnon

SNL LVP- Jon Rudnitsky

SNL Most Improved- Colin Jost/Michael Che

SNL Up & Comers- Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennet

 Best Books I Read in 2015

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius- Dave Eggers

The Sculptor-Scott McCloud

Between the World and Me- Ta-Nehisi Coates

Room- Emma Donaghue

Purity-Jonathan Franzen

Top 3 Young Adult Reads

Simons vs. the Homo Sapien Agenda- Becky Alberttalli

Mosquitoland- David Arnold

More Happy Than Not- Adam Silvera

 2015 was a weird year. I got to do/see a lot of cool things. I went to Disney World with my family. I swam in the ocean with my sons. I got to make even more lasting memories with Stacy. I also went on a roadtrip to NYC with some of my best friends, saw a live taping of Late Night with Stephen Colbert, went to the Comedy Cellar twice, witnessed Halloween in Greenwich Village, hung out in Brooklyn. I got to go on an awesome fishing trip with three of my oldest and closest friends. Three musical projects I played on released new music in 2015 (Ravenhill, Alliswell, Harmless Sparks), which is always cool, and I got to spend a lot of time writing.

The year also came with its hardships, of course. I lost a very close friend unexpectedly and it took a long time to try to make peace with that. With that came the continued attempt at truly understanding the ever-present, inescapable truth that not a single moment of our time here is guaranteed and we must do what we can to make that time count.

As I look forward to 2016, there are many movies and albums that I’m anticipating, but most importantly, I’m excited to create more memories with my family and friends. I’m excited to release new music with a new band. I’m looking forward to writing more as a long time project continues to take shape.

Thanks for being one of those people that I have shared some of these moments with. Thanks for encouraging me or for encouraging others, or just thanks for taking a few minutes to read this.

Cheers to 2016,